Fight Club

Narrator: You are not your job. You are not how much you have in the bank. You are not the contents of your wallet. You are not your khakis. You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. What happens first is you can't sleep. What happens then is there's a gun in your mouth. And what happens next is you meet Tyler Durden. Let me tell you about Tyler. He had a plan. In Tyler we trusted. Tyler says the things you own, end up owning you. It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything. Fight Club represents that kind of freedom. First rule of Fight Club: You do not talk about Fight Club. Second rule of Fight Club: You do not talk about Fight Club. Tyler says self-improvement is masturbation. Tyler says self-destruction might be the answer. Third rule of Fight Club: You join Fight Club, you gotta fight.

Love Always (A play by Renee Taylor & Joseph Bologna)

(Just before her daughter's Sweet 16 party, this woman, described as "sad and empty," takes a moment to offer the excited young girl some depressing advice.)
Mother: I love it. And I love your enthusiasm. Stay that way. Always remember, it's no sin to be a woman. You were born that way; it wasn't your fault. This is embarrassing for me to talk about...I don't know whether you've noticed or not, Gina, but your body's starting to change. When I was your age, I didn't notice because my mother wasn't as modern as I am; and I thought it was dirty to look at my body. Then when I was 25, I was married and had two children already, so I was too busy to look. Now I'm 45 and it's too depressing to look. Why should I make myself sick? Now that you're sixteen, you have a big decision to make -- what kind of woman are you going to be? There are only two kinds -- good and not-so-good. Let me tell you the difference. A not-so-good woman is only interested in pleasure and hot times and living only for the moment, and a good woman isn't interested in anything. It's live and let live. You don't bother me -- I don't bother you. I left your father alone during the day and he left me alone at night. That was the joy of womanhood for me. My life had meaning. I was a good homemaker, a vivacious hostess, and a shrewd shopper. And in return, your father tried to be decent. Of course, things aren't always just peaches and cream, but he never humiliated me in a large crowd. He never made me cry on my birthday. And he never ran off with a fan dancer behind my back. But when I had you, I was happy for one reason. I knew you would be part of a new generation of women, and these are my hopes for you. You can have what I didn't have. All the things girls of my generation could never hope to have -- drive, ambition, talent, and self-respect. Today you can hold out for a man with all those qualities. Today you don't have to rush into marriage, because a woman can play football; she could lead a safari; she could climb a mountain. They're letting women in all the unions. So take advantage of it. You could be a bullfighter, a boxing referee, a stunt woman. Live dangerously! Try different things. Then after college, you'll become a teacher and get married. That's why you have children, so they'll have a little better life than you have. Oh, how I wish I had this talk with my mother when I was your age, today I might have a real identity. I might have been Mrs. Somebody. (Mother opens the door, revealing a foggily lit limbo area; crying) Now, go downstairs to your party and grit your teeth and be a woman. It's all you have. Try to make it enough.

'Dentity Crisis (A play by Christopher Durang)

( Jane tells her psychiatrist a story from her childhood.)
Jane: When I was eight years old, someone brought me to this... theatre. Full of lots of other children. We were supposed to be watching a production of "Peter Pan." And I remember that something seemed terribly wrong with the whole production. Odd things kept happening. For instance, when the children would fly, the ropes they were on would just keep breaking ... and the actors would come thumping to the ground and they had to be carried off by stagehands. And there seemed to be an unlimited supply of understudies, to take their places, and then they'd just fall to the ground. And then the crocodile that chases Captain Hook, seemed to be a real crocodile, it wasn't an actor. And at one point it fell off the stage and crushed a couple of kids in the front row. And then some of the understudies came and took their places in the audience. And from scene to scene, Wendy just seemed to get fatter and fatter until finally by the end of act one she was completely immobile and they had to move her off stage with a cart.You remember how in the second act Tinkerbell drinks some poison that peter is about to drink in order to save him? And then Peter turns to the audience and he says that "Tinkerbell is going to die because not enough people believe in fairies. But if all of you clap your hands real hard to show that you do believe in fairies, maybe she won't die." So, we all started to clap. I clapped so long and so hard that my palms hurt and they even started to bleed I clapped so hard. Then suddenly the actress playing peter pan turned to the audience and she said, "That wasn't enough. You did not clap hard enough. Tinkerbell is dead." And then we all started to cry. The actress stomped off stage and refused to continue with the production. They finally had to lower the curtain. The ushers had to come help us out of the aisles and into the street. I don't think that any of us were ever the same after that experience. It certainly turned me against theatre. And even more damagingly, I think it's warped my total sense of life. I mean nothing seems worth trying if Tinkerbell is just going to die.

Catholic School Girls (A play by Casey Kurtti)

( Elizabeth is a second grade student at coed catholic school. She has been elected to give a tour of the church to a group of kindergarten students.)
Elizabeth: Okay everybody. This ... is church. This is God's house. If you ever want to talk to Him, you just come in here and sit in one of those long chairs and start talking. But not too loud. Or else you might wake up one of those statues. And they are praying to Jesus. (Bows head) Oh! I forgot to tell you. Whenever you hear the name Jesus (Bows head) you have to bow your head or else you have a sin on your soul. Now, over there is the statue of Jesus' (bows head) mother. Her name is the Blessed Virgin Mary. She is not as important as Jesus (bows head) so you don't have to bow your head when you hear her name. Over there is the statue of Jesus' (bows head) father. Hey, (points at small child) you didn't bow your head. Don't do that cause you'll get a black spot on your soul and you go straight to hell. Now, in hell it is really hot and you sweat a lot. And these little devils come and they bite you all over the place. But if you're really good, you get to go to heaven. Now, in heaven they have this big refrigerator full of lots of stuff to eat! Like ice cream, and chocolate and donuts and it never runs out. But the best part about heaven would have to be that you can talk to anybody you want to. Let's just say that I wanted to talk to... (thinks real hard) Cleopatra! Well, then I would go up to one of the Saints and I would get a permission slip and I would fill it out. Then I would hand it to Jesus (bows head). Hey! (Looks at small child again) You didn't bow your head! Okay, I warned you. And then, I would fly across heaven, cause when you get in they gives you wings, and I would have a nice chat with Cleopatra. I just hope everyone I like get accepted into heaven, or else I won't ever see them again. One more thing, if you ever ask Jesus (bows head) a question and he answers you, make sure you write down the answer really quick, so you don't mess it up. Because, if you mess up an answer from Him, it could get you in real trouble.

Audition (A play by Jane Martin)

(An actress in her late twenties runs up on the stage. She is nervous. She shields her eyes against the light. She is dressed in a slightly bizarre and trendy style. She carries in her arms a cat on a leash.)
Actress: Hi. Hey Hi. Wow. All right. Nice place. Nice,uh, nice theatre. Good vibes. Okay....for my.....can you hear me? Can you? No? Yes? You are out there, right? (She puts the cat on the floor, her foot on the leash) O.K., so we're all here. Let's see..Audition! RAH! Get that part! O.K. My name is.....shit! I forgot my name. Right. This would be construed as craziness. My name is......I did. I forgot my name. My stage name. See, I decided to use my new stage name for this audition for, uh....luck. It was.....it was very....look, what d'you care, right? My human world name is Mary Titfer. Titfer. You got it? Goodo! O.K. Can you hear me? All the way back? Loud and clear Captain Marvel! A- O.K.!......Now, one more introduction and we're under way. The, uh, small person on my leash is my cat 'Tat'. Get it? (points to herself). Titfer (points to cat.) 'Tat'. Right. You got it. Hey, we're waking up here! We're demonstrating consciousness. Okay. O.K. Now, you.... the imperial you....have a part. I, Titfer need a part. We are thus in tune. Synchronicity. Soooooooo, it's audition city! Now, 'I've got two parts for you today, and here's the surprise: I've got one classical piece and I've got one contemporary piece. Good. For my classical piece I will take off all my clothes. Now, why is this classical? Surly you jest. The body. The body is classical. It goes all the way back and all the way front. Har,har.Okay. O.K. Now, in the great tradition of auditions you may stop me at anytime. You can stop me one second after I start. But...BUT....and here's the stinger....(she takes a hammer out of her purse, and a nail) Bear with me okay? A simple task and I'll be back with you. (she nails the cat's leash to the floor.) There. Nice kitty. O.K. Stop me at anytime. Right. Just yell 'Thank you Miss Titfer'. Firm but courteous and zaparoonie. I stop. I nip the strip. But when I stop my classical piece, I shift imminently into my contemporary piece which is......full attention now......beating the kitty's head in with a hammer! Yipes! Holy Mackerel! Is this broad kidding? well, I wouldn't want to spoil it for you but I don't think she's kidding. So, option A....We will let this poor, desperate, deluded girl debase herself.....and I would, will, be debased. Mortified. I mean....no clothes here? In front of strangers? Or option b....We can yell 'Thank you Miss Titfer' and watch her clonk the kitty.....and remember, Miss Titfer is fast. It will happen in a flash. Kittyplasm....and haven't we,no, you actually killed the little puss? Or option C, the second to last option. We could give Mary Titfer the crummy, undemanding, twelve line, two scene part, which, let me assure you, any mildly competent average workday actress could do while standing on her head shouting 'You can take this job and shove it'........backwards. O.K. Last option. We could give her the part now and then when she splits, her and he furry hostage, we could take it away from her on the basis that she needs....shhhh....psychiatric attention. But, if you did that. If you did that, then Mary Titfer would find and Jacobean revenge. Kill the feline and, perhaps- disturbing thought- herself in a particularly garish and oriental manner RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. Now, she might not have the nerve but on the other hand we don't know. We just don't know.

Fame (A Play by Christopher Gore)

(Hilary van Doren is a talented rising star of a ballerina whose dreams are sidetracked by an unplanned pregnancy. Here, she pleads her case to the nurse in the lobby of an abortion clinic.)
Hilary: You see, I was offered this place in the San Francisco Ballet. I haven't told anyone yet, but I'm gonna take it. I don't care what they think. I'm a good dancer. Better than good. Maybe even the best in the school. And that's not conceit, it's just simple honesty. If I stay in New York, everyone will think I bought my way into ABT. And I'm not starving myself for Balanchine's City Ballet. Not that I mind doing the corps de ballet bullshit. I'd sooner do it out of town. I'll pay my dues on the west coast, come back to New York a star. You see, I've always had this crazy dream of dancing all the classical roles before I'm twenty-one. I want Giselles and Coppélias coming out of my feet. And Sleeping Beauties, and the Swan. I want bravos in Stuttgart and Leningrad and Paris. Maybe even a ballet created especially for me. You see? There's no room for a baby

Butterflies are Free (Play by Leonard Gershe)

Jill: I can't talk about him. No, I will talk about him. Every once in a while it's good to do something you don't want to do, it cleanses the insides. He was terribly sweet, and groovy looking, but kind of adolescent, ya know what I mean? Girls mature faster than boys, boys are neater, but girls mature faster. When we met, it was like fireworks! It was a marvelous kind of passion that made every day seem like the 4th of July! Anyways.. the next thing I know, there we are, standing in front of the Justice of the Peace, getting married!? Its only been like two or three months and we're getting married?! I'm not even out of high school! I've got two big exams tomorrow and they were on my mind too.. and then I hear the words, "Do you Jack, take Jill, to be your lawful wedded wife?" UGH!!! Can you imagine going through life as "Jack and Jill" ?! Then I hear, "Until death do us part." And all of the sudden, its not even a wedding anymore, more like a funeral service! And there I am being buried alive!... Under Jack Benson! I wanted to scream, go running out into the night! But I couldn't.. It was 10 o'clock in the morning and well, you can't go running out into 10 o'clock in the morning. So instead, I passed out. If only I'd fainted, before I said "I do."

Chris Farley on Saturday Night Live

(The character makes 'quote marks' in the air at every "___")
Bennet: That's right, Bennet Brauer here with another commentary. didn't think the suits would have me back perhaps. Thought they'd have my derriere replaced by one of those cookie cutter store mannequins. Well maybe I'm not "the norm". I'm not "camera friendly." I don't "wear clothes that fit me." I'm not a "heartbreaker." I haven't "had sex with a woman." I don't know "how that works." I guess I don't "fall in line." I'm not "hygienic." I don't "wipe properly." I don't "own a toothbrush" or "let my scabs heal." I can't "reach all the parts of my body." When I sleep I "sweat profusely." But I guess the "powers that be" will keep signing my paycheck at least until John and Jane Q. Viewer start to go for the remote so they can go back to watching commentators who don't "frighten children" and don't "eat their own dandruff" and don't "pop their whiteheads with a compass they used in high school." Thank you Kevin.

Boy Meets World (TV Show)

(His guardian John is in a coma)
Shawn Hunter: John, how could you be in here? How could you screw up on your bike? I have never seen you screw up on anything. I'm the screw-up, remember? C'mon you remember...Don't do this to me, John. I don't do alone real good... I know you're in there but it's like you're not really here. You're not talking but I know you're here. So I'm just gonna talk, you can listen. (pause) John, even when I was at the Centre, it was all the things you taught me that made me wonder if it was the right place for me or not. But you didn't teach me enough. You, and Cory, and my parents, and the Matthews and the handful of people who really care about me, so don't blow me off, John! (looks up) Don't blow me off, God! I never asked you for anything before and I never wanted to come to you like this, but don't take Turner away from me; he's not yelling at me yet. God, you're not talking but I know you're here, so I'm gonna talk, and you can listen.[pause]God, I don't wanna be empty inside anymore.