Legally Blonde

Elle: First of all I would like to point out that there is no proof in this case but there is a complete lack of 'means rae' which by definition tells us that there can be no crime without vicious will.
Judge: I am aware of the meaning of 'means rae." What I am unaware of is why you're giving me a vocabulary lesson instead of questioning your witness.
Elle: Um, yes, your Honor. Um, Ms. Windum, when you arrived back at the house, was your father there?
Chutney: Not that I saw, but like I said, I went straight upstairs to take a shower.
Elle: And when you came downstairs what happened?
Chutney: I saw Brooke standing over his body drenched in his blood.
Elle: Um. But Mrs. Windum didn't have a gun?
Chutney: No, she'd stashed it by then.
Emmett (Luke Wilson): Move to strike that from the record. It's speculation.
Judge: So striken.
Elle: Um, Ms. Windum, did you hear a shot fired?
Chutney: No, I was in the shower.
Elle: Okay, sooo...sometime in the twenty minutes that you were in the shower, your father was shot.
Chutney: I guess.
Elle: Your father was shot while you were in the shower, but you didn't hear the shot because, um...because you were in the shower?
Chutney: Yes, I was washing my hair.
Professor Callahan: Where is she going with this?
Emmett: Have a little faith George.
Elle: Um, Ms. Windum, what had you done earlier that day?
Chutney: I got up. Got a latte. Went to the gym. Got a perm and came home.
Elle: Where you got in the shower?
Judge: I believe the witness has made it clear that she was in the shower.
(Courtroom audience laughs)
Elle: Yes, your Honor.
(A sudden brainstorm comes over Elle)
Elle: Ms. Windum, had you ever gotten a perm before?
Chutney: Yes.
Elle: How many would you say?
Chutney: Two a year since I was 12. You do the math.
Elle: You know, a girl in my sorority, Tracy Marcinco got a perm once. We all tried to talk her out of it. Curls weren't a good look for her. She didn't have your bone structure, but thankfully that same day she entered the Pheta Delta Phi wet t-shirt contest where she was completely hosed to down from head to toe--
Prosecutor: Objection, why is this revelant?
Elle: I have a point, I promise.
Judge: Then make it.
Elle: Chutney, why is it Tracy Marcinco's curls were ruined when she got hosed down?
Chutney: Because they got wet.
Elle: Exactly. Because isn't the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you're forbidden to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the immonium thygocolate?
Chutney: Yes.
Elle: (on a roll, speaking quickly) And wouldn't somebody who had, say, 30 perms before in their life be well aware of this rule, and if in fact you weren't washing your hair as I suspect you weren't because your curls are still intact, wouldn't you have heard the gunshot, and if in fact you had heard the gunshot Brooke Windum wouldn't have had time to hide the gun before you got downstairs. Which means you would have had to found Brooke Windum with a gun in her hand to make your story plausible, isn't that right?
Chutney: She's my age, did she tell you that? How would you feel if your father married someone who was your age?
Elle: You, however, Chutney had time to hide the gun after you shot your father.
Chutney: I didn't mean to shoot him! (at Brooke) I thought it was you walking through the door!
Elle: Oh my God.
Judge: Oh my God.
Brooke: Oh my God.
(Courtroom audience gasps in surprise)
Judge: Bailiff put witness in custody for the murder of Joseph Windum. Case dismissed. Mrs. Brooke Windum: you're free to go.
(Everyone cheers)

Kill Bill Vol. 2

Bill: As you know, I'm quite keen of comic books, especially the ones about superheroes. I find the whole mythology surrounding superheroes fascinating. Take my favorite superhero; Superman, not a great comic book, not particularly well-drawn, but the mythology; the mythology is not only great, it's unique.
Now, the staple of the superhero mythology is; there is the superhero and there is the alter ego. Batman is actually Bruce Wayne, Spiderman is actually Peter Parker; when that character wakes up in the morning, he's Peter Parker. He has to put on a costume to become Spiderman and it is in that characteristic, Superman stands alone. Superman didn't become Superman, Superman was born Superman. When superman wakes up in the morning, he's Superman. His alter ego is Clark Kent, his outfit with the big red “S”. That's the blanket he was wrapped in as a baby when the Kents found him. Those are his clothes. What Kent wears; the glasses, the business suit, that's the costume; that’s the costume that Superman wears to blend in with us. Clark Kent is how Superman views us, and what are the characteristics of Clark Kent; he’s weak, he’s unsure of himself, he’s a coward. Clark Kent is Superman’s critique on the whole human race, sorta like Beatrix Kiddo and Mrs. Tommy Plympton.

Kill Bill v.2

Bill: Once upon a time in China, some believe, around the year one double-ought three. Head priest of the White Lotus Clan, Pai Mei was walking down the road, contemplating whatever it is that a man of Pai Mei's infinite power contemplates - which is another way of saying "who knows" - when a Shaolin monk appeared, traveling in the opposite direction. As the monk and the priest crossed paths, Pai Mei, in a practically unfathomable display of generosity, gave the monk the slightest of nods. The nod was not returned. Now was it the intention of the Shaolin monk to insult Pai Mei or did he just fail to see the generous social gesture? The motives of the monk remain unknown. What is known, are the consequences. The next morning Pai Mei appeared at the Shaolin Temple and demanded of the Temple's head abbot that he offer Pai Mei his neck to repay the insult. The Abbot at first tried to console Pai Mei, only to find Pai Mei was inconsolable. So began the massacre of the Shaolin Temple and all 60 of the monks inside at the fists of the White Lotus. And so began the legend of Pai Mei's five point palm exploding heart technique.

Jerry Maguire

Jerry: Don't worry... (laughs) don't worry. I'm not gonna do... what you all think i'm gonna do, which is just FLIP OUT!! (he throws his arms in the air and shakes, sending papers flying) But let me just say, as I ease out of the office, that i helped build... I'm sorry, but it is a FACT... that there is such a thing... as manners. A way of treating people. (a pause, he nods, looks around, sees the fish tank) These fish have manners. These fish have manners. In fact, they're coming with me. I'm starting a new company, and the fish are coming with me. You can (chuckle) call me sentimental, but the fish are coming with me.
(he takes a long beat scooping two goldfish into a plastic baggie)
Now. If you come with me, this will be the moment of something new, and fun, and inspiring in this GOD FORSAKEN business. And we will do it together. So... who's coming with me? who's coming with me and (he points at the baggie, thinks) flipper, here? Huh? (he makes little finger gestures) Who's coming with me? WHO'S COMING WITH ME? (A beat, everyone in the office stares in silence) This is embarrassing. (a slight pause) Wendy, shall we?
Wendy (Nada Despotovich): Aw, Jer, i'm one month from that pay increase...I...
Jerry: Okay... okay.
(He is angry and downtrodden; he begins to leave.)
Dorothy (Renee Zellweger): I'll go with you!
Jerry: (points dramatically) Dorothy, thank you!
Dorothy: (mouthing the words, clearly worried) Now?
(Jerry nods)
(She gathers all of her stuff very quickly)
Jerry (once they are ready to leave): We will see you all again...sleep tight!

The Island

Merrick (Sean Bean): What's troubling, you, Lincoln?
Lincoln Six-Echo: It - it's just... all right, Tuesday night is tofu night, and I'm asking myself "Who here decided that everyone likes tofu in the first place, and what is tofu anyway?" And why can't I have bacon? I line up every morning, and I'm not allowed any bacon for my breakfast. And - and tell me - let's talk about all the white. Why is everyone wearing white all the time? It's impossible to keep clean, I'm walking around, I get - I always get the gray stripe, I never get any color, and I hand it in to be cleaned, and - and someone cleans it and fold it neatly back in my drawer, but who? Who is that person? I don't know. I just - I wanna know answers and I - and I wish that there was more.
Merrick: More?
Lincoln Six-Echo: Yeah, more than just waiting to go to the Island.

Housesitter

(Davis enters his house, which he believed empty, to find it fully furnished with a blonde in the kitchen.)
Davis: Hello?
Gwen:What are you doing here?
Davis: What am I doing? What are you doing here?
Gwen: (after long pause) Well, well, I got kicked out of my apartment, I had no place to go. I would've called you right away, except, you know, you just never told me where you lived or where your office was, even.
Davis: You're the waitress! Gwen.
Gwen: Well, excuse me, but I thought we'd been introduced.
Davis: No, I recognize you, it's just, you know, you were wearing that Hungarian garb.
Gwen: Yeah, well, I had to get out of that place, you know, because Karol and I had a real difference of opinion of exactly when he could come to my apartment unannounced, and exactly where he could put his hands while he was there.
Davis: Didn't you have any friends you could go to?
Gwen: I told you I'd only been in Boston for three weeks, I didn't know anybody. All I had was that cute little drawing you made of this house, you know--I knew it was in Dobbs Mill, and I knew that, you know, it was just sitting here, not doing anything.
Davis: Where did all this furniture come from?
Gwen: Bigelow's.
Davis: No, I mean how did it get here? Some sort of furniture stampede?
Gwen: I'll pay you back.
Davis: Pay me back?
(They are interrupted by a dog)
Gwen: (to the dog) Oh, Booboo, no honey. The men are coming tomorrow to put in the dog door.
Davis: What is happening?
Gwen: Well, if you just listened...
Davis: I'm listening, I'm listening!!
Gwen: All right. I was hungry, okay? So I went to Keller's market to just pick up some peanut butter and stuff, and that's where I overheard Hazel telling Travis...
Davis: (interupted) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa… Hazel?
Gwen: Hazel Byron.
Davis: You know Mrs. Byron?!
Gwen: Yeah, your piano teacher, great gal. I don't know if you heard about her son, Stewie, but oh, what he put that poor woman through!
Davis: Wait a minute. Go back to the part at the grocery store where Mrs. Byron says to Mr. Keller...
Gwen: Okay. So, she told him to just put it on her account.
Davis: You charged the groceries to me!?
Gwen: Well, I was hungry. Now c'mon, you gotta understand that.
Davis: What'd you tell him, how'd you get him to do it?
Gwen: Well, I guess he was under the impression that I was --
Davis: (interupting) Insane!?
Gwen: Mm, no, I just told him to go ahead and put it on our account.
Davis: Our account?
Gwen: Well, it seemed harmless.
Davis: You told him you were my wife?!
Gwen: Well, what was I supposed to do? You tell me.
Davis: And he believed you?!
Gwen: And why wouldn't he?
Davis: (splutters) Well...
Gwen: What's the matter, I'm not good enough to be your wife?
Davis: (as if he hadn't meant it that way) Nnnoo….
Gwen: Well, Travis thinks I'm good enough. And Harvey and Lorraine think I'm good enough.
Davis: This coffee table.
Gwen: What about it?
Davis: It's my mother's.
Gwen: I know, it's not my taste either, but all of this represents a compromise. You know your mother!
Davis: My parents think we're married??!
(He puts his feet on the table)
Gwen: Hey, it's not so bad! C'mon, everything's gonna be fine! Would you mind taking your feet off the furniture?

Gettysburg

Colonel Joshua Chamberlain: This is a different kind of army. If you look at history you'll see men fight for pay, or women, or some other kind of loot. They fight for land, or because a king makes them, or just because they like killing. But we're here for something new. This hasn't happened much in the history of the world. We are an army out to set other men free. America should be free ground, from here to the Pacific Ocean. No man has to bow, no man born to royalty. Here we judge you by what you do, not by who your father was. Here you can be something. Here you can build a home. But it's not the land. There's always more land. It's the idea that we all have value, you and me. What we're fighting for, in the end, is each other. Sorry. Didn't mean to preach.

Fried Green Tomatoes

Ruth: I had a dream the other night. I dreamt that Buddy was gone. I ran to his crib and there he was, sleeping like an angel. And you know, I thanked God for letting me still have Buddy. And I remembered having the same reaction after Frank would beat me, thanking the Lord for giving me the strength to take it. And I remembered thanking the Lord for each day that my mother lived. Even when she was spittin' up blood and prayin' for me to kill her. I looked into my mother's eyes, pleadin' for me to help her, and all I could do was pray. While... while you were gone, and I was holding Buddy, I thought, "If that bastard, Frank Bennett, ever tries to take my child, I won't pray. I'll break his neck.

Fried Green Tomatoes

Evelyn Couch: I never get mad, Mrs. Threadgood. Never! The way I was raised it was bad manners. Well I got mad and it felt terrific! I felt like I could beat the shit outta all those punks! Excuse my language, just beat them to a pulp! Beat them 'til they begged for mercy. Towanda, the Avenger! After I wipe out all the punks of this world I'll take on the wife beaters, like Frank Bennett, and machine gun their genitals. And I'll put tiny little bombs in Penthouse and Playboy, so they'll explode when you open 'em. And I'll ban all fashion models who weigh less then 130 pounds. I'll give half the military budget to people over 65 and declare wrinkles sexully desirable. Towanda righter of wrongs, Queen beyond compare!

Fools Rush In

Isabel: What are you doing? There's nothing to say.
Alex: Now wait a minute, there might be. This afternoon, I couldn't decide between a Texas burger and a tuna melt, but my life made sense. And now, I know exactly what I want, and my life doesn't make any sense. And I was doing fine this afternoon, I was doing great! That was me then. But I don't know, somewhere between the tuna melt and your aunt's tamales... I mean, I was afraid that I had already met the woman of my dreams at the dry cleaner's or something and I was just to busy to notice. But now I'm here and I see that that's not true because.. it's you. Isabel Fuentes, you're the one! You are everything I never knew I always wanted. I'm not even sure what that means exactly, but I think it has something to do with the rest of my life! And I think we should get married. Right now!

Erin Brockovich

Sanchez (Gina Gallego): Let's be honest here. Twenty million dollars is more money than these people have ever dreamed of.
Erin: Oh, see, now that pisses me off. First of all -- since the demur, we now have more than four hundred plaintiffs...and (mocking her) "let's be honest", we all know there's more out there. Now, they may not be the most sophisticated people, but they do know how to divide, and twenty million dollars isn't shit when it's split between them. And second of all -- these people don't dream about being rich. They dream about being able to watch their kids swim in a pool without worrying they'll have to have a hysterectomy at age 20, like Rosa Diaz -- a client of ours -- or have their spine deteriorate like Stan Bloom. Another client of ours. So before you come back here with another lame-ass offer, I want you to think real hard about what your spine is worth, Mr.Buda -- or what you'd expect someone to pay you for your uterus, Ms. Sanchez -- then you take out your calculator and multiply that number by a hundred. Anything less than that is a waste of our time.

Election

Tracy Flick: Poet Henry David Thoreau once wrote, "I cannot make my days longer, so I strive to make them better." With this election, we here at Carver also have an oppurtunity to make our high school days better. During this campaign I have had the oppurtunity to speak to many of you about your concerns. I spoke with freshman Eliza Ramirez, who told me how alienated she feels from her own homeroom. I spoke with sophomore Reggie Banks who said his mother works in the cafeteria and can't afford to buy him enough spiral notebooks for his classes. I won't bore you with long winded promises about all the new and innovative things I will definitely achieve during the year in which it will be my honor and privelege to represent each and every one of you, but I can say that my years of experience on the student council have taught me the three most important attributes the president needs to possess; committment, qualifications, and experience. I'll add one more, caring. I care about Carver and I care about each and every one of you and together we can all make a difference. One of the things I would like to establish is a regular open forum where any student can come and voice their concern about issues we face here at carver. I and the rest of the student council would then interface with the faculty and staff, so a continuous dialogue would exist. When you cast your vote for TRacy Flick next week, you won't just be voting for me. You'll be voting for yourself and for every other student. Our days won't be any longer, but they can sure be better.

Dr. Strangelove

General Ripper: Do you realize that in addition to fluoridating water, why, there are studies underway to fluoridate salt, flour, fruit juices, soup, sugar, milk, ice cream? Ice cream, Mandrake? Children's ice cream!...You know when fluoridation began?...1946. 1946, Mandrake. How does that coincide with your post-war Commie conspiracy, huh? It's incredibly obvious, isn't it? A foreign substance is introduced into our precious bodily fluids without the knowledge of the individual, and certainly without any choice. That's the way your hard-core Commie works. I first became aware of it, Mandrake, during the physical act of love...Yes, a profound sense of fatigue, a feeling of emptiness followed. Luckily I was able to interpret these feelings correctly. Loss of essence. I can assure you it has not recurred, Mandrake. Women...women sense my power, and they seek the life essence. I do not avoid women, Mandrake...but I do deny them my essence.

Dead Poets Society

Mr. Keating: In my class, you will learn to think for yourselves again. You will learn to savor words and languages. No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world. I see that look in Mr Pitts' eyes like 19th century literature has nothing to do with going to business school or medical school, right? Maybe. You may agree and think yes, we should study our Mr. Pritcher and learn our rhyme and meter and go quietly about the business of achieving other ambitions. Well, I have a secret for you. Huddle Up...Huddle UP! We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. Medicine, law, business these are all noble pursuits necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, and love; these are what we stay alive for. To quote from Whitman "Oh me, Oh life of the question of these recurring. of the endless trains of the faithless of cities filled with the foolish. What good amid these? Oh me, Oh life." "Answer...that you are here and life exists....You are here. Life exists, and identity. The powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse." The powerful play goes on and you may contribute a verse. What will your verse be?

Clueless

Cher: So, OK, like right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all "What about the strain on our resources?" But it's like, when I had this garden party for my father's birthday right? I said R.S.V.P. because it was a sit-down dinner. But people came that like, did not R.S.V.P. so I was like, totally buggin'. I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food, squish in extra place settings, but by the end of the day it was like, the more the merrier! And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion, may I please remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty?

Clerks

Chewlie's Rep: You're spending what? Twenty, thirty dollars a week on cigarettes....Fifty-three dollars. Would you pay someone that much money every week to kill you? Because that's what you're doing now, by paying for the so-called privilege to smoke! ....It's that kind of mentality that allows this cancer-producing industry to thrive. Of course we're all going to die someday, but do we have to pay for it? Do we actually have to throw hard-earned dollars on a counter and say, "Please, please, Mr. Merchant of Death, sir; please sell me something that will give me bad breath, stink up my clothes, and fry my lungs. ....Of course it's not that easy to quit; not when you have people like this mindless cretin so happy and willing to sell you nails for your coffin....Now he's going to launch into his rap about how he's just doing his job; following orders. Friends, let me tell you about another bunch of hate mongers that were just following orders; they were called Nazis, and they practically wiped a nation of people from the Earth...just like cigarettes are doing now! Cigarette smoking is the new Holocaust, and those that partake in the practice of smoking or selling the wares that promote it are the Nazis of the Nineties! He doesn't care how many people die from it! He smiles as you pay for your cancer sticks and says, "Have a nice day."

Can't Hardly Wait

Preston: Look, I don't know about you, but I really believe that there is one person out there ... for everybody. That's what this is about ... (points to letter he is holding in his hand) It's not just some sappy love letter telling her how my heart stops everytime that I see her. It's in there though. It's not just to tell her that I think she's more than just the homecoming queen. Or Mike's girlfriend. That there is this amazing person inside her that nobody bothers to see. It's in there too ... but, what it's really about, is that if she'd just give me a chance, just one chance ... maybe we could find out if there is a reason for all of this. Why she's not with Mike tonight and after four years, I'm still here with this letter. Maybe we could find out what that reason is. Y'know? It's time to find out. I think I'm ready to do this. Finally. Any words of encouragement?

Breakfast at Tiffany's

Paul Varjak: You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to eachother, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself

Animal Crackers

(Capt.Spaulding's Adventures in Africa)
Captain Spaulding: Friends, I'm going to to tell you of the great mysterious wonderful continent known as Africa. Africa, God's country. And he can have it...Well, sir, we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second. After fifteen days on the water and six on the boat we finally arrived on the shores of Africa.
We at once proceded 300 miles into the heart of the jungle where I shot a polar bear. This bear was 6 foot 7 in his stocking feet and had shoes on. This bear was anemic and couldn't stand the cold climate. He was a rich bear and could afford to go away in the winter. From the day of our arrival we led an active life. The first morning saw us up at six, breakfasted, then back in bed at seven. This was our routine for the first three months. We finally got so we were back in bed at six-thirty.
One morning I was sitting in front of the cabin smoking some meat There wasn't a cigar store in the neighborhood. As I say, I was sitting in front of the cabin when I bagged six tigers. I bagged them, I bagged them to go away, but they hung around all afternoon. They were the most persistant tigers I've ever seen. The principal animals inhabiting the African jungle are moose, elk and Knights of Pythias.
Of course you all know what a moose is, that's big game. The first day I shot two bucks that was the biggest game we had. As I say you all know what a moose is? A moose runs around on the floor, and eats cheese and is chased by the cats. The elks on the other hand live up in the hills, and in the spring they come down for their annual convention. It is very interesting to watch them come down to the water-hole; and you should see them run when they find it is only water-hole. What they're looking for is a elk-a-hole. One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know. But that is entirely irrevent to what I was talking about. We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed.But we're going back again in a couple of weeks...

12 Angry Men

Juror #10: I don’t understand you people. I mean all these little picky points you bring up don’t mean nothing. They don't mean nothing. How can you believe his story? You're an intelligent man and you're not gonna tell me you’re not. You know the facts of life. Just look at what we're dealing with. Just look at what we're dealing with here. You know him. You know this kid. And this guy over here, I don’t know what the hell is going on with him, all this talk about psychiatrists. Maybe he ought to go to one. Now let’s look at the facts. These people are born to lie. Now that’s the way they are and no intelligent man is gonna tell me otherwise. They don’t know what the truth is. You take a look at them, they’re different. They think different, they act different and they don’t need some big excuse to kill somebody either. (Juror #5 leaves to go to the bathroom) Well it's true, Everyone knows it. Smoking that crack. Nothing but crack heads. (about the juror leaving) Look at him: Smart guy, Uncle Tom. What does that mean? Slamming the door. Anyway these people get drugged out and then BANG, all of a sudden somebody’s lying dead in the gutter. Okay look, nobody's blaming them for it. That’s just the way they are by nature. You know what I mean, they’re violent. And human life don’t mean as much to them as it does to us. (Juror #11 also leaves to go into the bathroom) Where you going? Where you going? Look while you’re in there maybe you ought to clean out your ears. Maybe you can hear something. Now look, listen to me now. These Spics they stay high on dope and they fight all the time. Look, if somebody gets killed, so somebody gets killed; they don’t care. And they breed like animals. Okay sure, there's some good things about them, I'm the first guy to tell you that. I've known some who are okay but that's the exception.
Juror #9 (Hume Cronyn): Do you know you're a sick man? Sit down.
Juror #10: You old son of a bitch, who are you? No, who the hell is he to tell me that… sit.. No, I’m speaking my piece here today and you're gonna listen. There's not one of them, not one that's any good. NOT ONE! You hear that? Sympathetic bastards And you at the window, you're so goddamn smart. We're facing a danger. Don't you know that? These wetbacks are multiplying like rabbits. They come over here illegally and they're multiplying five times faster than my people. That’s five times faster brothers. And they're wild animals. They're against us. They hate us. They want to destroy us. They come over here and they benefit from everything that we've built. That's right. Don't look at me like that. There's a danger. We are living in a dangerous time brother. If we don't smack them down. If we don't do something every chance we get then they're gonna own us. They're going to breed us out of existence.
Juror #6 (James Gandolfini): Shut up!
Juror #10: I'm warning you. You listen to me. I'm telling you, this boy. This boy on trial. We got him. We've got him. That's one at least. I say we get him before his kind gets us. I don’t give a damn about the law. Why should I? They don't. And I'm telling you--
Juror #2 (Ossie Davis): I’ve heard enough! Now you just stop this.
Juror #10: C'mon man, wake up. We can make a difference here.
Juror #4 (Armin Mueller-Stahl): Sit down! And don’t open your filthy mouth again.

"Crimes of the Heart" (play)

Years of living without any return of love from her husband, Babe begins having an affair with a 16 year old black boy, Willie Jay. When she is denied this hope of love, her last string is cut and she shoots her husband. In this monologue she is talking to her sister.
Babe:After we did it, we were just standing around on the back porch playing with Dog(her pet dog). Well, suddenly Zackery comes from around the side of the house. And he startled me 'cause he's supposed to be away at the office, and there he is coming from round the side of the house. Anyway, he says to Willie Jay, "Hey boy, what are you doing back here?" And I say, "He's not doing anything. You just go on home, Willie Jay! You just run right on home." Well, before he can move, Zackery comes up and knocks him once right across the face and then shoves him down the porch steps, causing him to skin up his elbow real bad on that hard concrete. Then he says, "Don't you ever come around her again, or I'll have them cut out your gizzard!" Well, Willie Jay starts crying- these tears come streaming down his face-then he gets up real quick and runs away, with Dog following after him. After that, I don't remember too clearly; let's see? I went on into the living room, and I went right on up to the davenport and opened the drawer where we keep the burglar gun? I took it out. Then I-I brought it up to my ear. That's right. I put it right beside my ear. Why I was gonna shoot off my own head! That's what i was gonna do. Then I heard the back door slamming and suddenly, for some reason, I thought about Mama? How she'd hung herself. And here I was about ready to shoot myself. Then I realized-that's right, I realized how I didn't wanna kill myself! And she-she probably didn't wanna kill herself. She wanted to kill him, and I wanted to kill him, too. I wanted to kill Zackery, not myself. 'Cause I-I wanted to live! So I waited for him to come on into the living room. Then I held out the gun, and I pulled the trigger, aiming for his heart but getting him in the stomach.(pause)It's funny that I really did that.

Chicago

Liz:You know how people have these kittke habits that get you down? Like Bernie. Bernie liked to chew gum. No, not chew, POP. So I came home this one day and I'm really irritated and I'm looking for a little bit of sympathy and there's Bernie, lying on the couch drinking a beer and chewin. No, not chewing--POPPING. So I said to him, I said "you POP that gum one more time..." And he did. So I took the shotgun off the wall and fired two warning shots...into his head.

Annie: I met Ezekiel Young from Salt Lake City about two years ago and he told me he was single and we hit it off right away. So, we started living together. He'd go to work, he'd come home, I'd fix him a drink, we'd have dinner. And then I found out. "Single" he told me. Single my ass. Not only was he married...oh, no, he had six wives. On of those Mormons, you know. So that night, when he came home from work, I fixed him his drink as usual. You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic!

June: I'm standin' in the kitchen, carving up a chicken for dinner, minding my own business, in storms my husband, Wilbur, in a jealous rage. "You've been screwing the milkman," he said. He was crazy, and he kept on screaming, "you've been screwing the milkman." And then he ran into my knife...he ran into my knife ten times.

Mona: I loved Al Lipshitz more that I could say. He was a real artistic type, a painter. He was always trying to find himself. He'd go out every night looking for himself. And on the way, he found Ruth, Gladys. Gladys. Rosemary. and Irving. I guess you could say we broke up because of artistic differences. He saw himself as alive. And I saw him dead.

Velma Kelly: My sister Veronica and I had this double act, and my husband Charlie traveled around with us. Now for the last number in our act, we did these twenty acrobatic tricks in a row. One, two, three, four, five, splits, spread eagles, backflips, flip-flops, one right after the other. So this one night before the show, we're down at the hotel Cicero. The three of us boozon', having a few good laughs. And we ran out of ice, so i go out to get some. I come back...open the door...and there's Veronica and Charlie, doing the number seventeen: the Spread Eagle. Well, I was in such a state of shock; I completely blacked out, i can't remember a thing. it wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands, I even knew they were dead.

Twelfth Night

Duke Orsino: Why should I not, had I the heart to do it
Like to the Egyptian thief at point of death,
Kill what I love?--a savage jealousy
That somethimes savours nobly. But hear me this;
Since you to non-regardance cast my faith,
And that i partly know the instrument
Thats screws me from my true place in your favour,
Live you the marble-breated tyrant still;
But this is your minion, whom i know you love,
And whom, by heaven I swear, I tenderly dearly,
Him will I tear out of that cruel eye,
Where he sits crowned in his master's spite.
Come, boy, with me; my thoughts are ripe in mischief:
I'll sacrifice the lamb that I do love,
To spite a raven's heart within a dove.

Crimes of the Heart

(Babe is talking to her lawyer, Barnette, about how she shot her husband "as a result of continuous physical and mental abuse". Babe shot her husband after he beat a young black boy with whom she was having an affair. This play takes place in the deep south, so a southern accent woulf fit nicely if you can do it.)
Babe: After I shot Zackery, I put the gun down on the piano bench, and then I went out into the kitchen and made up a pitcher of lemonade. I was dying of thirst. My mouth was just as dry as a bone. I made it just the way I like it, with lots of sugar and lots of lemon- about ten lemons in all. The nI added two trays of ice and stirred it up with my wooded stirring spoon. Then I drank three glasses, one right after the other. They were large glasses-about this tall(she demonstrates). Then suddenly my stomach kind of swole all up. I guess what caused it was all that sour lemon. Then what I did was, I wiped my mouth off with the back of my hand, like this.(demonstrating again) I did it to clear off all those little beads of water that had settled there. Then I called out to Zackery. I said, "Zackery, I've made some lemonade. Can you use a glass?" But he didn't answer. So i poured him a glass anyway and I took it out to him. And there he was, lying on the rug. And he was looking up at me trying to speak words. I said "what? Lemonade? You don't want it? Would you like a Coke instead?" Then I got the idea- he was telling me to call on the telephone for medical help. So I got on the phone and called up the hospital. I gave my name and address and I told them my husband was shot and he was lying on the rug and there was plenty of blood. i guess that's gonna look kinda bad. Me fixing that lemonade before I called the hospital.(thinks for a moment)I tell you, I think the reason I made up the lemonade , I mean besides the fact that my mouth was bone dry, was that I was afraid to call the authorities. I was afrid. I-I really think I was afraid they would see that I had tried to shoot Zakery, in fact that I had shot him, and they would accuse me of possible murder and send me away to jail. I mean, in fact, that's what did happen. That's what is happening- 'cause here I am just about ready to go right off to the Parchment Prison Farm. Yes, here I am just practically on the brink of utter doom. Why, I feel so alone.

NUTS

Claudia:(on trial for manslaughter:trying to prove she is too crazy to stand trial for her crime. she has just been asked if she loves her mom) When I was a little girl, I used to say to her, I love you to the moon and down again, and around the world and back again; and she used to say to me, I love you to the sun and down again, and around the stars and back again. Do you remember, Mama? And I used to think, wow, I love Mama and Mama loves me, and what can go wrong. What went wrong Mama? I love you and you love me, and what went wrong? You see, I know she loves me, and I know I love her, and- so what? So waht? She's over there and I'm over here. and she hates me because of things I've done to her, and I hate her because of things she's done to me. You stand up there asking, do you love your daughter, and they say "yes", and you think you've asked something real, and they think they've said something real. You think because you throw the word love around like a frisbee that we're all going to get warm and runny. No. Something happens to some people. They love you so much, they stop noticing you're there, because they're so busy loving you. They love you so much, their love is a gun, and they fire it straight into your head. They love you so much you go right into the hospital. Yes, I know my mother loves me. Mama, I know you love me. And I nkow the one thing you learn when you grow up is that love is not enough. It's too much, and it's not enough.

It Happened One Night

Peter Warren:(on marriage)Sure, I've thought about it. Who hasn't? If I could ever meet the right kind of girl. Ahh, but where you gonna find her? Somebody that's real, somebody that's alive! They don't come like that anymore. Have i ever thought about it? Boy, I've even been sucker enough to make plans. You know, I saw an island in the Pacific once, never been able to forget it. That's where I'd like to take her. She'd have to be the sort of a girl who'd...ohh...jump in the surf with me, and love it as much as I did. You know, the nights when you and the moon and the water all become one? And you feel you're part of something big and marvelous. That's the only place to live--where the stars are so close over your head, you feel you can reach up and stir them around. Certainly, I've been thinking about it.

Forrest Gump

You died on a Saturday morning, and I had you placed here, under our tree. And I had that house of your father's bulldozed to the ground. Mama always said dying was a part of life. I sure wish it wasn't. Little Forrest, he's doing just fine. 'Bout to start school again soon. I make him breakfast, luch, and dinner everyday. Teaching him how to play ping-pong. He's really good. We fish alot. And every night we read a book--and he's so smart Jenny. You'd be so proud of him. I am. He, uh, wrote you a letter, but he says I can't read it, I'm not supposed to, so I'll just leave it here for you. Jenny, I don't know if Mama's right or if its Lieutenant Dan. I don't know if we each have a destiny or if we're all floating around all accidental, like on a breeze. But I think maybe it's both, maybe both is happening at the same time. I miss you, Jenny. If there's anything you need, I won't be far away.

Cool Hand Luke

(Luke has just entered and abandoned church as he attempts to escape from a chain gang so he can have a conversation with God)
Luke: Anybody here? Hey old man, you home tonight? Can you spare a minute? I know i'm a pretty evil fellow: Killed people in the war an'..got drunk..and chewed up municipal property in life, I know I got no call to ask for much, but even so, you gotta admit you ain't dealt me no cards in a long time...From here, it looks like, you got things fixed so I can never win out! inside, outside, all them...rules, and regulations, and bosses. You made me like I am! So just, where am I supposed to fit in? Old man, I gotta tell ya...I started out pretty strong and fast. But it's beginning to get to me. When did it end? What do ya got in mind for me? What do I do now? All right. All right. On my knees, asking...Yeah, that's what I thought...I guess I'm pretty tough to deal with, huh? A hard case...yeah, I guess I gotta find my own way.

A Few Good Men

Col. Jessup: You can't handle the truth! Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns, who's gonna do it? You? You Lt. Wienberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury, you have that luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago's tragic death probably saved lives, and my existence, grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don;t want the truth because deep down places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as a backbone of a life spent defending something, you use them as a punch line. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man that rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide and then questions the matter in which i provide it. I'd rather you just said thank you, and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post, either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

Planes, Trains, & Automobiles

Neal Vents: You're no saint. You got a free cab, you got a free room--and someone'll listen to your boring stories! Didn't you notice on the plane when you started talking, eventually I started reading the vomit bag? Didn't that give you some sort of clue, like maybe this guy is not enjoying it? Y'know, not everything is an anecdote, you have to discriminate! You choose things that are funny or midly amusing! You're a miracle! Your stories have none of that! They're not even amusing accidentally! "Honey, I'd like you to meet Gel Griffith, he's got some amusing anecdotes for ya! And, oh, here's a gun so you can blow your brains out, you'll thank me for it! I could tolerate any insurance seminar. For days, I could sit there, and listen to them go on and on with a big smile on my face! And they'd say, how can you stand it? And I'd say, because I've been with Del Griffith, I can take anything! Y'know what they'd say, they'd say, "I know what you mean, the shower curtain ring guy...yeah, whoa! It's like going on a date with a Chatty-Kathy doll. I expect you to have a string on your chest that you pull out and have to snap back. Except I wouldn't have to pull it out and snap it back, you would! Dyah dyah dyah dyah! And you know, when you're telling these little stories, here's a good idea: HAVE A POINT!! It makes so much more interesting for the listener!

A Cinderella Story

Austin:Sam. Okay, I know what you think, I'm just some...
Sam:Coward? Phony?
Austin:Okay, just listen.
Sam:No, you listen. You turned out to be exactly who I thought you were. i never pretended to be somebody else. It's been me all along. And it was me who was hurt in front of everybody. Look I didn't come here to yell at you, okay? I know what it feels like to be afraid to show who you are. i was. But I'm not anymore. And the thing, I don't care what people think about me because I believe in myself. And I know that things are gonna be okay. But even though I have no family, no job, and no money for college...it's you that I feel sorry for. I know that guy that wrote those emails is somewhere inside of you, but I can't wait for him. Because waiting for you is like waiting for rain in this drought. Useless and Disappointing.

Center Stage

Jody:Wait. For ten years, all I've wanted was to be one of American Ballet Company's perfect ballerinas. I've wanted to be you Juliette. But I'm not you, and I'm not perfect, I'm just me, bad feet and all. And, I'm starting to think I like that even better. Please don't. Because if you're not going to offer me a place in the company, then i don't want to hear it...and if you are...I might not have the strength to say no--and then I'd be spending my best dancing years in the back of a corps waving a rose back and forth and I'm better than that. So...Thank you, Jonathan for making me the best dancer I could be. I appreciate it more than I can say, really. Because the best dancer I can be is a principal in Cooper Nielson's new company.

Romeo and Juliet

Lady Capulet: What say you? Can you love the gentleman? This night you shall behold him at our feast; Read oe'r the volume of young Paris's face,
And find delight writ there with beauty's pen;
Examine every married lineament,
And see how one another lends content
And what obscured in this fair volume lies
Find written in the margent of his eyes.
This precious book of love, this unbound lover,
To beautify him, only lacks a cover:
The fish lives in the sea, and tis much pride
For fair without the fair within to hide:
That book in many's eyes doth share the glory,
That in gold clasps locks in the golden story;
So shall you share all that he doth possess,
By having him, making yourself no less.

Twelfth Night

O, what a deal of scorn looks beautiful
In the contempt and anger of his lip!
A murderous guilt shows not itself more soon
Than love that would seem hid: love's night is noon.
Cesario, by the roses of the spring,
By maidhood, honour, truth, and everything,
I love thee so, that, maugre all thy pride,
Nor wit nor reason can my passion hide.
Do not extort thy reasons from this clause,
For that i woo, thou therefore hast no cause,
But rather reason thus with reason fetter,
Love sought is good, but given unsought better.

Casablanca

Rick:Last night we said a great mant things. You said I was to do the thinking for both of us. Well, I've done a lot of it since then, and it all adds up to one thing: you're getting on that plane with Victor where you belong.
Ilsa:But, Richard, no, I...I...
Rick:Now, you've got to listen to me! You have any idea what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of ten, we'd both wind up in a concentration camp. Isn't that true, Louie?
Ilsa:You're saying this only to make me go.
Rick: I'm saying it because it's true. inside of us, we both know you belong with Victor. You're part of his work, the thing that keeps him going. If that plane leaves the ground and you're not with him, you'll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
Ilsa:But what about us?
Rick:We'll always have Paris. We didn't have, we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night.
Ilsa: When I said I would never leave you--
Rick:And you never will. But I've got a job to do, too. Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do, you can't be any part of. Ilsa, I'm no good at being noble, but it doesn't take much to see that the problems of three little people don't amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that. (She starts to cry)Now, now...Here's looking at you kid.

Steel Magnolias

M'Lynn: No...I couldn't leave my Shelby. I just sat there and kept pushin' the way I always have where Shelby was concerned...I was hopin' she'd sit up and argue with me. Finally we realized there was no hope. They turned off the machines. (pause) Couldn't take it. Jackson left.(Slight laugh)I find it amusin..men are supposed to be made outta steel or somethin. I just sat there. I just held Shelby's hand. Oh, God..I realize as a woman how lucky I am! I was there when that beautiful creature drifted into my life..and I was there when she drifted out of it. It was the most precious moment of my life...I gotta get it back. Has anyone got a mirror?
Truvey:Does anyone have a mirror? I dunno how ya doin on the inside honey...but your HAIR sure is holdin up beautiful.
M'Lynn:(looking in the mirror, upset)Shelby was right! This IS a brown football helmet!!(Starts to cry)
Clarie:Ohh..honey are you ok?
M'Lynn:I'm fine..I'm fine..I'm fine..I'm fine!(Sobbing and screaming)I could jog all the way to Texas an back..but my daughter can't!! She never could! Oh, God....I'm so mad I don't know what to do! I wanna know why! I wanna know WHY Shelby's life is over!! I wanna know HOW that baby will ever know how wonderful his mother was. Will he EVER know what she went THROUGH for him? Oh God I wanna know WHY? WHY? Lord...I wish I could understand! No...NO...NO!! It's not supposed to happen this way! I'm supposed to go first! I don't think I can take this..I..I don't think I can take this! I just wanna hit somethin'! i just wanna hit somebody...till they feels as bad as I do!! I just wanna hit something! I wanna hit it HARD!

Freaky Friday

Anna:(As her mother Tess)Uh, hi. Um, I, I guess I'm gonna start the toasts. So three years ago, we had a really bad thing happen in our family. We lost a father and a husband, and I didn't think we'd ever be able to get over it. But then...this guy next to me came into the picture. And everybody could see I was happy again. I was singing in the shower again. Not well, I might add. But I was still really worried about my kids, Anna and Harry. Whether they'd be able to accept a new man in their life. And now I know how Anna feels. And, and what she feels is that...no one could ever take the place of her dad...because he was a really, really great dad. But somebody could be part of a new family. Its own kind of cool, new, little unit. And that for someone as special as Ryan, that we woul all just make a little room. Anna really wanted her mom to know that.

Freaky Friday

Anna:(As her mother Tess)Well, of course we're tired because of our demanding and hectic...Do you want to know why adults are so tired all the time? Because they spend their time obsessing about these stupid, lame things they don't really have to do. Like cooking. I mean, have you never heard of take out? And cleaning? Let's don't and say we did! And quality time with your kids? You know waht? Quit begging 'em! Leave 'em alone! They like it! I mean Hello! it's called reading between the lines! try listening to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, The Vines, The Breeders. And if you're excited about something, why do you have to hold it in all the time? You know, just scream about it!@ Okay, do this with me, all right? Let's just say this cute guy asks you out. What are you gonna do? Whoo! Come on, that was pathetic! You know, you keep all that bottled up, no wonder you're getting old! I'm serious, this guy is hot! What are you gonna do? Whooo!

Freaky Friday

Anna(as her mother Tess): You read her diaries? Oh, that's gross! That's bad. "Bad Mom" award. Nothing is going on between her and this guy. Because if there was, she wouldn't be writing about it in her diary, she'd be out there doing it. And her best friend flirted with her a little bit, but he secretly likes your daughter. He just hasn't made his move yet because that wouldn;t be cool. So now her best friend is acting like some psycho freak. Okay?

The Importance of Being Earnest

Lady Bracknell: Well, i must say, Algernon, that i think it is high time that Mr. Bunbury made up his mind whether he was going to live or die. This shilly-shallying with the question is absurd. Nor did I in any way approve of the modern sympathy with invalids. I consider it morbid. Illness of any kind is hardly a thing to be encouraged in others. Health is the primary duty of life...as far as any improvement in his ailment goes. Well, Algernon, of course if you are obliged to be beside the bedside of Mr. Bunbury, I have nothing more to say. But I would be much obliged if you would ask Mr. Bunbury, from me, to be kind enough not to have a relapse on Saturday, for i rely on you to arrange my music for me. It is my last reception, and one wants something taht will encourage conservation, particularly at the end of the season when every one has practically said whatever they had to say, which, in most cases, was probably not much.

An Ideal Husband

Mabel Chiltern: Well, Tommy has proposed to me again. Tommy really does nothing but propose to me. He proposed last night in the music room, when I was quite unprepared, and there was an elaborate trio going on. I didn't dare to make the smallest repartee, I need hardly tell you. If I had, it would have stopped the music at once. Musical people are so absurdly unreasonable. They always want to one to be perfectly dumb at the very moment when one is longing to be absolutely deaf. Then he proposed to me in broad daylight this morning in front of the dreadful statue of Achilles. Really, the things that go on in front of that work of art are quite appaling. The police should interfere. And Tommy is so annoying in the way he proposes. If he proposed at the top of his voice, i should not mind so much. That might produce some effect on the public. But he does it in a horrid confidential way. When Tommy wants to be romantic he talks to one just like a doctor. I am very fond of Tommy, but his methods of proposing are quite out of date. I wish, Gertrude, you would speak to him, and tell him that once a week is quite often enough to propose to any one, and that it should always be done in a manner that attracts some attention!

About Schmidt

Roberta Hertzel: You already know how famously they get along as friends, their sex life is positively white hot? The main reason both of my marriages failed was sexual. I'm an extremely sexual person, I can't help it, it's just how I'm wired, you know, even when I was a little girl. I had my first orgasm when I was 6 in ballet class. Anyway, the point is that I have always been very easily aroused and very orgasmic, Jeannie and I have a lot in common that way. Clifford and Larry, they were nice guys, but they just could not keep up with me. Anyway, I don't want to betray Jeannie's confidence, but let me just assure you that whatever problems those two kids may run into along the way, they will always be able to count on what happens between the sheets to keep them together. More soup?

Tortured Eves: Mildred at the grocery store

Mildred: No, I don't want a plastic bag. Young man, that is what's wrong with the world. Plastic bags, bi-o-degradable factories with the special computers running the whole plant. Used to be that it took several men to run a plant. Now it takes one somewhere in a high-rise building to press a button. Poof thirty percent of the town lost their retirement funds. Boy, plastic bags was the beginning of all this fancy technology that started the breakdown of the family unit. You know you could provide a fine service to the community by letting them in on this. By pushing the paper bag we get back to basics. That plastic isn't worth a darn anyway. Unless of course you like groceries rolling around in your backseat.

Tortured Eves

Franny: (To her deceased husband) This is just like you ducking out before it's over! Weddings, parties, your life. Hal a little notice would have been nice! How do you expect me to take care of all this by myself? And what am I supposed to do about the lanai you started tiling? Finist it? Okay do they sell tile in the fabric store? You see? I can't do this without you. It's not the tile, it's everything. It's going to sleep at night alone, it's trying to get out of bed in the morning without a reason. You pretty soon the kids are going to be down here selling the house and moving me up north to some nursing home. You know so they don't have to worry, of course the won't say that. They'll say something like, so they can be closer to me. How am I suppsed to argue with that?

Romie and Michelle's High School Reunion

Romy: Okay, we're working in this advertising agency after college. Yeah, and we have like this big presentation to make to like a client. So, so we're like brainstorming and all of a sudden, we're out of paper clips. And so, okay, so then I, I say okay, wouldn't it be great if there was like this stickum on the back of this paper. So like it, it would just...if I laid it on top of that other paper, it would just stay, you know, like without a paper clip. Oh, so then you've got like this grandfather or this uncle, that has like a , like a paper company or a paper mill, and, and he's like really into it, and the rest is history. Oh, My god, it's perfect!

The Princess Diaries

Mia: Hi, um....hello. I'm Mia.Um, it's stopped raining.
I'm really no good at speech making. Normally, I get so nervous that I faint, or run away, or sometimes I even get sick. But you really didn't need to know that. But I'm not so afraid anymore, see, my father helped me.Earlier this evening I had every intention of giving up my claim to the throne. And my mother helped me, by telling me that it was ok, and supporting me like she has my entire life. But then I wondered how I'd feel after abdicating my role as Princess of Genovia. Would I feel relieved, or would I feel sad? And then I realized how many stupid times a day I used the word I. In fact all I ever do is think about myself, and how lame is that when there's like 7 billion other people on the planet, and..sorry, I'm going too fast. But then I thought , if I cared about that 7 billion out there instead of just me, that's probably a much better use of my time. See, if I were Princess of Genovia, then my thoughts and the thoughts of those smarter than me would be much better heard, and just maybe those thoughts could be turned into actions. So this morning I woke up Mia Thermopolis. But now I choose to be forvermore, Ameila Mignonette Thermopolis Renaldi, Princess of Genovia.

Dirty Dancing

Francis:(Baby) I told you I was telling the truth Daddy. I'm sorry I lied to you. But you lied too. You told me everyone was alike and deserved a fair break. But you meant everyone who was like you. You told me you wanted me to change the world, make it better. But you meant by me becoming a lawyer or an economist and marrying someone from Harvard. (pause) I'm not proud of myself, but I'm in this family too and you can't keep giving me the silent treatment. (pause) There are alot of things about me that aren't what you thought. But if you love me, you have to love all those things about me. I love you, and I'm sorry I let you down, I'm so sorry Daddy. But you let me down too.

Sweet Home Alabama: Melanie returns home

Jake: He's loud, but he don't bite. Come on, shut, hound! Lie down. Go on, stay. Now, how can I help you?
Melanie: Well, for starters, you can get your stubborn ass down here and give me a divorce. Come on, Jake, I mean it. The joke's over. Let's just finish this. I've got a plane to catch.
Jake: You're shittin' me right?
Melanie: You know, I've never actually understood that expression, but no, i'm not shitting you. Look it's even got these idiot proof tabs to make it easy. There's one copy for me, one copy for you, and one copy for the lawyers. What? Speak!
Jake: You show up here after 7 years without so much as a hey there Jake, remember me, your wife! Hi, honey looking good how's the family?
Melanie: You expect me to tell you that you look good? What did they run out of soap down at the Piggly Wiggly since I left?
Jake: They laugh at that up north or wherever it is you been.
Melanie: You knew where I was and don't even pretend you spent all this time missing me.
Jake: Oh, I missed you alright, but at this range my aim is bound to improve.
Melanie: Is that a threat? I got a lawyer that charges $350 an hour. He billed me everytime you sent these papers back.
Jake: Glad to see you finally got the message.
(At the same time) Melanie:Shut up, Bear! Jake: Shut up, Bryant!
Melanie: What happened to bear?
Jake: He died. you weren't here.(walks away)
Melanie: What are you doin?
Jake: Leavin'. You done it. You should recognize the gesture.
Melanie: Could we try to keep this as civilized as possible? Please sign the papers so I can go home.
Jake: What do you know from home? Hell, I bet your folks don't even know you're in town.
Melanie: That's my business!
Jake: Honey, those people are the only family you got.
Melanie: Don't you honey me honey.
Jake: Get your butt back in that car, you drive over and see 'em and then maybe we'll talk.
Melanie: Jake, you dumb stubborn redneck hick! The only reason you won't sign these papers is cause I want you to!
Jake: Wrong the only reason I ain't signin is cause you turned into some hoity-tooity yankee witch.. and I'd like nothing better right now than to piss you off!
Melanie: What are you doin with Mose Plydell's plane anyhow?
Jake: That's my business!
Melanie:Fine!
Jake: Fine! ( walks into the kitchen)Divorce my ass.
(walks back into the living room to find the door open)
Melanie: Hey genius, next you lock somebody out, make sure they don't know where the spare key is hidden.
Jake: See that's the thing about hide-a-keys, it's be nice if your wife told you where it was!
Melanie: I'm not your wife, Jake. I'm just..I'm just the first girl that climbed in the back of your truck. But you're right i have changed, I don't even know that girl anymore.
Jake: Well, then allow me to remind you.