Tommy Boy

Tommy: Dude, you'll never believe what happened to me today. It all started when I woke up this morning. You know usually I press the snooze button about four or five times...but today was different, when I heard the alarm, I just sprang out of bed and said to myself, "Today is going to be a great day!" I don't know why I said it, but I was feeling great! I got in the shower and found myself humming a cool song I heard the day before. While I was combing my hair in the mirror, I noticed that not only was it a great hair day, but my skin seemed different too....alive and glowing, and no it wasn't that new acne cream I'd been using...it was LIFE! So instead of dragging around, I threw on my clothes and headed out. When I got on the bus, the girls seemed to look at me differently. I thought maybe it was my confidence, or the hair, but then I thought who the heck cares, they were looking at me! So I looked back at them and they giggled. I was on top of the world! I went and got a seat in the back of the bus...then it came to me, I had a presentation due in first period... I wasn't about to let that ruin my day. I knew the material and I was on a roll. A few moments later, walking down the hallway, it was like a movie, almost every group of girls turned to look at me, it started to become really spooky actually. My next thought was, with my luck, I should be playing lottery. I got to my first period class and sat down. It's almost like I could feel Jamie, that hottie that sits behind me in class, staring at the back of my head...It felt great! And of course, I was called first to read my presentation to the class, so I strolled up to the front of the room with a gleaming smile...I actually winked at this girl who snickered at me in the front row...man was I getting bold! I couldn't help myself though, this never happened to me before, it was like a dream, and right when I was getting ready to start my presentation, the teacher called me aside...I thought I'd gone too far with the winking, but decided not to lose my cool and casually stroll over to her to recieve my reprimand. Dude, when she started talking to me, my stomach dropped to my feet, like I was on a fast roller coaster ride, and I could feel my face turning as white as a ghost. It was like the whole day flashed before my eyes. Well I thanked the teacher anyway, turned away from the class, swallowed my pride and zipped-up my fly.

Guys and Dolls

(Sarah is a very naive person, who has devoted her life to "saving" those who do not appear to want salvation. This monologue can be very comedic if Sarah is the picture of innocence and does not appear to realize how ridiculous she is.)
SARAH: Brothers and sisters, resist the Devil and he will flee from you. That is what the Bible tells us. And that is why I am standing here, in the Devil's own city, on the Devil's own street, prepared to do battle with the forces of evil. Hear me, you gamblers! With your dice, your cards, your horses! Pause and think before it is too late! You are in great danger! I am not speaking of the prison and the gallows, but of the greater punishment that awaits you! Repent before it is too late!
Just around the corner is out little mission where you are always welcome to seek refuge from this jungle of sin. Come here and talk to me. Do not think of me as Sergeant Sarah Brown, but as Sarah Brown, your sister. Join me, Brothers and Sisters, in resisting the Devil, and we can put him to flight forever.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

(Maggie is tormented by her longing for the husband she cannot possess and her craving for security. As her father-in-law draws closer to death, she worries that she and her husband will be given the smaller share of the inheritance because they have no children.)
MAGGIE: It's too bad, because you can't wring their necks if they've got no necks to wring! Isn't that right, honey? Yep, they're no-neck monsters, all no-neck people are monsters...
Here them? Hear them screaming? I don't know where their voice-boxes are located since they don't have necks. I tell you I got so nervous at that table tonight I thought I would throw back my head and utter a scream you could hear across the Arkansas border an' parts of Louisiana an' Tennessee. I said to your charming sister-in-law, Mae, honey, couldn't you feed those precious little things at a separate table with an oilcloth cover? They make such a mess an' the lace cloth looks so pretty! She made enormous eyes at me and said, "Ohhhh, noooooo! On Big Daddy's birthday? Why, he would never forgive me!" Well, I want you to know, Big Daddy hadn't been at the table two minutes with those five no-neck monsters slobbering and drooling over their food before he threw down his fork an' shouted, "Fo' God's sake, Gooper, why don't you put them pigs at a trough in th' kitchen?" - Well, I swear, I simply could have di-ieed!
Think of it, Brick, they've got five of them and number six is coming. They've brought the whole bunch down here like animals to display at the county fair. Why, they have those children doin' tricks all the time! "Junior, show Big Daddy how you do this, show Big Daddy how you do that, say your little piece fo' Big Daddy, Sister. Show your dimples, Sugar. Brother, show Big Daddy how you stand on your head!" -It goes on all the time, along with constant little remarks and innuendos about the fact that you and I have not produced any children, are totally childless and therefore totally useless! -Of course it's comical but it's also disgusting since it's so obvious what they're up to!

Angels in America

(Harper is a sad Mormon Valium addict. In this monologue she is listening to the radio and talking to herself, as she often does.)
HARPER: People who are lonely, people left alone, sit talking nonsense to the air, imagining... beautiful systems dying, old fixed orders spiraling apart... When you look at the ozone layer, from outside, from a spaceship, it looks like a pale blue halo, a gentle, shimmering aureole encircling the atmosphere, encircling the earth. Thirty miles above our heads, a thin layer of three-atom oxygen molecules, product of photosynthesis, which explains the fussy vegetable preference for visible light, its rejection of darker rays and emanations. Danger from without. It's a kind of gift from God, the crowning touch to the creation of the world: guardian angels, hands linked, make a spherical net, a blue-green nesting orb, a shell of safety for life itself. But everywhere, things are collapsing, lies surfacing, systems of defense giving way...This is why, Joe, this is why I shouldn't be left alone...
I'd like to go traveling. Leave you behind to worry. I'll send postcards with strange stamps and tantalizing messages on the back. "Later maybe." "Nevermore..."
I'm undecided. I feel...like something's going to give. It's 1985. Fifteen years till the third millenium. Maybe Christ will come again. Or maybe troubles will come, and the sky will collapse and there will be terrible rains and showers of poison light, or maybe my life is really fine, maybe Joe loves me and I'm only crazy thinking otherwise, or maybe not, maybe it's even worse than I know, maybe...I want to know, maybe I don't. The suspense...it's killing me...

Long Day's Journey Into Night

(Here, Edmund, suffering from tuberculosis - walks alone on the beach following an argument with his father and expresses his anger and bitterness.)
EDMUND: To hell with sense! We're all crazy! What do we want with sense? (He quotes, sardonically, from Dowson.)
"They are not long, the weeping and the laughter,
Love and desire and hate:
I think they have no portion in us after
We pass the gate.
They are not long, the days of wine and roses:
Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for a while, then closes
Within a dream."
The fog was where I wanted to be. Halfway down the path you can't see this house. You'd never know it was here. Or any of the other places down the avenue. I couldn't see but a few feet ahead. I didn't meet a soul. Everything looked and sounded so unreal. Nothing was what it is. That's what I wanted - to be alone with myself in another world where truth is untrue and life can hide from itself. Out beyond the harbor, where the road runs along the beach, I even lost the feeling of being on land. The fog and the sea seemed part of each other. It was like walking on the bottom of the sea. As if I had drowned long ago. As if I was a ghost belonging to the fog, and the fog was the ghost of the sea. It felt damned peaceful to be nothing more than a ghost within a ghost. (He sees his father staring at him with mingled worry and irritated disapproval. He grins mockingly.) Don't look at me as if I'd gone nutty. I'm talking sense. Who wants to see life as it is, if they can help it? It's the three Gorgons in one. You look in their faces and turn to stone. Or it's Pan. You see him and you die - that is, inside you - and you have to go on living as a ghost.

42nd Street

(Dorothy Brock is an established - and aged - Broadway star, who broke her ankle in on opening night - and was replaced by a younger, prettier, and more talented chorus girl named Peggy Sawyer.)
DOROTHY:I've got something to say to Miss Sawyer.
So, you're going to take my place. And you think you know how tough it must be for me? Do you really? I'm not so sure. Ever since I was a tiny little girl and saw my first Julian Marsh show I've dreamed of the day when I might work with the King of Broadway. And, my day had finally come, and I was filled with pride, joy and humility. Not to mention my happiness at a contract with a limousine, a redecorated dressing room, a private maid, and quite a hefty salary. When I started out for the theatre this afternoon, I wanted to tear your heart out. I wanted to hate you, I wanted to see you fail. You, singing my songs, wearing my costumes, playing my role! But sitting there in that theatre and watching you rehearse, I found I couldn't hate you... Because... you're good. Maybe even better than I would have been. The public wants youth, freshness, beauty, and Peggy, that's what you've got. Only I'm getting something too.
For ten years the theatre has kept me from the only thing I've ever wanted. And it was a broken ankle that finally made me realize it. Pat Denning and I were married this morning! I have only one last wish for you, my dear. Get out there and be so swell you'll make me hate you.
Oh, and Sawyer, one more thing. I hope you won't mind, but it's about the next-to-closing number. You've got to take it easy, you've got to let the audience come to you.

A Girl's Guide to Chaos

(Downtown New York, the 1980s. Cynthia contemplates her future, just after catching her ex-boyfriend and her best friend, making out in her kitchen.)
CYNTHIA: The realization hits me heavily, like a .44 Magnum smashing into my skull. My heart starts beating with a quick dread and my blood freezes in my veins. My stomach does backflips. The ordeal I am about to face is one of the most chilling, grisly, and macabre experiences known to woman.
Dating. I will have to start dating again.
Please, God, no, don't make me do it! I'll be good from now on, I promise! I'll stop feeding the dog hashish! I'll be kind, thoughtful, sober, industrious, anything. But please, God, not the ultimate torture of dating.
That's why I stayed with him for so long, probably. I couldn't stand going through it all again. Sure, he might be a trifle wild and intractable, I kept telling myself, but at least I know I'll get laid tonight, and tomorrow night. At least someone will go to the movies with me and not try to hold my hand.
Hand-holding. The WORST thing about dating. It's the most nerve-wrecking experience! Once I start holding hands, I'm afraid to stop. If I pull my hand away, will he think I'm being cold, or moody? Should I squeeze his hand and kind of wiggle my fingers around suggestively? Or is that too forward? What if my hand is clammy? A clammy hand is more offensive than bad breath or right-wing politics! A clammy hand means you're a lousy lay! Everybody knows that!
And what, dear spiteful God, will I wear?

Angels in America

BELIZE: You know what your problem is, Louis? Your problem is that you are so full of piping hot crap that the mention of your name draws flies.
Up in the air, just like that angel, too far off the earth to pick out the details. Louis and his Big Ideas. Big Ideas are all you love. "America" is what Louis loves. Well I hate America, Louis. I hate this country. It's just big ideas, and stories, and people dying, and people like you.
The cracker who wrote the national anthem knew what he was doing. He set the word "free" to a note so high nobody can reach it. That was deliberate. Nothing on earth sounds less like freedom to me.
You come with me to room 1013 over at the hospital, I'll show you America. Terminal, crazy, and mean.
I live in America, Louis, that's hard enough, I don't have to love it. You do that. Everybody's got to love something.

Little Shop of Horrors

(Audrey - the girl, not the plant - has lived her entire life in Skid Row, and dated a bunch of guys who have abused her. and here she speaks of what she has always wanted from life. )
AUDREY: I dream of a place where we could be together at last... It's just a daydream of mine. A little development that I dream of. Just off the interstate in a little suburb, far, far from urban Skid Row. The sweetest, greenest place - where everybody has the same little lawn out front and the same little flagstone patio out back. And all the houses are so neat and pretty... 'Cause they all look just alike. Oh, I dream about it all the time. Just me. And the toaster. And a sweet little guy - like Seymour...

Alice in Wonderland

ALICE: [Angrily] Why, how impolite of him. I asked him a civil question, and he pretended not to hear me. That's not at all nice. [Calling after him] I say, Mr. White Rabbit, where are you going? Hmmm. He won't answer me. And I do so want to know what he is late for. I wonder if I might follow him. Why not? There's no rule that I mayn't go where I please. I--I will follow him. Wait for me, Mr. White Rabbit. I'm coming, too! [Falling] How curious. I never realized that rabbit holes were so dark . . . and so long . . . and so empty. I believe I have been falling for five minutes, and I still can't see the bottom! Hmph! After such a fall as this, I shall think nothing of tumbling downstairs. How brave they'll all think me at home. Why, I wouldn't say anything about it even if I fell off the top of the house! I wonder how many miles I've fallen by this time. I must be getting somewhere near the center of the earth. I wonder if I shall fall right through the earth! How funny that would be. Oh, I think I see the bottom. Yes, I'm sure I see the bottom. I shall hit the bottom, hit it very hard, and oh, how it will hurt!

A Woman of no Importance

MRS. ALLONBY: The Ideal Man! Oh, the Ideal Man should talk to us as if we were goddesses, and treat us as if we were children. He should refuse all our serious requests, and gratify every one of our whims. He should encourage us to have caprices, and forbid us to have missions. He should always say much more than he means, and always mean much more than he says. He should never run down other pretty women. That would show he had no taste, or make one suspect that he had too much. No; he should be nice about them all, but say that somehow they don't attract him. If we ask him a question about anything, he should give us an answer all about ourselves. He should invariably praise us for whatever qualities he knows we haven't got. But he should be pitiless, quite pitiless, in reproaching us for the virtues that we have never dreamed of possessing. He should never believe that we know the use of useful things. That would be unforgivable. But he should shower on us everything we don't want. He should persistently compromise us in public, and treat us with absolute respect when we are alone. And yet he should be always ready to have a perfectly terrible scene, whenever we want one, and to become miserable, absolutely miserable, at a moment's notice, and to overwhelm us with just reproaches in less than twenty minutes, and to be positively violent at the end of half an hour, and to leave us for ever at a quarter to eight, when we have to go and dress for dinner. And when, after that, one has seen him for really the last time, and he has refused to take back the little things he has given one, and promised never to communicate with one again, or to write one any foolish letters, he should be perfectly broken-hearted, and telegraph to one all day long, and send one little notes every half-hour by a private hansom, and dine quite alone at the club, so that every one should know how unhappy he was. And after a whole dreadful week, during which one has gone about everywhere with one's husband, just to show how absolutely lonely one was, he may be given a third last parting, in the evening, and then, if his conduct has been quite irreproachable, and one has behaved really badly to him, he should be allowed to admit that he has been entirely in the wrong, and when he has admitted that, it becomes a woman's duty to forgive, and one can do it all over again from the beginning, with variations.

Beauty IS a Beast

A whole play for children.
Cast of Characters
PRINCESS Beauty: (f) A spoiled princess who learns a lesson
HONOR: (f) Beauty’s kind sister
NICK: (m) A young strong peasant who meets Beauty
FAIRY: (f) Beauty’s fairy godmother
ANDRES: (m) A blind prince from a neighboring kingdom
*JANIE: (f) Nick’s sister
SCRIBE: (m/f) A royal servant
KING (or QUEEN): (m/f) Beauty and Honor’s father (or mother)
*TUTOR: (m/f) Beauty’s tutor who has trouble tutoring her
*GUARD: (m/f) A guard who makes Beauty’s life difficult

*NICK’s brothers and sisters: PETER, PATTY, CINDY, JIMMY, SAM, and MANDY

*PEASANTS with speaking roles: JILL, MEG, MAY, MARY, SARAH, TIM, JO, MOLLY, JOHN, SALLY, LADY

There are also numerous non-speaking parts: GUARDS, PEASANTS, PARTYGOERS, SERVANTS, CHILDREN

*Parts that can be doubled. The following are some suggested ways of doubling parts:
Guard/Peter
Janie/Tutor
Jo/Joe/Jill/Lady
Sarah/Sally/Cindy
Mary/Meg/Patty
Peter/Tim/Mayor(May)/John
Sam/Jimmy/Bill

This play can be performed with as few as 15 actors or with as many as desired.

Time and Place
The Kingdom of Callentine

Once upon a time…


INTRODUCTION

(A single light comes up on the Fairy)
FAIRY: Now how is this story supposed to start. Let’s see… Oh, yes. Once upon a time there was a princess named Beauty who was lovelier than anyone else in the entire kingdom. But wait, that’s not really when the story started. It really started long ago, in a land far, far away… when Beauty was just a baby. Perhaps I should start by saying twice upon a time… Anyway… There was a royal family… the royal family of Callentine who had brought peace to their kingdom and led everyone out of the Dark Ages… by inventing the light bulb. Just kidding. They were kind and fair rulers who did what was best for the people. As a reward for their good deeds, I decided to make their newborn daughter the most beautiful person in the world. But as you will soon see, making Beauty that way was a big mistake.
(FAIRY snaps her fingers and lights go to black)

SCENE 1

(Lights come up on a medieval village. A castle rises [C] above the peasants’ homes [L, R]. Villagers wander, going about their business. Two stop when they see the beautiful PRINCESS)

SARAH: Isn’t she the most beautiful thing you have ever seen?

MARY: She is a vision of perfection.
(The PRINCESS notices them talking about her)

SARAH: Her parents must have been truly good to receive such a treasure.

PRINCESS: (Angry) What are you two staring at?

MARY: (Nervous) We were just…

PRINCESS: (Mocks her) “You were just” what? Staring? Gawking? Why don’t you go somewhere and mind your own business?

SARAH: Forgive us, Princess.

MARY: We didn’t mean to offend you. We humbly beg forgiveness.
(SARAH and MARY rush away nervously)

PRINCESS: Yeah, well forgive this.
(She throws stones at them)
Ha! Got them.
(Laughs)
That’ll teach them.

TUTOR: (He comes from castle) Must you treat the peasants that way?

PRINCESS: (Pulls his long beard) I must!

TUTOR: Can’t you behave like a lady?

PRINCESS: I will, if you will! (Laughs)

TUTOR: Quit acting like such a beast!

PRINCESS: Don’t call me names or I’ll have Daddy chop off your head like he did to the rest of my tutors.

TUTOR: I meant it in the kindest way.
(She smiles at his change in tone. She throws another stone at a passing peasant)
I’m just worried about you. You don’t seem to care for anyone or anything. Someday you’ll insult the wrong person and you’ll be sorry.

PRINCESS: No, it’s them who will be sorry. Guards!
(GUARDS appear and she points to TUTOR)
Take him away.

TUTOR: What? What did I do?

PRINCESS: He bores me. Off with his head.
(Laughs as the GUARDS drag him off screaming)
So what is on my schedule today?
(She snaps her fingers and a SCRIBE appears in a hurry)

SCRIBE: (Nervously struggling to hold on to numerous scrolls in his arms) Yes, Princess?

PRINCESS: (Knocks all the scrolls out of his arms) Read me my schedule.

SCRIBE: (Scrambles to find the right scroll on the ground) Well, you have a hair appointment at 9, a dress fitting at 10, a…

PRINCESS: Enough! I want to have a party instead.

SCRIBE: But Princess…

PRINCESS: BUT WHAT?
(PEASANTS stop to see what is going on)

SCRIBE: But of course… I’ll go arrange it immediately.

PRINCESS: Good scribe. (Pats him on the head) You always keep your head about you.

SCRIBE: Yes, quite. (EXITS)
PRINCESS: (To PEASANTS) What are you staring at?
(They scrabble away)

HONOR: (ENTERS) Hello, sister. How are you this fair day?

PRINCESS: Are you really that nice or are you just pretending?

HONOR: What ever do you mean good sister?

PRINCESS: You’re always so sweet. Don’t you ever get sick of being sweet?

HONOR: (Laughs) Oh, sister, you always speak in such strange riddles. You always make me laugh.

PRINCESS: And you always make me sick.

HONOR: Where is your fair scribe off to?

PRINCESS: He is preparing a party.

HONOR: Oh, dear.

PRINCESS: Oh, dear, what?

HONOR: I already had a party planned.

PRINCESS: You? You never have parties. You’re not the popular one.

HONOR: I know. I thought it was a silly idea too, but father insisted.

PRINCESS: Whatever for?

HONOR: Well… uh…
(Blushes)

PRINCESS: Well… uh… WHAT?

HONOR: You see… uh…

PRINCESS: Out with it, girl!

HONOR: There’s this prince…

PRINCESS: What prince?

HONOR: Prince Andres of Acrime.

PRINCESS: Never heard of him.

HONOR: He is soon to be the king of Acrime.

PRINCESS: Acrime? Where the devil is that?

HONOR: Sister? Did you not learn your geography lessons?

PRINCESS: Who cares about stupid geography?
HONOR: Well, Acrime is the large kingdom East of here. Daddy says the kingdom is larger than ours.

PRINCESS: Larger than ours?! Impossible.

HONOR: You’re probably right.

PRINCESS: So why are you having a party for this prince?
(HONOR blushes and is silent)
Oh, I know! The party is for me! So I can meet Andres. And I spoiled the surprise. How horrible of me. Well, I will be sufficiently surprised when you introduce me.

HONOR: Well, actually…

PRINCESS: I know you don’t want me to lie but it isn’t really lying. We wouldn’t want to disappoint father.

HONOR: But…

PRINCESS: I must hurry and get on my most lovely dress. I want to look my best for our guest. Not that I don’t always look my best. I know one can’t improve on perfect beauty, but I shall try.
(PRINCESS exits happily)

HONOR: (Sad) Actually, the party was for me.
(EXITS. FAIRY appears)

FAIRY: Ahhh. Poor Honor. That girl has put up with so much. Beauty has always treated her so badly, but Honor continues to be as kind as ever. I must do something for Honor. I must reward her for her goodness in some way. Maybe I could give her a golden

brush… a magic mirror… Oh, I know….
(Snaps her fingers)
How about a handsome prince?
(ANDRES walks in. Stands proudly)
Yes, that should do nicely. That will infuriate Beauty for sure.
(Thinks)
But how can I keep Beauty from stealing him? Oh, I know.
(Snaps her fingers and ANDRES stumbles and waves his arms around)
I’ll make him blind. That will protect him from Beauty’s powers.
(FAIRY disappears. PEASANTS go about their business until they see ANDRES)

SAM: Look! Over there. A stranger.

JANIE: He looks like a prince.

MEG: That’s Prince Andres of Acrime.

TIM: He’s rich.

JO: And powerful.

SAM: He must be here to see our Princess Beauty.

JANIE: Or maybe he’s here to see her sister, Honor.

MEG: But Beauty is so much prettier.

TIM: But Honor is so much nicer.

JO: Maybe he’s here to see us.

SAM: Dream on.

ANDRES: Good peasants.
(ANDRES is guided by servants because of his blindness)

JANIE: Hello, good prince.

ANDRES: Is this the castle of the fair princess of Callentine?

MEG: Maybe. Which princess?

ANDRES: Oh, yes. There is more than one.

TIM: Beauty and Honor.

ANDRES: Yes. This is the castle I seek. Thank you good people.
(He tosses them gold coins)

JO: Thank you good sir!
(ANDRES exits with servants)

SAM: But he never said whom he was coming for.

MEG: I’m sure we’ll find out. No one can ever keep a secret in this kingdom.

JANIE: Why are you looking at me?

TIM: Come, we’re late for the party.
(THEY all rush off to the party and FAIRY reappears)

FAIRY: I just love a party. They might as well call it a surprise party because Beauty is going to get the surprise of her life.
(Smiles)
And she ain’t gonna like it one bit.
(Snaps her fingers and lights go black)

SCENE 2: PARTY

(Many people are attending the party. Everyone is in fancy costumes and dances to the music. HONOR and the KING join in. BEAUTY hangs back and looks pretty)

HONOR: (After dancing) Come dance the next dance, sister.

PRINCESS: I don’t want to mess up my dress.

HONOR: But it’s so fun.

PRINCESS: There are some things more important than having fun.

HONOR: Like what?

PRINCESS: Go and enjoy yourself. I’ll wait here for the prince to arrive.

HONOR: He already has.

PRINCESS: What? And he didn’t say hi to me yet. Hasn’t he spotted my absolute beauty? Hasn’t he seen how radiant I am today?

HONOR: Uh… Beauty.

PRINCESS: What?

HONOR: He hasn’t seen anything.

PRINCESS: What do you mean?

HONOR: He’s blind.

PRINCESS: Blind? You mean he can’t see?

HONOR: I’m afraid not.

PRINCESS: He can’t even see my beautiful new dress?

HONOR: I’m sorry.

PRINCESS: (Nervous) Then… then I’ll have to go talk to him.

HONOR: That would be a lovely idea.

PRINCESS: Yes, talk. I can do that.

HONOR: Come. I’ll introduce you.

PRINCESS: Yes, yes. Okay. Just give me a minute.

HONOR: I’ll bring him over.
(HONOR goes to get ANDRES)

PRINCESS: Oh, dear. What am I going to say? What can we
talk about? “What do you think of my hair?” No, I can’t say that. “What do you think of my shoes?” No, that won’t work either. What shall I do?

HONOR: (Brings over ANDRES) Andres. This is my sister, Beauty.

(ANDRES holds out his hand. PRINCESS reluctantly reaches out her hand. ANDRES takes her hand)

ANDRES: It is a pleasure to meet you.
(He kisses her hand)

PRINCESS: So good to meet you too.
(Silence)
Uh, so. How do you like my… I mean… how do you like…

ANDRES: The party?

PRINCESS: Yes.

ANDRES: It’s wonderful. Especially the music. I love the music.

PRINCESS: I hadn’t noticed.

ANDRES: It’s delightful.
(Silence)

PRINCESS: Well, guess you want to run along.

ANDRES: Honor did say she was going to give me a tour of the kingdom after the party. I’m looking forward to it.

PRINCESS: You are?

HONOR: It’s such a beautiful day outside. It should be lovely.

ANDRES: Your sister has been so kind to me. I wish I’d heard about your kingdom years ago.

PRINCESS: (Insincere) Yes, me too.

HONOR: Come, Andres. Let’s have one more dance.

PRINCESS: You can dance?

ANDRES: Well, not really.

HONOR: But I can’t either, so we make perfect partners.

ANDRES: We do!

PRINCESS: Yes, I guess you do.
(Another dance begins and HONOR and ANDRES join in. PRINCESS watches unhappily)
Some sister Honor is. She goes and steals my prince.

PRINCESS: Well, I’ll show her. When I’m declared Queen of the Ball, as usual, then Andres will realize who the best princess is.

KING: Attention everyone! Attention!
(Everyone gathers around)
We now must crown the Queen of the Ball.
(PRINCESS crosses to her father proudly)
And for the first time, the voting was unanimous. The envelope please.
(SCRIBE brings envelope)
And the winner is… Princess Honor.
(HONOR is shocked, as is PRINCESS. ANDRES cheers, as do the PEOPLE)

PEOPLE and ANDRES: Hip-hip hurray! Hip-hip hurray.
(HONOR is crowned and given flowers. She is embarrassed)

HONOR: This is such a special day for me. I will remember this always.

KING: As our Queen of the Ball, you have the opportunity to make one royal decree.

PRINCESS: (to a nearby person) No one can top my last one: a chance to vote on which dress I look best in. I spent a whole day modeling my dresses. What a chore.

HONOR: As Queen of the Ball, I decree that tomorrow will be a holiday.

PEOPLE: No work! Hurray.

HONOR: And we will have a feast for ALL the people of our kingdom. Rich and poor.

PEOPLE: Hurray!

HONOR: And…

PRINCESS: She’s only allowed one thing. That’s two.
(She is totally ignored)

HONOR: We… we…
(HONOR is totally embarrassed. ANDRES steps forward)

ANDRES: Tomorrow we will have a wedding. Honor has agreed to marry me.

PRINCESS: What?

PEOPLE: Hip-hip hurray! Hip-hip hurray!
(PEOPLE crowd around ANDRES and HONOR and they all hurry off stage excitedly. SERVANTS linger, cleaning up)

PRINCESS: I can’t believe this. They didn’t even notice me today. I might as well be invisible.
(FAIRY godmother appears)

FAIRY: That can be arranged.
(She taps PRINCESS with her wand.)

PRINCESS: Hey! What did you just do?

FAIRY: I made you invisible.

PRINCESS: You did?

FAIRY: I did. You have been the center of attention for too long. It’s time you learned what it’s like not to be noticed.

PRINCESS: Who do you think you are?

FAIRY: I’m your fairy godmother.

PRINCESS: Aren’t you supposed to be nice to me?

FAIRY: I was once. I’m the one who made you beautiful when you were a baby. Now I’m here to correct my error.

PRINCESS: Error. That was no error.

FAIRY: It was Beauty. You may be lovely on the outside but you
are ugly on the inside.

PRINCESS: How dare you call me ugly!

FAIRY: You must stay invisible until you learn…

PRINCESS: Invisible huh? This could be fun.
(She kicks a servant who thinks its another one. They get in a fight as a result)
Oh, how lovely.
(She pulls another servant’s hair)

FAIRY: Oh, dear.
(PRINCESS picks up something and makes it float around)

MOLLY: It’s a ghost.
(SERVANTS scream and run out)

PRINCESS: This is great!

FAIRY: Maybe I need to rethink this.
(Zaps PRINCESS and she freezes)
Perhaps there is another way.
(She waves her wand)
Zippidy – wippidy – mippidy – do. You pick on servants and now they will pick on you!
(PRINCESS collapses and BLACKOUT)





SCENE 3

(KING, HONOR, and ANDRES gather to talk to the SCRIBE)

KING: This is dreadful. Are you sure she is nowhere to be found?

SCRIBE: I’m sorry, my king. We have looked everywhere. She has just disappeared.

HONOR: This is all my fault.

ANDRES: No, it isn’t.

HONOR: Yes, I never should have hosted that ball. Beauty is the one who always has them. It’s terrible of me to take that from her. She must be so mad at me.

KING: You are just as able to have parties as she is. She has no right to be upset about that.

HONOR: I must find her and talk to her. She must be devastated.

ANDRES: We will search everywhere for her, my princess. We won’t stop until we find her.

KING: (To the SCRIBE)
Gather every available person. The search must begin immediately. A hundred pieces of gold to the one that finds her.

SCRIBE: Yes, my king.

(They all depart)

FAIRY: This is all going according to my plan. Yes, I have a plan, believe it or not. You think I’m making this up as I go along, don’t you? Well, you’ll see. This story will have a happy ending. I’ll bet my wand on it. Now, to check on Beauty.
(Snaps fingers and blackout)

SCENE 4

(Outside the castle there is a strong man contest going on.
Different people compete, trying the lift various objects)

MAYOR: Now we’re down to two men. Nick and Joe. Joe will go first.

JOE: No problem.
(Crowd cheers him on. He strains and doesn’t pick up the object)

MAYOR: Now you, Nick.

NICK: I’ll give it a try.
(Tries to lift it. Strains. Then does. Crowd goes wild)

MAYOR: Nick is the winner!
(Girls wave to him and blow kisses. Guys pat him on the back and shake his hand)

NICK: Thank you everyone. You are too kind.

MAYOR: And your prize.
(Hands over bag)

NICK: Five pieces of gold! That will feed my whole family for a month.

MAYOR: Congratulations.

NICK: Wow!

JILL: That’s quite a prize.

NICK: You can say that again.

JILL: Do you need someone to help you spend it?

NICK: I plan using this to feed all my brothers and sisters.

JILL: Oh, you’re no fun. Come on. Live a little. Let’s throw a party.

NICK: I’m not going to waste this money on some silly party.

JILL: I’ll dance every dance with you. I won’t leave your side.

NICK: No, Jill. Forget it. I’d rather feed my family a month, then play for a day.

JILL: Would you do it for a kiss?

NICK: Good-bye, Jill.

JILL: Fine. Be that way. There are a million boys that like me.
I’ll go dance with one of them.

NICK: You do that.
MAYOR: Jill certainly is a beautiful girl, Nick. How come you don’t like her?

NICK: She doesn’t understand how important this money is to my family.

MAYOR: I must say I admire you, my boy. Not many young men your age would give up everything for a bunch of little orphan kids.

NICK: As far as I know I haven’t given up anything for them. My family and I have food, clothes, and a roof over our heads. What more could anyone want?

MAYOR: You got me there. Come, I want to introduce you to some friends of mine.

(MAYOR and NICK exit. PRINCESS enters in rags. She is completely messed up. She is dizzy and confused)

PRINCESS: Where am I?

MEG: Who are you?

PRINCESS: I’m Beauty.

JOHN: That’s a funny name.

PRINCESS: What’s so funny about it?

SALLY: Well, you’re not exactly…
(NICK enters and notices the PRINCESS is upset)


PRINCESS: (Notices her clothing)
Oh, what happened? Where are my lovely dresses? Who did this to me?
(Realizes)
My fairy godmother did this. Where are you? I demand you come
to me immediately.

MEG: She’s crazy.

SALLY: Let’s go, Meg.
(NICK goes up to PRINCESS)

MEG: See you later, crazy girl.

SALLY: (To MEG as they go)
They should call her Ugly, not Beauty.

BEAUTY: Yeah, well, if I weren’t so nice, I’d call you a thing or two.

NICK: What seems to be the trouble?
(PRINCESS notices how handsome NICK is)

PRINCESS: Uh… hi. I seem to have been greatly wronged and am seeking restitution.

NICK: Oh…

PRINCESS: Believe it or not, I am Princess Beauty.
(NICK tries not to laugh)
What’s so funny?

NICK: It’s just that… you look nothing like her.

PRINCESS: I know. My fairy godmother did this too me.

NICK: I thought fairy godmothers were supposed to be helpful.

PRINCESS: So did I. Where is she?
(Yells)
This isn’t funny, fairy godmother. If you don’t turn me back now, you’ll be sorry.

NICK: If you’re really Beauty, why don’t you just go home and tell them what happened? You can take a bath and get cleaned up and it will be okay.

PRINCESS: That’s an excellent idea.
(She marches up to the castle gate)
Hello, you stupid servants. Let me in. It’s Princess Beauty.
(They scramble and rush to open the door. But they stop her)
Get out of my way.

GUARD: Sorry, but you’re not Princess Beauty.

PRINCESS: I am so.

GUARD: You can’t possibly be.

PRINCESS: Step aside. I want to see my father.

GUARD: No way! Back off.

PRINCESS: Don’t touch me.
(They push her out and she lands on the ground)

GUARD: And don’t try that again or we’ll throw you in the dungeon.
PRINCESS: (Cries)
Now what am I going to do?

NICK: (Helps her up)
Do you have anywhere else to go?

PRINCESS: No. No where.

NICK: Come with me. We’ll get you cleaned up and fed. Then we’ll decide what to do.
(NICK takes PRINCESS by the hand and leads her away)

HONOR: (Comes to gate)
Have you seen any sign of my sister?

GUARD: No, Princess.

HONOR: No one else has seen her?

GUARD: Oh, sure. Lots of people have come claiming the reward your father offered. They say she’s anywhere from the stables to the moon. We even had one peasant come and claim she WAS Princess Beauty.

HONOR: Really?

GUARD: She looked nothing like her. She was all dirty and ugly.

HONOR: Didn’t you offer to help her?

GUARD: Uh, well…

HONOR: We should help all the people of our kingdom, especially those who are suffering.

GUARD: I’m very sorry, Princess. I will not error again.

HONOR: Please let us know immediately if there is any sign of Beauty.
(HONOR exits)

BILL: Hey there! I found her. I found the Princess Beauty!
(Points off L. LADY appears)

LADY: (Old and strange and dressed quite funny)
Here I am!
(They laugh as the lights fade to black. A spotlight comes up on FAIRY)

FAIRY: Well, well, well. Beauty has found herself a handsome peasant boy. A most unexpected development. A most unexpected and PLEASANT peasant development. A day or so among the “little people” might be exactly what Beauty needs to see things differently. Now for the difficult part. I must teleport all of you into Nick’s tiny home. It’s much smaller than this castle here. If you don’t mind I’ll have to shrink you down a bit. You will be no bigger than mice. You must all agree to stay in hiding though. Oh, yes and watch out for the family cat. He gets awful hungry this time of day. Everyone ready? Here we go.
(Snaps her fingers and black out)
What happened to the lights? What’s going on here? Did someone forget to pay the light bill? This is ridiculous.
(Remembers the audience. Turns on a small light)
Oh. I suppose all of you are more upset than I am about this. Now, no one panic. I’ve got everything under control.
(Her little light goes out)
I think.


SCENE 5

(NICK takes PRINCESS to his humble home. It’s a simple peasant’s home)

NICK: Here we are.

PRINCESS: (Not pleased) Oh.

NICK: What’s wrong?

PRINCESS: You live here?

NICK: That’s right. You’re used to your huge castle and all your fancy stuff.

PRINCESS: You’re making fun of me aren’t you?

NICK: I’m sorry. It’s just a little hard to believe you’re the princess.

PRINCESS: Well, I don’t care what you think. I’ll get along just fine without you.

NICK: Now, don’t be like that. You’re welcome to stay as long as you like. Aren’t you hungry?
(Holds out some bread to her)

PRINCESS: (Eyes bread) Just a little.

NICK: Then eat.
(She takes it and eats greedily)
You are hungry.

PRINCESS: Where’s that big family of yours you told me about on the way over here?

NICK: They’re probably out for their afternoon walk.
(Hears them coming)
There they are now.
(They march in happily)

PETER: Hello, Nick!

NICK: Hello, family. I have great news.

PATTY: You found a goose that lays golden eggs?

NICK: Almost as good. I won the strong man contest. I won five pieces of gold.

KIDS: WOW! Way to go.

JANIE: That’s wonderful. That can feed us for a year.

NICK: Well, maybe not a year, but it will sure help.

CINDY: (She notices PRINCESS) Who’s this, Nick?

JIMMY: Is it your girlfriend?

NICK: This is a friend in need.

SAM: What’s her name?

PRINCESS: Beauty. My name is Beauty.
(Some of the kids laugh)

JANIE: Don’t laugh. Even though she may not be beautiful on the outside, she must be beautiful on the inside. That’s the most important Beauty.

NICK: Well said, sister.

JANIE: Children. Run along and do your chores. Dinner will be ready soon.
(KIDS leave except for JANIE and NICK)

PRINCESS: If only that were true. I’m afraid I’m ugly inside and out.

JANIE: You mustn’t say that.

PRINCESS: But I am ugly on the inside. That’s why I was turned ugly on the outside too, because that’s all that was important to me.

JANIE: Come with me. Let’s fix you up and we’ll see if we can’t find that beauty again.

(JANIE and PRINCESS exit out back L. There is a knock R)

NICK: (Answers door)
Yes?

SCRIBE: I am the royal scribe. We are offering a reward for anyone who knows where Princess Beauty is. 100 pieces of gold.

NICK: 100 pieces? That’s a fortune!

SCRIBE: So if you see her…

NICK: I will let you know.

SCRIBE: Good day.

NICK: Uh, wait a minute. How do I know if it’s her?

SCRIBE: She’s the most beautiful woman in the kingdom. You can’t miss her.

NICK: But what if something happened? What if she got dirty or messed up somehow? How could you tell it was she?

SCRIBE: That’s a good question. Let me see… Oh, I know. She has a birthmark on her foot. You can’t miss it when she takes off her shoes, which she rarely does. It’s the one imperfection in her perfect beauty.

NICK: Thank you. I’ll let you know.

SCRIBE: Good day, then.

NICK: (Puts two and two together)
I wonder…
(There’s another knock at the door)
Who could that be?

JILL: Hi, Nick.

NICK: Oh, hi, Jill.

JILL: Aren’t you happy to see me?

NICK: Well…

JILL: I decided to forgive you for insulting me today.

NICK: You have, huh?

JILL: Yes, you were such a brute to me, but I can’t help myself. I still like you.

NICK: Lucky me.

JILL: So do you still want to go to the dance with me?

NICK: I already told you…

JILL: It won’t cost us anything. I hear Princess Honor is paying for everything.

NICK: Princess Honor?

JILL: It’s her wedding ball. Everyone is invited. And it’s free!

NICK: I heard it was canceled.

JILL: What?!

NICK: Princess Honor refuses to get married until Beauty is found.

JILL: Leave it to Beauty to ruin my plans. I hope they never find her.

NICK: That’s a terrible thing to say.

JILL: She’s so mean and awful. The only good thing about her is
her looks.

NICK: I’m sure she’s a good, honest person like the rest of us.

JILL: I doubt it.

NICK: So I guess we don’t have to worry about the dance now.

JILL: I guess not. Do you want to go for a walk instead?

NICK: No, thanks.

JILL: Why not?

NICK: I have company.

JILL: You always have company.

NICK: Guess you’ll be going then…

JILL: What’s his name?

NICK: Whose name?

JILL: Your guest?

NICK: You mean, her name?

JILL: It’s a “her?”

NICK: Actually, she says she’s Princess Beauty but she looks nothing like her.

JILL: So do you like her?

NICK: I just met her.

JILL: But do you like her?

NICK: There’s something about her… something special…

JILL: I can see I’m not wanted. I better go.

NICK: Please don’t be mad, Jill.

JILL: But I thought you liked me?

NICK: I do… as… a friend…

JILL: But I’m so beautiful. How could you not like me?

NICK: There are more important things than beauty…

JILL: Fine, then. Good-bye… forever.
(She runs out)

NICK: I’d be worried about her but she said the same thing to me last week.
(KIDS return)
Are you finished with your chores?
(They nod)
Are you washed up for dinner?
(They look at each other nervously)
NICK: You know the rules. No washing. No dinner.
(They reluctantly exit to wash up but stop when they see PRINCESS enter)
Wow. You look great.
(Kids nod)
What did you do, Janie?

JANIE: A little scrubbing and a nice dress did a little bit of magic.

SAM: You’re pretty.

CINDY: Nick thinks so, too.

NICK: Run along kids and wash up.
(They do)

JANIE: What’s wrong, Beauty?

PRINCESS: I don’t understand why you’ve been so kind to me.
I’ve never done anything for you. I don’t have money to give you or anything else.

NICK: We are always willing to help those in need.

JANIE: Before they died, mother and father made us promise to always help people.

NICK: Half these kids aren’t even really our brothers and sisters. They’re orphans.

JANIE: Like us.

PRINCESS: But why? You don’t owe them anything.

NICK: There’s more to life than owing people something.

JANIE: I best go out and get the stew. It’s cooking over the fire outside.

NICK: And Beauty can help serve.

PRINCESS: Serve?

NICK: Would you mind?

PRINCESS: I’ve never served anyone.

NICK: This is a good time to start.

PRINCESS: Do I have to?

JANIE: She’s our guest Nick. She shouldn’t need to.

NICK: Whatever you say.
(JANIE exits)
I can’t believe you.

PRINCESS: What?

NICK: Janie was nice enough to clean you up and give you her best dress. Now you won’t help her with dinner.

PRINCESS: But I’m a princess. We don’t serve.

NICK: You’re a spoiled brat is what you are.

PRINCESS: How dare you!

NICK: How dare you.

PRINCESS: What about you?

NICK: Huh?

PRINCESS: I don’t see you serving either.

NICK: But I’m a man.

PRINCESS: Well, who’s the spoiled brat now?

NICK: That’s different.

PRINCESS: Oh, I see. The women serve the men. That’s how it works.

NICK: It’s no worse than EVERYONE having to serve the princess.

PRINCESS: It’s a totally different thing all together.

NICK: Wait, wait. Let’s not fight. I have an idea. Why don’t we both go help Janie?

PRINCESS: I suppose that would be a good compromise.

NICK: Let’s do it.
(Kids enter as they exit)

PATTY: There go Nick and his girlfriend.

CINDY: He likes her doesn’t he?

PETER: I’ll bet he marries her.

JIMMY: He will not.

PETER: Will so.

JIMMY: Will not.
(JANIE enters with kettle, followed by PRINCESS and NICK with bowls)

PATTY: Dinner!

JANIE: Sit children and we’ll serve you.

CINDY: I want Beauty to serve me.
(PRINCESS sighs and gives a bowl to CINDY)

JIMMY: I want Beauty to serve me too.
(PRINCESS does)

PETER: Me too.

JIMMY: Me first!

PRINCESS: (Throws down a bowl)
What do I look like? A servant?

JIMMY: (Cries) She yelled at me!

PRINCESS: Oh, golly.

JANIE: (Tries to comfort him)
It’s okay, Jimmy. She didn’t mean it.

PRINCESS: Quiet! I can’t stand all that noise.
(Other kids start to cry)
Ah!

NICK: (To PRINCESS)
Now, look here. You can’t go around and yell at my family.
We’ve tried to be nice to you and look how you treat us.

PRINCESS: Fine, I’ll leave.

MANDY: (Youngest girl stops her)
Beauty. Please don’t go.

PRINCESS: I…

MANDY: You can stay. I’ll take care of you. I’ll feed you and make you pretty dresses.

PRINCESS: (Plops down and cries)
It doesn’t matter what I do. You all still like me. I don’t understand.

MANDY: It’s because you’re beautiful.

PRINCESS: Not anymore.

MANDY: I can see it inside you.

PRINCESS: (Hugs MANDY)
Thank you.

MANDY: (To NICK)
Please let her stay.

OTHER KIDS: Please.

NICK: Only if she cleans up that bowl of stew she threw down.

MANDY: I’ll do it for her.

NICK: No. Only she can do it or she needs to go.

MANDY: Please, Beauty. Please clean it up. We want you to stay.

JIMMY: I’m not mad at you. Please, don’t leave.

PRINCESS: Fine. I’ll clean it up.

KIDS: Yeah!
(PRINCESS starts to clean)

JANIE: That’s good enough.

NICK: No, she has to clean it all.
(PRINCESS continues)

PRINCESS: Hey, you know. This isn’t so bad. In fact, it’s almost fun. Give me a broom, I want to clean the rest of the room.
(CINDY gets her a broom)
This is fun.

NICK: Okay, okay. You did it. You can stop now.

PRINCESS: No, this is great. I’ve never had this kind of fun.

NICK: I’ve created a monster.
(KIDS cheer PRINCESS on as lights fade to black)

FAIRY: (A light appears on her)
And clean she did. Beauty attacked every piece of dirt like she was dueling an evil, fire-breathing dragon. “Take that, dirt. Take that!” She had never done anything as difficult, or as fun, or as wonderful. She cleaned until the sun faded in the West and she couldn’t see the end of the broom anymore. She was tired but happy… and forever transformed.

SCENE 6
(PRINCESS is sitting, her feet propped up on a chair. She is
Tired from cleaning. It is night. A candle is lit)

NICK: (Enters quietly)
You’re finally done?

PRINCESS: I even cleaned the bottom of the table.

NICK: (Looks under it)
I can’t believe it.

PRINCESS: I’ve never enjoyed myself that much before. And I’ve never been this tired.

NICK: You were incredible. It would have taken us a week to do that much cleaning. You have paid us back and more.

PRINCESS: Finally, a compliment.

NICK: I have been kind of hard on you.

PRINCESS: Kind of? I’ve never been treated so poorly.

NICK: This was definitely a day of firsts for you.

PRINCESS: You can say that again.
(She moans)

NICK: What’s wrong?

PRINCESS: My feet. They hurt so badly.

NICK: It’s those shoes. They look too small for you.

PRINCESS: Maybe so.

NICK: Can I take them off for you?

PRINCESS: No, that’s okay. I’m fine.

NICK: No, really. I’ll rub them for you.

PRINCESS: Oooh. A foot rub. How I miss those.

NICK: May I?

PRINCESS: No.

NICK: Please.

PRINCESS: Oh, I’m too tired to argue.
(He sits and she rests her feet in his lap)
I’ll have to warn you…

NICK: (Removes her shoes. He stares, stunned) The birthmark.

PRINCESS: Isn’t it ugly?

NICK: Ah… aah…
(Speechless)

PRINCESS: Nick? What’s wrong?

NICK: You’re the princess!

PRINCESS: I’ve been trying to tell you that.

NICK: (Falls on his knees) Oh, your highness. I’m so sorry.

PRINCESS: Nick, please don’t grovel. That’s why I liked you. You didn’t feel like you had to treat me that way. I’m just a normal peasant girl now.

NICK: But why?

PRINCESS: My stupid fairy godmother did this to me. Correction: My smart fairy godmother. She’s made me like cleaning.
(Yells out)
It worked, fairy godmother. It worked! I’m happy not being a beauty.
(Looks at NICK)
I never thought I could live without my beauty, but I guess I can.
(CINDY and SAM wander in unnoticed)

NICK: Who said you weren’t beautiful?

PRINCESS: I look dreadful.

NICK: I don’t think you look so bad.
(CINDY motions in other KIDS)

PRINCESS: Really?

NICK: Really. You look good enough to kiss.
(He leans in and KIDS start giggling)
What are you all doing in here? You’re supposed to be in bed.

MANDY: We wanted to see you kiss her.
(KIDS giggle)

NICK: Go back to bed.
(KIDS exit)
Sorry about that.

PRINCESS: That’s okay.

NICK: So what do we do now?

PRINCESS: I don’t know.

NICK: Should I go get the Scribe? We can show him your birthmark and then you can go home.

PRINCESS: And you can get your hundred gold pieces for
bringing me back home.

NICK: How did you know about that?

PRINCESS: Janie told me.

NICK: I don’t want any reward.

PRINCESS: You’re crazy not to take it.

NICK: I should be paying them a hundred pieces of gold for letting me spend time with you.

PRINCESS: But I’ve been terrible to you and your family.

NICK: You may have upset me at times. But there’s something about you. The way you are that makes me never want to let you go. It’s not your beauty, it’s you.

PRINCESS: Oh, Nick. (They hug)

NICK: Your fairy godmother took the beauty on the outside and put it on the inside.

PRINCESS: Thank you.

NICK: No, let’s thank your fairy godmother.
(FAIRY appears)

FAIRY: You called?

PRINCESS: There you are! I ought to…
(Grabs her)
Give you a big hug.

FAIRY: Well, this is certainly a change.

PRINCESS: I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done.

FAIRY: Perhaps I over did it a bit.

NICK: I suppose you’re going to change her back now.

FAIRY: I can and I will.

PRINCESS: No, wait. I just got used to being this way.

NICK: But don’t you want to be a princess?

PRINCESS: But if I become a princess, I can’t be with you.

NICK: You’d give all that up for me.

PRINCESS: You and your family were so good to me. You’re the first one to care for me for who I am, not what I look like. And I
feel so good. Before I just felt bad all the time.

FAIRY: Oh, what to do, what to do. Fairy godmother rules say I must change you back since you learned your lesson.

PRINCESS: Can’t you break them, just this once?

NICK: But what about your family, Beauty. They’re worried about you. If you don’t go back…

PRINCESS: Oh, my goodness. I forgot about them. How awful of me.

FAIRY: Nobody’s perfect.

PRINCESS: Especially not me.

FAIRY: What will it be, Beauty?

PRINCESS: Why can’t I have both?

FAIRY: Both?

PRINCESS: Both Nick and my family.

NICK: Beauty?

PRINCESS: Yes, Nick.

NICK: You must go home.

PRINCESS: But, Nick…

NICK: Your family needs you. I know what it’s like to lose someone you love. It leaves an emptiness in your life that you can never fill. When my parents died…

PRINCESS: If you think that’s what’s best…

NICK: I do.

PRINCESS: But I don’t want to become so mean and terrible again.

FAIRY: You can be any way you want to be now. I promise.

PRINCESS: Then I better go.

NICK: I’ll miss you, Beauty.
(Takes her hands)

PRINCESS: I’ll miss you too.

FAIRY: Ready?

PRINCESS: Ready.

FAIRY: Here we go!
(ZAP! And lights go black)

PRINCESS: It’s so dark.

FAIRY: Something’s wrong?

PRINCESS: Are we home yet?

NICK: (Runs into something)
I’m afraid not.
(There is a knock at the door)
I wonder who that is. I guess we’ll never know because I can’t
find the door.

FAIRY: Now what’s the spell for turning on lights.
(She claps her hands twice)
Clap on!
(The lights return)
That was easy.

NICK: I’ve got the door.
(Opens it)

JANIE: It’s me, Nick. I’ve brought someone.
(She leads in HONOR and the KING with SCRIBE and GUARDS)

PRINCESS: Sister! Father!
(She runs and hugs them)

KING: Beauty? Is it really you?

HONOR: What happened to you?

PRINCESS: Something wonderful.

KING: I don’t understand.

PRINCESS: I haven’t been the nicest person in the world and my fairy godmother here decided to turn me inside out.

HONOR: I’m so glad your safe.

PRINCESS: I don’t know what would have happened to me if it hadn’t been for Nick.

KING: Nick?

NICK: (On his knees)
Yes, your highness.

KING: Please rise.
(The kids all start to gather)
Hello, children.

CINDY: Are you really the king?

KING: I’m really the king.

CINDY: I don’t believe you.

NICK: Cindy, show some respect.

KING: That’s okay. She seems like a sweet girl.

PRINCESS: Thank you all for taking care of me. You’ve all been
so wonderful.

MANDY: Are you leaving us?

SAM: Please, don’t go.

NICK: She must go. She’s a princess.

PRINCESS: But… I can’t just go back to the way I was. I like
my new life.

KING: What are you saying? You don’t want to come home?

PRINCESS: I just don’t want to be who I was before. I can never
be as good as Honor.

HONOR: What do you mean?

PRINCESS: I’m still not as beautiful as you are, sister. I don’t think I ever can be.

HONOR: But you are the most beautiful woman in the kingdom.

PRINCESS: I used to think so, but not anymore. Now I think you’ve always been the most beautiful, we just couldn’t see it.

FAIRY: I can return your beauty to you now.

PRINCESS: No, I don’t think I want my beauty anymore.

NICK: I think you’re beautiful now.

PETER: Don’t change, Beauty.

PRINCESS: I don’t think I will.

HONOR: Father? Can’t we let Beauty stay here?

KING: My daughter? A peasant? Never.

HONOR: Then why don’t you get rid of the peasants.

NICK: What?!

HONOR: That sounded terrible. What I mean is why don’t you make all the peasants nobles, lords, and ladies? We can give them all some of our riches and they can all live as well as we do.

KING: I suppose we could do that.

PRINCESS: Oh, please, father.

KING: Okay. We’ll do it!

ALL: Hurray!

KING: We will open the royal treasuries. We’ll give away all our excess clothes and food. No one will ever suffer in our kingdom again!

ALL: Hurray!

KING: And we’ll start with our friends Nick and Janie.

NICK: Please, your highness. We don’t need anything. We are happy as we are.

KING: What?

JANIE: We have everything we need.

KING: But you don’t have silver plates and purple robes. You don’t have golden chairs and fuzzy slippers.

PRINCESS: All things we can live without.

HONOR: How about no more taxes?

NICK: It’s a deal.
(Shakes KING’s hand)

KING: No… no… no more taxes. Are you sure we can do that?

HONOR: Yes, father. We can. We have more money than we know what to do with and soon I’ll be married to Andres and living in his kingdom.

KING: Then who will lead my kingdom?

PRINCESS: Perhaps Nick would be willing.

NICK: Me?

PRINCESS: You could make him a prince, father.

NICK: Me?

PRINCESS: And then we could get married.

NICK and KING: Married?

KIDS: Hurray!

HONOR: I think it’s a wonderful idea!

KING: I think we’re out voted, Nick.

NICK: It looks that way.

KING: This is certainly one of the most unusual things that has ever happened in my kingdom.

PRINCESS: You can say that again.

NICK: You sure this is what you want to do, Beauty.

PRINCESS: I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.
(They hug)

HONOR: It looks like we’re going to have a double wedding!

KIDS: Hurray!

PETER: I get to be best man!

CINDY: I get to be the maid of honor.

MANDY: I want to be the flower girl.

KING: What have I gotten myself into?
(Lights fade to black)

FAIRY: (A light comes up on her. She’s sobbing happily) Wasn’t that a touching story? Oh, I’m sorry. I’m a sucker for a happy ending.
(Gets herself under control)
Things were never the same in the kingdom again. Peasants were freed from their burden of taxes and numerous holidays were declared for the upcoming weddings of Beauty to Nick and Honor to Andres. And they all lived happily ever after, of course.
(Stops as if someone has asked her a question)
Me? I’m off to Hawaii for our centennial fairy godmother convention. I heard the big island is going to blow it’s top. That will be quite a show. Almost as good as this one. Bye now!
(Snaps her fingers and lights fade to black)


END OF PLAY

Kill Bill Vol. 2

Elle Driver: Mm--I'm sorry Budd..that was rude of me wasn't it? Budd, I'd like to introduce my friend, the black mamba. Black mamba? This is Budd. You know before I picked that little fella up, I looked him up on the internet. Fascinating creature, the black mamba. Listen to this: (she reads from a small notebook) "In Africa, the saying goes 'in the bush, an elephant can kill you, a leopard can kill you, and a black mamba can kill you.' But only with the black mamba--and this has been true in africa since the dawn of time--is death sure. Hence its handle--'death incarnate.'" Pretty cool, huh? "Its neurotoxic venom is one of nature's most effective poisons, acting on the nervous system causing paralysis. The venom of a black mamba can kill a human being in four hours if, say, bitten on the ankle or the thumb, However, a bite to the face or torso can bring death from paralysis within 20 minutes." Now you should listen to this, 'cause this concerns you. "The amount of venom that can be delivered from a single bite can be gargantuan." You know I've always liked that word gargantuan? I so rarely have an opportunity to use it in a sentence. "If not treated quickly with anti-venom, ten to fifteen milligrams can be fatal to human beings. However, the black mamba can deliver as much as 100 to 400 milligrams of venom from a single bite."Now... in these last agonizing minutes of life you have left, let me answer that question you asked earlier more thoroughly. Right at this moment, the biggest "R" I feel is regret. Regret that maybe the greatest warrior I have ever met, met her end at the hands of a bush-whackin', scrub, elky piece-of-shit like you. That woman deserved better.

In & Out

Emily: I lost 75 pounds. I lost 75 pounds!
Howard: I'm a horrible person. You have every right to hate me. You should hate me. I insist that you hate me. I'm scum, I'm garbage, I'm vermin and I'm sorry.
Emily: You're sorry?! You're sorry?! After I wait for you! No, not just three years! My entire life! After I plan my future around our wedding. After I base my entire concept of self-esteem on the fact that you're willing to marry me! And you're sorry! Thank God my parents are dead, this would have killed 'em!... Are you really...gay?
Howard: Mmm-hmm.
Emily: Is there-oh- ANY OTHER TIME YOU MIGHT HAVE TOLD ME THIS! I'M WEARING A WEDDING DRESS THAT YOU PICKED OUT! I highlighted my hair because you said I needed shimmer. I loved you and believed you and pretended not to notice the Streisand thing. I thought you were just creative and I thought you were just smarter than me and more sensitive and more interesting. I just thought you were the most wonderful man that ever lived. I thought you could just change my life and show me the whole world. And teach me about art and life and magic and I thought you could make me feel like a beautiful woman instead of the girl nobody wanted.

Election

Tracy Flick: Poet Henry David Thoreau once wrote, "I cannot make my days longer, so I strive to make them better." With this election, we here at Carver also have an oppurtunity to make our high school days better. During this campaign I have had the oppurtunity to speak to many of you about your concerns. I spoke with freshman Eliza Ramirez, who told me how alienated she feels from her own homeroom. I spoke with sophomore Reggie Banks who said his mother works in the cafeteria and can't afford to buy him enough spiral notebooks for his classes. I won't bore you with long winded promises about all the new and innovative things I will definitely achieve during the year in which it will be my honor and privelege to represent each and every one of you, but I can say that my years of experience on the student council have taught me the three most important attributes the president needs to possess; committment, qualifications, and experience. I'll add one more, caring. I care about Carver and I care about each and every one of you and together we can all make a difference. One of the things I would like to establish is a regular open forum where any student can come and voice their concern about issues we face here at carver. I and the rest of the student council would then interface with the faculty and staff, so a continuous dialogue would exist. When you cast your vote for TRacy Flick next week, you won't just be voting for me. You'll be voting for yourself and for every other student. Our days won't be any longer, but they can sure be better.

When Harry Met Sally

Sally: When Joe and I first started seeing each other, we wanted exactly the same thing. We wanted to live together, but we didn't want to get married because anytime anyone we knew got married, it ruined their relationship. They practically never had sex again. It's true, it's one of the secrets no one ever tells you. I would sit around with my girlfriends who have kids well, my one girlfriend who has kids, Alice, and she would complain about how she and Gary never did it anymore. She didn't even complain about it now that I think about it. She just said it matter-of-factly. She said they were up all night, they were both exhausted, the kids just took every sexual impulse out of them. And Joe and I used to talk about it and wed say we were so lucky to have this wonderful relationship, we can have sex on the kitchen floor and not worry about the kids walking in; we can fly off to Rome on a moments notice. And then one day I was taking Alice's little girl for the afternoon because I'd promised her I'd take her to the circus and we were in the cab playing "I Spy" I spy a mailbox, I spy a lamppost and she looked out the window and she saw this man and this woman and these two little kids, and the man had one of the kids on his shoulders and Alice's little girl said, "I spy a family," and I started to cry. You know, I just started crying. And I went home and I said, "The thing is, Joe, we never do fly off to Rome on a moments notice." And that kitchen floor? Not once. It's this very cold, hard Mexican ceramic tile. Anyway, we talked about it for a long time and I said, this is what I want, and he said, well, I don't, and I said well, I guess it's over, and he left. And the thing is, I feel fine. I am over him, I mean, I really am over him. That was it for him, that was the most he could give, and every time I think about it, I am more and more convinced that I did the right thing.

When a Man Loves a Woman

Alice: Hi, I'm Alice...I'm an alcoholic. (smiles) I've been sober for 184 days. I drank my first beer beer when I was nine years old. My father was an alcoholic, so my mother liked to blame my problem on his bad example, that way she could hurt us both at once. Anyway, I liked my beer and the ones that followed. And about a year ago I got drunk...and I couldn't stop. It's never quite happened like that before, and I still don't know why. I've lied to everyone I know, everyone I loved. I was ashamed, terrified and humiliated everyday. One day I got out of the shower, grabbed a towel and decided to go get the paper. It's a good thing no one saw me go out the door or at the curb, because i went out there with the towel in my hand. I know how lucky I've been. Because there were times I drove my little girls around just ripped out of my mind. One Saturday I took my baby girl on errands and when I got home I realized she wasn't with me. I had left her somewhere. And since I couldn't remember where I'd been, I had no idea where so, I spent the next few hours calling every shop I'd ever been to, until finally, the tile guy rang my door bell. He had found my address on one of my checks. I rewarded him of course, by never going back to his store. My bottom was 184 days ago, when my little girl watched me chase asprin with vodka. And then I hit her. And when I passed out, she was alone with me. And she thought I was dead. In all my life I will never know what that did to her. But I have to forgive myself for that and I have to forgive myself for what I did to my husband. It's amazing how much you can hate yourself for being low and weak and he couldn't save me from that. So I turned it on him and I tried to empty it onto him, but there was always more, you know. When he tried to help I told him he made me feel small and worthless. But nobody makes us feel that way, we do that for ourselves. I shut him out, because I knew that if he really saw who I was on the inside...he wouldn't love me. And we're separated now. He's moved away and it was so hard not to beg him to stay. And I don't know if I'm going to get another chance, but I have to believe, that I deserve one. Because we all do.

Varsity Blues

Mox: In America we have laws,laws against killing,laws against stealing. It is accepted that as a member of American Society you will live by these laws. As a boy growing up in West Cannan Texas, you never question the sanctity of football. There is another society which has its own laws. Football is a way of life. That's me as a kid playing ball with my best friends. I'm Jonathan Moxon but most people call me "Mox." As a boy growing up in West Canaan Texas you the sanlitiy of football. You just listened to what the coaches said and tried as best as you could to win. Win At All Costs.

Raising Arizona

(Planning to steal a baby from a wealthy couple who had five babies, Hi McDonnough goes into the house while his wife Ed waits in the car. When he gets inside things don't go so easy. Babies cry and make noise, he comes back empty handed. This is where our scene begins)
Ed: What's the matter?
Hi: Sorry honey, it just didn't work out. (reaching for the car door, but Ed quickly locks)
Ed: What d' you mean it didn't work out?
Hi: They started crying, then they were all over me.... It was kinda horrifying- Lemme in honey.
Ed: Course they cried! Babies cry!
Hi: I know that now! Come on honey, we better leave-
Ed: You go right back up there and get me a toddler. I need a baby Hi. They got more n they can handle.
Hi: Aw honey I-
Ed: Don't you come back here without a baby.
(Hi goes back to get the baby while Ed waits nervously in the car. Moments later he comes back with a toddler)
Ed: Which one you get?
Hi: I dunno. Nathan Jr. I think.
Ed: Gimme here.
(Hi hands her the baby and a copy of Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care)
Hi: Here's the instructions.
Ed: OH, he's beautiful.
Hi: he's awful damn good. I think I got the best one.
Ed: I bet they were all beautiful. All babies are beautiful.
Hi: Yeah. This one's awful damn good though.
Ed: Don't cuss around him.
Hi: He's fine, he is. I think it's Nathan Jr.
Ed: We are doin the right thing aren't we, Hi? I mean they had more n they could handle.
Hi: Well now honey we've been over this and over this. There's what's right and there's what's right and the twain shall meet.
Ed: But you don't think his momma'll be upset. I mean overly?
Hi: Well, o course she'll be upset, sugar, but she'll get over it. Shes's got four little babies almost as good as this one. It's like when I was robbin convience stores....
Ed:(Bursting into tears) I love him so much!
Hi: I know you do honey!
Ed: I love him so much!
Hi: Yeah, yeah. I know.

Nacho Libre

(Nacho enters with a large pot of runny left overs)
Brother 1: What is this?
Nacho:Leftovers. Enjoy.
Brother 1: There is no flavor. there are no spices. Where are the chips?
Nacho: Somebody stole them.
Brother 1: Did you not tell them that they were the Lord's chips?
Nacho: I was trying to.
Brother 1: You are useless Ignasio.
Brother 2: Silence Brothers. (Pause) This is the worst lunch I ever had.
Brother 1: Your only job is to cook. Do you not realize I have had diaherra since Easters.
Nacho: Ok. Maybe I am not meant for these duties. Cooking duty. Dead guy (pause) Duty. Maybe it's time for me to get a better duty. (runs from the room.)

Nacho Libre

Nacho: Those guys were a couple of wusses, huh?
Esquelito: They scalped my hairs, I look hideous. And you gave them permission to hurt me like this.
Nacho: But I couldn't have anyone see my face, Steven. Come on. Tonight, I felt something deep inside of me I've never felt before. You remember that one time when everyone was shouting my name and I used my strength to rip my blouse.
Esquelito: Yeah, and I saw them knock you unconcious, alright.
(Club owner comes in and Nacho quickly covers his face with his mask. the owner tosses an envelope of money at them)
Esquelito: What's this?
Owner: It's money what do you think?
Nacho: But we lost.
Owner: We all get a piece. Listen the people they like you guys, come back next week and I'll get you another fight.

My Fair Lady

Eliza Doolittle: My aunt died of influenza, so they said. But it's my belief they done the old woman in. Yes Lord love you! Why should she die of influenza when she come through diphtheria right enough the year before? Fairly blue with it she was. They all thought she was dead. But my father, he kept ladling gin down her throat. Then she come to so sudden that she bit the bowl off the spoon. Now, what would you call a woman with that strength in her have to die of influenza, and what become of her new straw hat that should have come to me? Somebody pinched it, and what I say is, them that pinched it, done her in. Them she lived with would have killed her for a hatpin, let alone a hat. And as for father ladling the gin down her throat, it wouldn't have killed her. Not her. Gin was as mother's milk to her. Besides, he's poured so much down his own throat that he knew the good of it.

My Best Friend's Wedding

[On the phone]Jules: Hello, George.
George: Hey Gorgeous. Having a good time?
Jules: Not particularly, but I did what I came to do.
George: What, you split them up?
Jules: No, I said 'goodbye.'
George: Good girl. I'm proud of you. I'd be prouder still if you were dancing.
Jules: Oh, I have big plans for dancing. Just give me thirty, thirty- five years.
George: Oh, the misery, the exquisite tragedy...the Susan Hayward of it all. [laughs] I can just picture you sitting there alone at your table in your lavender gown...
Jules: Did I tell you my gown was lavender?
George: Hair swept up, haven't touched your cake. Probably drumming your fingernails on the white linen table cloth, the way you do when you're really feeling down. I see you looking at those nails thinking, 'God, I should have stopped in all my evil plotting to have that manicure!' But it's too late now.
Jules: George, I didn't tell you my gown was lavender.
George: Suddenly, a familiar song. Then, you're off your chair in one exquisite movement. Wondering, searching, sniffing the wind like a daffelled deer. Has God heard your little prayer? Will Cinderella dance again? And then, suddenly, the crowds part. And there he is. Sleek. Stylish. Radiant with charisma. It's only, he's on the telephone. But then, so are you. And he comes towards you, the moves of a jungle cat. And although you quite correctly sense that he is gay, like most devastatingly handsome single men of his age are, you think, 'What the hell? Life goes on.' Maybe there won't be marriage. Maybe there won't be sex. But by God, there will be dancing!

Million Dollar Baby

Maggie Fitzgerald: I can't be like this, Frankie. Not after what I've done. I've seen the world. People chanted my name. Well, not my name, some damn name you gave me. But they were chanting for me. I was in magazines. You think I ever dreamed that'd happen? I was born at two pounds, one-and-a-half ounces. Daddy used to tell me I fought into this world, and I'd fight my way out. That's all I wanna do, Frankie. I just don't wanna fight you to do it. I got what I needed. I got it all. Don't let 'em keep taking it away from me. Don't let me lie here 'till I can't hear those people chanting no more.

Million Dollar Baby

Maggie Fitzgerald: I'm 32, Mr. Dunn, and I'm here celebrating the fact that I spent another year scraping dishes and waitressing which is what I've been doing since 13, and according to you I'll be 37 before I can even throw a decent punch, which I have to admit, after working on this speed bag for a month may be the God's simple truth. Other truth is, my brother's in prison, my sister cheats on welfare by pretending one of her babies is still alive, my daddy's dead, and my momma weighs 312 pounds. If I was thinking straight I'd go back home, find a used trailer, buy a deep fryer and some Oreos. Problem is, this the only thing I ever felt good doing. If I'm too old for this then I got nothing. That enough truth to suit you?

Meet the Parents

Flight Attendant (Kali Rocha): I'm sorry, sir, you're gonna have to check that.Greg "Gaylord" Focker: I got it.
Flight Attendant: No, I'm sorry, that bag won't fit.
Greg: No, no, I'm not--hey, I'm not checking my bag, okay?
Flight Attendant: Okay, There's no need to raise your voice, sir.
Greg: I'm not raising my voice. THIS WOULD BE RAISING MY VOICE TO YOU, okay? I don't want to check my bag, okay? And, by the way, your airline? You SUCK at checking bags, okay, because I already did that once and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me, okay?
Flight Attendant: Well, I can assure you that your bag will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage...
Greg: Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Huh? Are you physically going to take my bag and put it beneath the plane? Are you going to go right now outside, with the guys with the earmuffs, and go put it in there?
Flight Attendant: No.
Greg: No? Okay, then shut your piehole and listen to me when I say that I am FINISHED with the checking-of-the-bags CONVERSATION!
Flight Attendant: Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large, we --
Greg: Okay, you know what...just take your scrubby little paws off my bag, okay? It's not like I got a bomb in here. It's not like I want to blow up the plane! I just want to stow my bag according to your safety regulations. Hey...hey, if you would just take a second, take the little sticks out of your head, clean out your ears and maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings. And all I have to do is do what I want to do and all I want to do is hold onto my bag and not listen to you. And the only way I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here right now and try to pry it from my dead lifeless fingers. If you can get it from my kung-fu grip then you can come and have it, okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.(She gasps)(We next see Greg being violently dragged from the terminal)

Mean Girls

Janis: Okay, yeah. I've got an apology. So, I have this friend who is a new student this year. And I convinced her that it would be fun to mess up Regina George's life. So I had her pretend to be friends with Regina, and then she would come to my house after and we would just laugh about all the dumb stuff Regina said. And we gave these candy bar things that would make her gain weight, and then we turned her best frinds against her. And then... Oh yeah, Cady - You know my friend Cady. She made out with her boyfriend, and we convinced him to break up with her. Oh God, and we gave her foot cream instead of face wash. (to Regina) God! I am so sorry Regina. Really, I don't know why I did this. I guess it's probably because I've got a big LESBIAN crush on you! Suck on THAT!

Mean Girls

Regina: Let me tell you something about Janis Ian. We were best friends in middle school. (makes a face) I know right, it's soooo embarrassing. I don’t even…whatever. So then in eighth grade I started going out with my first boyfriend Kyle, who was totally gorgeous but then he moved to Indiana--and Janis was like, weirdly jealous of him. Like if I would blow her off to hang out with Kyle, she'd be like "Why didn't you call me back?!" and I'd be like, "Uh, why are you so obsessed with me?" So then for my birthday party, which was an all girls pool party, I was like, "Janyce I can't invite you because I think you're a lesbian" I mean, I couldn't have a lesbian at my party! There were going to be girls there in their bathing suits! I mean right, she was a lesbian! So then her mom called my mom and started yelling at her and it was so retarded and then she dropped out of school 'cause no one would talk to her and she came back in the fall for high school and her hair was all cut off and she was totally weird and now I guess she's on crack. (gasps and turns) Oh my God! I love your skirt, where did you get it?

Mean Girls

Cady: Huh, wow, thanks, um, well, half the people in this room are mad at me and the other half only like me because they think I pushed someone in front of a bus, so that's not good. To all the people whose feelings got hurt by the burn book, I'm really sorry. You know I've never been to one of these things before and when I think about how many people wanted this, and how many people cried over it and stuff, I mean, I think everybody looks great tonight. Look at Jessica Lopez, that dress is amazing and Emma Gerber that hair do must have taken hours and you look really pretty. So why is everybody stressing over this thing? I mean it'sjust plastic, it's really just (she breaks the crown). A piece for Gretchen Wieners, a partial Spring Fling Queen. A piece for Janis Ian and a piece for Regina George, she fractured her spine and she still looks like a rockstar, and some for everybody else.

Rocky Horror Picture Show

Columbia: My God! I can't take any more of this - first you spurn me for Eddie, then you cast him off like an old overcoat for Rocky. You chew people up and spit them out - I loved you, do you hear me - I LOVED YOU - And what did it get me - I'll tell you - A big nothing. You're like a sponge. You take, take, take, take! You drain others of their love and emotions. Well, I've had enough. You've got to choose between me and Rocky - so named because of the rocks in his head.

Two Monologues from "Remember the Titans"

Coach Boone: Anybody know what this place is? This is Gettysburg. This is where they fought the battle of Gettysburg. Fifty thousand men died right here on this field, fighting the same fight that we're still fighting amongst ourselves.....today. This green field right here was painted red, bubbling with the blood of young boys. Smoke and hot lead pouring right through their bodies. Listen to their souls, man. 'I killed my brother with malice in my heart. Hatred destroyed my family.' You listen and take a lesson from the dead. If we don't come together right now, on this hallowed ground, we too will be destroyed just like they were.I don't care if you don't like each other, but you will respect each other. I don't know, maybe we'll learn to play this game like men.




Coach Boone: I'm not going to talk to you tonight about winning and losing. You're all winners because you didn't kill each other up at camp. Tonight we got Hayfield. Like all the other schools in this conference, they're all white. They don't have to worry about race. We do. But we're better for it, men. Let me tell you something -- you don't let anything, nothing come between us. Nothing tears us apart.In Greek mythology the Titans were greater even than the gods. They ruled their universe with absolute power. Well, that football field out there tonight, that's our universe. Let's rule it like Titans!

Tootsie

(George is talking on the phone as Michael enters)
George: (into phone) Hang on one second. (punches phone button; to Michael) Michael, would you wait outside, please? I'm talking to the coast.
Michael: This is a coast, too, George, New York is a coast, too.
George: (miffed) Okay. (punches button again; into phone) Sy, are you - Sy? Sy? God - (to Michael) Look what you did. (pushes other button) Margaret? Margaret, get him back, will you? I cut myself off. (hangs up phone) Now what is it, Michael?
Michael: Terry Bishop is doing "Iceman Cometh," right? Didn't you promise to send me up for that part? Am I wrong? Didn't you tell me I was gonna - I was gonna get a reading for that part
George: Michael -
Michael: Aren't you my agent?
George: Stuart Pressman wants a name, Michael.
Michael: Oh, I see, Terry Bishop is a name.
George: No no no, Michael Dorsey is a name; when you want to send a steak back, Michael Dorsey is a name.
Michael: (quietly fuming, turns to leave) Okay.
George: Wait wait wait wait! I'm s- you always do this to me, Michael. It was a rotten thing to say and I know it - let me start all over again. Terry Bishop is on a soap opera. Millions of people watch him every day. He's known.
Michael: And that qualifies him to ruin "Iceman Cometh"?
George: I'm not gonna have this conversation.
Michael: (overlapping) You know I can act circles around that guy? I already played that part in Minneapolis?
George: Stuart Pressman wants a name, that's his affair, okay? I know this is gonna disgust you, Michael, but a lotta people are in this business to make money.
Michael: Oh, don't make me out like I'm some flake, George! I am in this business to make money, too!
George: Really?
Michael: Yes!
George: The Harlem Theatre for the Blind? Strindberg in the Park? The People's Workshop at Syracuse?
Michael: Okay, now wait a minute, I did nine plays in eight months up at Syracuse, I happened to get *great* reviews from the New York critics - not that that's why I did it...
George: Of course not; God forbid you should lose your standing as a cult failure.
Michael: You think I'm a failure, George? Is that what you're saying to me -
George: I will not get sucked into this conversation, Michael. I will not.
Michael: Okay, look, I sent you a play to read that my roommate wrote. It had a great part in it for me. Did you read it?
George: Where do you come off sending me your roommate's play for you to star in? I'm your agent, not your mother! I'm not supposed to find plays for you to star in - I'm supposed to field offers! And that's what I do!
Michael: "Field offers?" Who told you that, the Agent Fairy? That was a significant piece of work; I could've been terrific in that part.
George: Michael, nobody's gonna do that play.
Michael: Why?
George: Because it's a downer, that's why. Because nobody wants to produce a play about a couple that moved back to Love Canal.
Michael: But that actually happened!
George: WHO GIVES A SHIT? Nobody wants to pay twenty dollars to watch people living next to chemical waste! They can see that in New Jersey!
Michael: Look, I don't wanna argue about it, okay? I'm gonna raise the eight thousand dollars myself so I can produce his play, and I want you to send me up for *anything* - I don't care what it is! I will do dog commercials on television! I will do radio voice-overs!
George: Michael, I can't put you up for any of that.
Michael: Why not?
George: Because no one will hire you.
Michael: Oh, that's not true, man! I bust my ass to get a part right, and you know I do!
George: Yes, and you bust everybody else's ass, too, that's what you do! A guy's got four weeks to put on a play - you think he wants to sit and argue about whether or not Tolstoy can - can walk when he's dying, or walk when he's talking, or sing when he's walking -
Michael: Oh, please, that was *two* years ago, and that guy is an *idiot*, and -
George: They can't all be idiots, Michael - you argue with everybody! You've got one of the worst reputations in this town, Michael! Nobody will hire you.
Michael: (slowly, as he processes this) Are you saying that nobody in New York will work with me?
George: Oh no, that's too limited. Nobody in *Hollywood* wants to work with you, either. I can't even send you up for a commercial - you played a *tomato* for thirty seconds, they went a half a day over schedule 'cause you wouldn't sit down.
Michael: Yes. It wasn't logical.
George: YOU WERE A TOMATO! A tomato doesn't have logic! A tomato can't move!
Michael: (worked up) That's what I said, so if he can't move, how's he gonna sit down, George? I was a stand-up tomato, a juicy, sexy beefsteak tomato! Nobody does vegetables like me! I did an evening of vegetables Off-Broadway! I did the best tomato, the best cucumber - I did an *endive salad* that knocked the critics on their ass!
George: (at the end of his rope) Michael, I-I'm trying to stay calm here. You, uh - are a wonderful actor.
Michael: (sulking): Thank you.
George: But you're too much trouble. Get some therapy.
Michael: (quiet, stubborn) Okay, thanks. I'm gonna raise eight thousand dollars, and I'm gonna do Jeff's play.
George: Michael? You're not gonna raise twenty-five cents! No one will hire you.(Slight pause.)Michael: Oh yeah?

Tommy Boy

Waitress (Maria Vacratsis): Kitchen's closed.
Tommy: Okay, I'll Just have a sugar packet or two. Hey, whats your name?
Waitress: Helen.
Tommy: That's nice, you look like a Helen. Helen, we're both in sales, let me tell you why I suck as a salesman. Lets say I go into someguy's office and lets say he's even remotely intrested in buyin' something. Well then I get all excited, I'm like JoJo, the Indian circus boy with a pretty new pet. The pet is my possible sale. Oh, my pretty little pet, I love you. So, I stroke it, and I pet it, and I massage it. Hehe, I love it, I love my little naughty pet, you're naughty! And then I take my naughty pet and I go (tears dinner roll apart) chhhhhhhh, chhhhhhhhh, OOOOHHHHHHH. I KILLED IT! I KILLED MY SALE! That's when I blow it. That's when people like us have got to forge ahead, Helen. Am I right?

Taxi Driver

(The anonymous passenger, which was not originally supposed to be played by Scorsese, smiles to himself and laughs disturbingly, throughout this monologue)
Passenger: You see the woman in the window? (pointing to a window where we see a woman's shadow) Do you see the woman in the window?...I want you to see that woman, because that's my wife. That's not my apartment. That's not my apartment. You know who lives there? Huh? I mean, you wouldn't know who lives there - I'm just saying, but you know who lives there? Huh? A nigger lives there. How do ya like that? And I'm gonna, I'm gonna kill him...What do you think of that? Hmm? I said 'What do you think of that?' Don't answer. You don't have to answer everything. I'm gonna kill her. I'm gonna kill her with a .44 Magnum pistol. A .44 Magnum pistol. I'm gonna kill her with that gun. Did you ever see what a .44 Magnum pistol can do to a woman's face? I mean it will fuckin' destroy it. Just blow her right apart. That's what it will do to her face. Now, did you ever see what it can do to a woman's pussy? That you should see. That you should see what a .44 Magnum's gonna do to a woman's pussy you should see. I know, I know you must think that I'm, you know, you must think I'm pretty sick or somethin', you know, you must think I'm pretty sick. Right? You must think I'm pretty sick? Hmm? Right? I'll betcha, I'll betcha you really think I'm sick right? You think I'm sick? You think I'm sick? You don't have to answer that. I'm payin' for the ride. You don't have to answer that. (the scene fades to black with the man mumbling quietly)

The Witches of Eastwick

Alex: Are you trying to seduce me? Well, I have to admit that I appreciate your directness, Darryl, and I will try to be as direct and honest with you as I possibly can be. I think-no, I am positive-that you are the most unattractive man I have ever met in my entire life. You know, in the short time we've been together you have demonstrated every loathsome characteristic of the male personality and even discovered a few new ones. You are physically repulsive, intellectually retarded, you're morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humor, and you smell. You're not even interesting enough to make me sick. Goodbye, Darryl, and thank you for a lovely lunch.

Les Miserables

Marius: We can't strike. Why not? Because it's against the law to strike! The king has declared that everything is a crime. Writing is a crime. Two weeks ago, the police destroyed the Galaty, the worker's newspaper. They smashed the press. They burned over two thousand newspapers but that didn't satisfy the king. Three days ago at a student meeting, a peaceful meeting, soldiers broke it up and arrested two of my friends. Writing, talking, going to class, speaking out is a crime. Being poor is a crime. Being poor is the worst crime of all. And if you commit these crimes, you are condemned for life. Our government has no mercy, no pity, no forgiveness. And there's no work for us. And because there's no work, our children are starving. Tell me: why are we powerless to save the people we love? All of you know. Tell me - why? The king betrayed us. We were promised the vote, do we have it? Do we have the vote? Where is the republic our fathers died for? It's here my brothers. It lives here in our heads. But most of all, best of all, it's here in our hearts. In our hearts - WE ARE THE REPUBLIC!