Housesitter

(Davis enters his house, which he believed empty, to find it fully furnished with a blonde in the kitchen.)
Davis: Hello?
Gwen:What are you doing here?
Davis: What am I doing? What are you doing here?
Gwen: (after long pause) Well, well, I got kicked out of my apartment, I had no place to go. I would've called you right away, except, you know, you just never told me where you lived or where your office was, even.
Davis: You're the waitress! Gwen.
Gwen: Well, excuse me, but I thought we'd been introduced.
Davis: No, I recognize you, it's just, you know, you were wearing that Hungarian garb.
Gwen: Yeah, well, I had to get out of that place, you know, because Karol and I had a real difference of opinion of exactly when he could come to my apartment unannounced, and exactly where he could put his hands while he was there.
Davis: Didn't you have any friends you could go to?
Gwen: I told you I'd only been in Boston for three weeks, I didn't know anybody. All I had was that cute little drawing you made of this house, you know--I knew it was in Dobbs Mill, and I knew that, you know, it was just sitting here, not doing anything.
Davis: Where did all this furniture come from?
Gwen: Bigelow's.
Davis: No, I mean how did it get here? Some sort of furniture stampede?
Gwen: I'll pay you back.
Davis: Pay me back?
(They are interrupted by a dog)
Gwen: (to the dog) Oh, Booboo, no honey. The men are coming tomorrow to put in the dog door.
Davis: What is happening?
Gwen: Well, if you just listened...
Davis: I'm listening, I'm listening!!
Gwen: All right. I was hungry, okay? So I went to Keller's market to just pick up some peanut butter and stuff, and that's where I overheard Hazel telling Travis...
Davis: (interupted) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa… Hazel?
Gwen: Hazel Byron.
Davis: You know Mrs. Byron?!
Gwen: Yeah, your piano teacher, great gal. I don't know if you heard about her son, Stewie, but oh, what he put that poor woman through!
Davis: Wait a minute. Go back to the part at the grocery store where Mrs. Byron says to Mr. Keller...
Gwen: Okay. So, she told him to just put it on her account.
Davis: You charged the groceries to me!?
Gwen: Well, I was hungry. Now c'mon, you gotta understand that.
Davis: What'd you tell him, how'd you get him to do it?
Gwen: Well, I guess he was under the impression that I was --
Davis: (interupting) Insane!?
Gwen: Mm, no, I just told him to go ahead and put it on our account.
Davis: Our account?
Gwen: Well, it seemed harmless.
Davis: You told him you were my wife?!
Gwen: Well, what was I supposed to do? You tell me.
Davis: And he believed you?!
Gwen: And why wouldn't he?
Davis: (splutters) Well...
Gwen: What's the matter, I'm not good enough to be your wife?
Davis: (as if he hadn't meant it that way) Nnnoo….
Gwen: Well, Travis thinks I'm good enough. And Harvey and Lorraine think I'm good enough.
Davis: This coffee table.
Gwen: What about it?
Davis: It's my mother's.
Gwen: I know, it's not my taste either, but all of this represents a compromise. You know your mother!
Davis: My parents think we're married??!
(He puts his feet on the table)
Gwen: Hey, it's not so bad! C'mon, everything's gonna be fine! Would you mind taking your feet off the furniture?