Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

Jefferson Smith: Just get up off the ground, that's all I ask. Get up there with that lady that's up on top of this Capitol dome, that lady that stands for liberty. Take a look at this country through her eyes if you really want to see something. And you won't just see scenery; you'll see the whole parade of what Man's carved out for himself, after centuries of fighting. Fighting for something better than just jungle law, fighting so as he can stand on his own two feet, free and decent, like he was created, no matter what his race, color, or creed. That's what you'd see. There's no place out there for graft, or greed, or lies, or compromise with human liberties. And, uh, if that's what the grownups have done with this world that was given to them, then we'd better get those boys' camps started fast and see what the kids can do. And it's not too late, because this country is bigger than the Taylors, or you, or me, or anything else. Great principles don't get lost once they come to light. They're right here; you just have to see them again!

The Princess Bride

Buttercup: I love you, I know this must come as something of a surprise, since all I've ever done is scorn you and degrade you and taunt you, but I have loved you for several hours now, and every second, more. I thought an hour ago that I loved you more than any woman has ever loved a man, but a half hour after that I knew that what I felt before was nothing compared to what I felt then. But ten minutes after that, I understood that my previous love was a puddle compared to the high seas before a storm. Your eyes are like that, did you know? Well they are. How many minutes ago was I? Twenty? Had I brought my feelings up to then? It doesn't matter. I love you so much more now than twenty minutes ago that there cannot be comparison. I love you so much more now than when you opened your hovel door, there cannot be comparison. There is no room in my body for anything but you. My arms love you, my ears adore you, my knees shake with blind affection. My mind begs you to ask it something so it can obey. Do you want me to follow you for the rest of your days? I will do that. Do you want me to crawl? I will crawl. I will be quiet for you or sing for you, or if you are hungry, let me bring you food, or if you have thirst and nothing will quench it but Arabian wine, I will go to Araby, even though it is across the world, and bring a bottle back for your lunch. Anything there is that I can do for you, I will do for you; anything there is that I cannot do, I will learn to do. I know I cannot compete with the Countess in skills or wisdom or appeal, and I saw the way she looked at you. And I saw the way you looked at her. But remember, please, that she is old and has other interests, while I am seventeen and for me there is only you. Dearest Westley--I've never called you that before, have I?--Westley, Westley, Westley, Westley, Westley,--darling Westley, adored Westley, sweet perfect Westley, whisper that I have a chance to win your love.

Hear my Voice

What does it take to get you to hear me? I have tried everything I can think of. I made the soccer team; I learned to play the piano; I even clean my room and get good grades. And yet you still turn your back on me. You've shut your feelings up inside you so that no one can see that you're hurting. Why won't you let me help you? You talk to Matt; why not me? Maybe if I had been a son, too. Would you love me then? Or is it because I remind you of Mama? You never talk about her anymore. Why does it upset you so much just to talk about her? She's with Jesus now; you know that. You should be happy. I know she is. I miss her too, Daddy; but lately, I miss you more. Will I ever know what it takes to earn you love? To make you laugh again? All I have ever wanted is to make you happy. Tell me how to do that.Why don't we ever go back to those hills you used to take me to? You know, before Mama died? Remember the picnics we would have? We would watch the rabbits and the butterflies, and you and I would talk about everything. But then Mama got sick, and that was when you started to talk less and less. You said that Mama would get better soon, and you sounded so sure of yourself. But after a while, the doctor took Mama away. We haven't had a picnic since.Oh, how I wish that you would listen to me. There's so much I'd love to tell you. I'd say.Oh, I don't know what I'd say, but just the thought that you would take the time to hear me. It would mean the world to me. Daddy, can't you see that I need you? I need to know that you still love me. Even if all you do is ask me how my day was. Every time you ignore me or you look away, it rips me up inside. So, I'll just ask you, Daddy. All I need is a 'yes' or 'no': Daddy, do you love me?

You're a Good Man Charlie Brown

Sally: A 'C'? A 'C'? I got a 'C' on my coathanger sculpture? How could anyone get a 'C' in coathanger sculpture? May I ask a question? Was I judged on the piece of sculpture itself? If so, is it not true that time alone can judge a work of art? Or was I judged on my talent? If so, is it fair that I be judged on a part of my life over which I have no control? If I was judged on my effort, then I was judged unfairly, for I tried as hard as I could! Was I judged on what I had learned about this project? If so, then were not you, my teacher, also being judged on your ability to transmit your knowledge to me? Are you willing to share my 'C'? Perhaps I was being judged on the quality of coathanger itself out of which my creation was made...now is this not also unfair? Am I to be judged by the quality of coathangers that are used by the drycleaning establishment that returns our garments? Is that not the responsibility of my parents? Should they not share my 'C'? (SFX: the teachers voice is heard offstage [brief unintelligible squawk voice mixed with electronic static)) Thank you, Miss Othmar. (to audience) The squeaky wheel gets the grease! (exits)

You're a Good Man Charlie Brown

Charlie Brown: I think lunchtime is about the worst time of day for me. Always having to sit here alone. Of course, sometimes, mornings aren't so pleasant either. Waking up and wondering if anyone would really miss me if I never got out of bed. Then there's the night, too. Lying there and thinking about all the stupid things I've done during the day. And all those hours in between when I do all those stupid things. Well, lunchtime is among the worst times of the day for me. Well, I guess I'd better see what I've got. Peanut butter. Some psychiatrists say that people who eat peanut butter sandwiches are lonely...I guess they're right. And when you're really lonely, the peanut butter sticks to the roof of your mouth. There's that cute little red-headed girl eating her lunch over there. I wonder what she would do if I went over and asked her if I could sit and have lunch with her?...She'd probably laugh right in my face...it's hard on a face when it gets laughed in. There's an empty place next to her on the bench. There's no reason why I couldn't just go over and sit there. I could do that right now. All I have to do is stand up...I'm standing up!...I'm sitting down. I'm a coward. I'm so much of a coward, she wouldn't even think of looking at me. She hardly ever does look at me. In fact, I can't remember her ever looking at me. Why shouldn't she look at me? Is there any reason in the world why she shouldn't look at me? Is she so great, and I'm so small, that she can't spare one little moment?...SHE'S LOOKING AT ME!! SHE'S LOOKING AT ME!! (he puts his lunchbag over his head.) ...Lunchtime is among the worst times of the day for me. If that little red-headed girl is looking at me with this stupid bag over my head she must think I'm the biggest fool alive. But, if she isn't looking at me, then maybe I could take it off quickly and she'd never notice it. On the other hand...I can't tell if she's looking, until I take it off! Then again, if I never take it off I'll never have to know if she was looking or not. On the other hand...it's very hard to breathe in here. (he removes his sack) Whew! She's not looking at me! I wonder why she never looks at me? Oh well, another lunch hour over with...only 2,863 to go.

The Odd Couple

Oscar: Hello, Oscar the poker player!..Who?..Who did you want, please?...Dabby? Dabby who?..No there's no Dabby here...Oh, Daddy! (to the others) For Christ sakes it's my kid (into phone: clearly a man who loves his son) Brucey, hello, baby. Yes it's Daddy! (to the others) Hey come on, give me a break will ya? My five-year-old kid is calling from California. It must be costing him a fortune. (phone) How've you been, sweetheart?...Yes, I finally got your letter. It took three weeks...Yes but next time tell your mommy to give you a stamp...I know, but you're not supposed to draw it on...(proud, to the others) Do you hear? (phone) Mommy wants to speak to me? Right... Take care of yourself, soldier. I love you.(and then with false cheeriness) Hello Blanche, how are you?...Err, yes I have a pretty good idea why you're calling...I'm a week behind with the check, right?...Four weeks? That's not possible...Because it's not possible...Blanche I keep a record of every check and I know I'm only three weeks behind!...Blanche, I'm trying the best I can...Blanche, don't threaten me with jail, because it's not a threat, with my expenses and my alimony, a prisoner takes home more pay than I do...Very nice in front of the kids...Blanche, don't tell me you're going to have my salary attached, just say goodbye...Goodbye! (hangs up, to the others) I'm eight hundred dollars behind in alimony, so let's up the stakes

Monty Python's Flying Circus

Reporter (Eric Idle): Trading was crisp at the start of the day, with some brisk business on the floor. Rubber hardened and string remained confident. Little bits of tin consolidated, although biscuits sank after an early gain and stools remained anonymous. Armpits rallied well after a poor start. Nipples rose dramatically during the morning but had declined by mid afternoon, while teeth clenched and buttocks remained firm. Small dark furry things increased severely on the floor, whilst rude jellies wobbled up and down and bounced against rising thighs which had spread to all parts of the country by mid afternoon. After lunch, naughty things dipped sharply, forcing giblets upwards with the nicky nacky noo. Ting tang tong rankled dithely, little tipples pooped and poppy things went pong. Gibble gabble gobble went the rickety rackety roo...

The Jew of Malta

BARABAS: [Discovered in his counting house,
With heaps of gold before him.]
So that of thus much that return was made;
And of the third part of the Persian ships
There was the venture summ'd and satisfied.
As for those Samnites, and the men of Uz,
That brought my Spanish oils and wines of Greece,
Here have I purs'd their paltry silverlings.
Fie, what a trouble 'tis to count this trash!
Well fare the Arabians, who so richly pay
The things they traffic for with wedge of gold,
Whereof a man may easily in a day
Tell that which may maintain him all his life.
The needy groom, that never finger'd groat,
Would make a miracle of thus much coin;
But he whose steel-barr'd coffers are cramm'd full,
And all his life-time hath been tired,
Wearying his fingers' ends with telling it,
Would in his age he loath to labour so,
And for a pound to sweat himself to death.
Give me the merchants of the Indian mines,
That trade in metal of the purest mould;
The wealthy Moor, that in the eastern rocks
Without control can pick his riches up,
And in his house heap pearl like pebble stones,
Receive them free, and sell them by the weight!
Bags of fiery opals, sapphires, amethysts,
Jacinths, hard topaz, grass-green emeralds,
Beauteous rubies, sparkling diamonds,
And seld-seen costly stones of so great price,
As one of them, indifferently rated,
And of a carat of this quantitiy,
May serve, in peril of calamity,
To ransom great kings from captivity.
This is the ware wherein consists my wealth;
And thus methinks should men of judgment frame
Their means of traffic from the vulgar trade,
And, as their wealth increaseth, so inclose
Infinite riches in a little room.

The Goal

SIR STEPHEN: You won't misunderstand me, dear. I'm old enough to be your grandfather. [Very seriously.] Take care how you choose your partner for life. You'll have a wide choice, and all your future happiness, and the happiness of many generations to come, will depend on the one moment when you say "Yes" to one of the scores of young fellows who'll ask you to be his wife. Take care! Look him thoroughly up and down! Be sure that he has a good full open eye that can look you straight in the face; and be sure that the whites of his eyes are clear. Take care he hasn't got a queer-shaped head, or a low forehead. A good round head, and a good full high forehead, do you hear? Notice the grip of his hand when he shakes hands with you! Take care its strong and firm, and not cold and dry. Don't say "Yes" till you've seen him out of trousers, in riding dress, or court dress. Look at the shape of his legs -- a good, well-shaped leg, eh, Peggie? And take care it is his leg! See that he's well-knit and a little lean, not flabby; doesn't squint; doesn't stammer; hasn't got any nervous tricks or twitchings. Don't marry a bald man! They say we shall all be bald in ten generations. Wait ten generations, Peggie, and then don't marry a bald man! Can you remember all this, dear? Watch his walk! See that he has a good springy step, and feet made of elastic -- can do his four or five miles an hour without turning a hair. Don't have him if he has a cough in the winter or the spring. Young men ought never to have a cough. And be sure he can laugh well and heartily -- not a snigger, or a wheeze, or a cackle, but a good, deep, hearty laugh right down from the bottom of his chest. And if he has a little money, or even a good bit, so much the better! There now! You choose a man like that, Peggie, and I won't promise you that you'll be happy, but if you're not, it won't be your fault, and it won't be his, and it won't be mine!

Extracts from Adam's Diary

ADAM: She has no discrimination. She takes to all the animals--all of them! She thinks they are all treasures, every new one is welcome. When the brontosaurus came striding into camp, she regarded it as an acquisition, I considered it a calamity; that is a good sample of the lack of harmony that prevails in our views of things. She wanted to domesticate it, I wanted to make it a present of the homestead and move out. She believed it could be tamed by kind treatment and would be a good pet; I said a pet twenty-one feet high and eighty-four feet long would be no proper thing to have about the place, because, even with the best intentions and without meaning any harm, it could sit down on the house and mash it, for any one could see by the look of its eye that it was absent-minded. Still, her heart was set upon having that monster, and she couldn't give it up. She thought we could start a dairy with it, and wanted me to help milk it; but I wouldn't; it was too risky. The sex wasn't right, and we hadn't any ladder anyway. Then she wanted to ride it, and look at the scenery. Thirty or forty feet of its tail was lying on the ground, like a fallen tree, and she thought she could climb it, but she was mistaken; when she got to the steep place it was too slick and down she came, and would have hurt herself but for me. Was she satisfied now? No. Nothing ever satisfies her but demonstration; untested theories are not in her line, and she won't have them. It is the right spirit, I concede it; it attracts me; I feel the influence of it; if I were with her more I think I should take it up myself. Well, she had one theory remaining about this colossus: she thought that if we could tame it and make him friendly we could stand in the river and use him for a bridge. It turned out that he was already plenty tame enough--at least as far as she was concerned--so she tried her theory, but it failed: every time she got him properly placed in the river and went ashore to cross over him, he came out and followed her around like a pet mountain. Like the other animals. They all do that.

The Bachelor's Soliloquy

BACHELOR: To wed, or not to wed;--that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in a man to suffer
The slings and sorrows of that blind young archer;
Or fly to arms against a host of troubles,
And at the altar end them. To woo--to wed--
No more; and by this step to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand hopes and fears
The single suffer--'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wished. To woo--to wed;--
To wed--perchance repent!--ay, there's the rub;
For in that wedded state, what woes may come
When we have launched upon that untried sea
Must give us pause. There's the respect
That makes celibacy of so long life;
For who would bear the quips and jeers of friends,
The husband's pity, and the coquette's scorn,
The vacant hearth, the solitary cell,
The unshared sorrow, and the void within,
When he himself might his redemption gain
With a fair damsel. Who would beauty shun
To toil and plod over a barren heath;
But that the dread of something yet beyond--
The undiscovered country, from whose bourne
No bachelor returns--puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of!
Thus forethought does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And numberless flirtations, long pursued,
With this regard, their currents turn awry
And lose the name of marriage.

The Casket Comedy

ALCESIMARCHUS: I do believe it was Love that first devised the torturer's profession here on earth. It's my own experience--no need to look further--that makes me think so, for in torment of soul no man rivals me, comes near me. I'm tossed around, bandied about, goaded, whirled on the wheel of love, done to death, poor wretch that I am! I'm torn, torn asunder, disrupted, dismembered--yes, all my mental faculties are befogged! Where I am, there I am not; where I am not, there my soul is--yes, I am in a thousand moods! The thing that pleases me ceases to please a moment later; yes, Love mocks me in my weariness of soul--it drives me off, hounds me, seeks me, lays hands on me, holds me back, lures, lavishes! It gives without giving! beguiles me! It leads me on, then warns me off; it warns me off, then tempts me on. It deals with me like the waves of the sea--yes, batters my loving heart to bits; and except that I do not go to the bottom, poor devil, my wreck's complete in every kind of wretchedness! Yes, my father has kept me at the villa on the farm the last six successive days and I was not allowed to come and see my darling during all that time! Isn't it a terrible thing to tell of?

Henry IV Part I

HOTSPUR: My liege, I did deny no prisoners.
But I remember, when the fight was done,
When I was dry with rage and extreme toil,
Breathless and faint, leaning upon my sword,
Came there a certain lord, neat and trimly dressed,
Fresh as a bridegroom, and his chin new reaped
Showed like a stubble land at harvest home.
He was perfumèd like a milliner,
And twixt his finger and his thumb he held
A pouncet box, which ever and anon
He gave his nose, and took't away again;
Who therewith angry, when it next came there,
Took it in snuff; and still he smiled and talked;
And as the soldiers bore dead bodies by,
He called them untaught knaves, unmannerly,
To bring a slovenly unhandsome corse
Betwixt the wind and his nobility.
With many holiday and lady terms
He questioned me, amongst the rest demanded
My prisoners in your majesty's behalf.
I then, all smarting with my wounds being cold,
To be so pestered with a popingay,
Out of my grief and my impatience
Answered neglectingly, I know not what--
He should, or he should not; for he made me mad
To see him shine so brisk, and smell so sweet,
And talk so like a waiting gentlewoman
Of guns and drums and wounds -- God save the mark! --
And telling me the sovereignest thing on earth
Was parmacity for an inward bruise,
And that it was great pity, so it was,
This villainous saltpetre should be digged
Out of the bowels of the harmless earth,
Which many a good fellow had destroyed
So cowardly, and but for these vile guns,
He would himself have been a soldier.
This bald unjointed chat of his, my lord,
I answered indirectly, as I said,
And I beseech you, let not his report
Come current for an accusation
Betwixt my love and your high majesty.

Henry IV Part I

LADY PERCY: O my good lord, why are you thus alone?
For what offense have I this fortnight been
A banished woman from my Harry's bed?
Tell me, sweet lord, what is't that takes from thee
Thy stomach, pleasure, and thy golden sleep?
Why dost thou bend thine eyes upon the earth,
And start so often when thou sit'st alone?
Why hast thou lost the fresh blood in thy cheeks
And given my treasures and my rights of thee
To thick-eyed musing and cursed melancholy?
In thy faint slumbers I by thee have watched,
And heard thee murmur tales of iron wars,
Speak terms of manage to thy bounding steed,
Cry 'Courage! to the field!' And thou hast talked
Of sallies and retires, of trenches, tents,
Of palisadoes, frontiers, parapets,
Of basilisks, of cannon, culverin,
Of prisoners' ransom, and of soldiers slain,
And all the currents of a heady fight.
Thy spirit within thee hath been so at war,
And thus hath so bestirred thee in thy sleep,
That beads of sweat have stood upon thy brow
Like bubbles in a late-disturbèd stream,
And in thy face strange motions have appeared,
Such as we see when men restrain their breath
On some great sudden hest. O, what portents are these?
Some heavy business hath my lord in hand,
And I must know it, else he loves me not.

Love's Labor Lost

BEROWNE: And I, forsooth, in love!
I, that have been love's whip,
A very beadle to a humorous sigh,
A critic, nay, a night-watch constable,
A domineering pedant o'er the boy,
Than whom no mortal so magnificent.
This wimpled, whining, purblind, wayward boy,
This signor-junior, giant-dwarf, Dan Cupid,
Regent of love-rimes, lord of folded arms,
The anointed sovereign of sighs and groans,
Liege of all loiterers and malcontents,
Dread prince of plackets, king of codpieces,
Sole imperator and great general
Of trotting paritors -- O my little heart!
And I to be a corporal of his field,
And wear his colors like a tumbler's hoop!
What? I love, I sue, I seek a wife!
A woman that is like a German clock,
Still a-repairing, ever out of frame,
And never going aright, being a watch,
But being watched that it may still go right!
Nay, to be perjured, which is worst of all;
And, among three, to love the worst of all;
A whitely wanton with a velvet brow,
With two pitch balls stuck in her face for eyes.
Ay, and, by heaven, one that will do the deed,
Though Argus were her eunuch and her guard.
And I to sigh for her, to watch for her,
To pray for her! Go to, it is a plague
That Cupid will impose for my neglect
Of his almighty dreadful little might.
Well, I will love, write, sigh, pray, sue, groan:
Some men must love my lady, and some Joan.

Romeo & Juliet

FRIAR: Hold thy desperate hand.
Art thou a man? Thy form cries out thou art;
Thy tears are womanish, thy wild acts denote
The unreasonable fury of a beast.
Unseemly woman is a seeming man!
And ill-beseeming beast in seeming both!
Thou hast amazed me. By my holy order,
I thought thy disposition better tempered.
Hast thou slain Tybalt? Wilt thou slay thyself?
And slay thy lady that in thy life lives,
By doing damnèd hate upon thyself?
Why railest thou on thy birth, the heaven, and earth?
Since birth and heaven and earth, all three do meet
In thee at once; which thou at once wouldst lose.
Fie, fie, thou shamest thy shape, thy love, thy wit,
Which, like a userer, abound'st in all,
And uses none in that true sense indeed
Which should bedeck thy shape, thy love, thy wit.
Thy noble shape is but a form of wax,
Digressing from the valor of a man;
Thy dear love sworn but hollow perjury,
Killing that love which thou hast vowed to cherish;
Thy wit, that ornament to shape and love,
Misshapen in the conduct of them both,
Like powder in a skilless soldier's flask,
Is set afire by thine own ignorance,
And thou dismemb'red with thine own defense.
What, rouse thee, man! Thy Juliet is alive,
For whose dear sake thou wast but lately dead.
There art thou happy. Tybalt would kill thee,
But thou slewest Tybalt. There are thou happy too.
The law, that threat'ned death, becomes thy friend
And turns it to exile. There art thou happy.
A pack of blessings light upon thy back;
Happiness courts thee in her best array;
But, like a misbehaved and sullen wench,
Thou pout'st upon thy fortune and thy love.
Take heed, take heed, for such die miserable.
Go get thee to thy love, as was decreed,
Ascend her chamber, hence and comfort her.
But look thou stay not till the watch be set,
For then thou canst not pass to Mantua,
Where thou shalt live till we can find a time
To blaze your marriage, reconcile your friends,
Beg pardon of the Prince, and call thee back
With twenty hundred thousand times more joy
Than thou went'st forth in lamentation.
Go before, nurse. Commend me to thy lady,
And bid her hasten all the house to bed,
Which heavy sorrow makes them apt unto.
Romeo is coming

American Psycho

Patrick Bateman: Do you like Phil Collins? I've been a big Genesis fan ever since the release of their 1980 album, Duke. Before that, I really didn't understand any of their work. Too artsy, too intellectual. It was on Duke where, uh, Phil Collins' presence became more apparent. I think Invisible Touch was the group's undisputed masterpiece. It's an epic meditation on intangibility. At the same time, it deepens and enriches the meaning of the preceding three albums. Christy, take off your robe. Listen to the brilliant ensemble playing of Banks, Collins and Rutherford. You can practically hear every nuance of every instrument. Sabrina, remove your dress. In terms of lyrical craftsmanship, the sheer songwriting, this album hits a new peak of professionalism. Sabrina, why don't you, uh, dance a little. Take the lyrics to Land of Confusion. In this song, Phil Collins addresses the problems of abusive political authority. In Too Deep is the most moving pop song of the 1980s, about monogamy and commitment. The song is extremely uplifting. Their lyrics are as positive and affirmative as, uh, anything I've heard in rock. Christy, get down on your knees so Sabrina can see your ass. Phil Collins' solo career seems to be more commercial and therefore more satisfying, in a narrower way. Especially songs like In the Air Tonight and, uh, Against All Odds. Sabrina, don't just stare at it, eat it. But I also think Phil Collins works best within the confines of the group, than as a solo artist, and I stress the word artist. This is Sussudio, a great, great song, a personal favorite.

American Psycho

Patrick Bateman: I live in the American Gardens building on West 81st street. My name is Patrick Bateman. I'm 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself, and a balanced diet and a rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I'll put on an ice pack while doing my stomach crunches. I can do a thousand now. After I remove the ice pack, I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower, I use a water activated gel cleanser. Then a honey almond body scrub. And on the face, an exfoliating gel scrub. Then apply an herb mint facial mask, which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an aftershave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion. There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, some kind of abstraction, but there is no real me. Only an entity, something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours and maybe you can even sense our life styles are probably comparable, I simply am not there.

American History X

Danny: (voiceover) It's 5:40 am and in about one minute I'm going to watch the sun come up. I don't know if I've ever done that. Anyway, we're going to try to pick things up, and start over. It won't be easy but we're all together again. And I feel good. I'm not sure if this paper is what you wanted, if I hit the social significance or whatever you're looking for. But, for what it's worth, thanks a lot.So I guess this is where I tell you what I learned. My conclusion, right? Well, my conclusion is: hate is baggage. Life's too short to be pissed off all the time. It's just not worth it. Derek says it's always good to end a paper with a quote. Says someone else has already said it best so if you can't top it, steal from them and go out strong. So I picked a guy I thought you'd like. "We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic cords of memory will swell when again touched, as they surely will be, by the better angels of our nature."

Fight Club

Narrator: You are not your job. You are not how much you have in the bank. You are not the contents of your wallet. You are not your khakis. You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. What happens first is you can't sleep. What happens then is there's a gun in your mouth. And what happens next is you meet Tyler Durden. Let me tell you about Tyler. He had a plan. In Tyler we trusted. Tyler says the things you own, end up owning you. It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything. Fight Club represents that kind of freedom. First rule of Fight Club: You do not talk about Fight Club. Second rule of Fight Club: You do not talk about Fight Club. Tyler says self-improvement is masturbation. Tyler says self-destruction might be the answer. Third rule of Fight Club: You join Fight Club, you gotta fight.

Love Always (A play by Renee Taylor & Joseph Bologna)

(Just before her daughter's Sweet 16 party, this woman, described as "sad and empty," takes a moment to offer the excited young girl some depressing advice.)
Mother: I love it. And I love your enthusiasm. Stay that way. Always remember, it's no sin to be a woman. You were born that way; it wasn't your fault. This is embarrassing for me to talk about...I don't know whether you've noticed or not, Gina, but your body's starting to change. When I was your age, I didn't notice because my mother wasn't as modern as I am; and I thought it was dirty to look at my body. Then when I was 25, I was married and had two children already, so I was too busy to look. Now I'm 45 and it's too depressing to look. Why should I make myself sick? Now that you're sixteen, you have a big decision to make -- what kind of woman are you going to be? There are only two kinds -- good and not-so-good. Let me tell you the difference. A not-so-good woman is only interested in pleasure and hot times and living only for the moment, and a good woman isn't interested in anything. It's live and let live. You don't bother me -- I don't bother you. I left your father alone during the day and he left me alone at night. That was the joy of womanhood for me. My life had meaning. I was a good homemaker, a vivacious hostess, and a shrewd shopper. And in return, your father tried to be decent. Of course, things aren't always just peaches and cream, but he never humiliated me in a large crowd. He never made me cry on my birthday. And he never ran off with a fan dancer behind my back. But when I had you, I was happy for one reason. I knew you would be part of a new generation of women, and these are my hopes for you. You can have what I didn't have. All the things girls of my generation could never hope to have -- drive, ambition, talent, and self-respect. Today you can hold out for a man with all those qualities. Today you don't have to rush into marriage, because a woman can play football; she could lead a safari; she could climb a mountain. They're letting women in all the unions. So take advantage of it. You could be a bullfighter, a boxing referee, a stunt woman. Live dangerously! Try different things. Then after college, you'll become a teacher and get married. That's why you have children, so they'll have a little better life than you have. Oh, how I wish I had this talk with my mother when I was your age, today I might have a real identity. I might have been Mrs. Somebody. (Mother opens the door, revealing a foggily lit limbo area; crying) Now, go downstairs to your party and grit your teeth and be a woman. It's all you have. Try to make it enough.

'Dentity Crisis (A play by Christopher Durang)

( Jane tells her psychiatrist a story from her childhood.)
Jane: When I was eight years old, someone brought me to this... theatre. Full of lots of other children. We were supposed to be watching a production of "Peter Pan." And I remember that something seemed terribly wrong with the whole production. Odd things kept happening. For instance, when the children would fly, the ropes they were on would just keep breaking ... and the actors would come thumping to the ground and they had to be carried off by stagehands. And there seemed to be an unlimited supply of understudies, to take their places, and then they'd just fall to the ground. And then the crocodile that chases Captain Hook, seemed to be a real crocodile, it wasn't an actor. And at one point it fell off the stage and crushed a couple of kids in the front row. And then some of the understudies came and took their places in the audience. And from scene to scene, Wendy just seemed to get fatter and fatter until finally by the end of act one she was completely immobile and they had to move her off stage with a cart.You remember how in the second act Tinkerbell drinks some poison that peter is about to drink in order to save him? And then Peter turns to the audience and he says that "Tinkerbell is going to die because not enough people believe in fairies. But if all of you clap your hands real hard to show that you do believe in fairies, maybe she won't die." So, we all started to clap. I clapped so long and so hard that my palms hurt and they even started to bleed I clapped so hard. Then suddenly the actress playing peter pan turned to the audience and she said, "That wasn't enough. You did not clap hard enough. Tinkerbell is dead." And then we all started to cry. The actress stomped off stage and refused to continue with the production. They finally had to lower the curtain. The ushers had to come help us out of the aisles and into the street. I don't think that any of us were ever the same after that experience. It certainly turned me against theatre. And even more damagingly, I think it's warped my total sense of life. I mean nothing seems worth trying if Tinkerbell is just going to die.

Catholic School Girls (A play by Casey Kurtti)

( Elizabeth is a second grade student at coed catholic school. She has been elected to give a tour of the church to a group of kindergarten students.)
Elizabeth: Okay everybody. This ... is church. This is God's house. If you ever want to talk to Him, you just come in here and sit in one of those long chairs and start talking. But not too loud. Or else you might wake up one of those statues. And they are praying to Jesus. (Bows head) Oh! I forgot to tell you. Whenever you hear the name Jesus (Bows head) you have to bow your head or else you have a sin on your soul. Now, over there is the statue of Jesus' (bows head) mother. Her name is the Blessed Virgin Mary. She is not as important as Jesus (bows head) so you don't have to bow your head when you hear her name. Over there is the statue of Jesus' (bows head) father. Hey, (points at small child) you didn't bow your head. Don't do that cause you'll get a black spot on your soul and you go straight to hell. Now, in hell it is really hot and you sweat a lot. And these little devils come and they bite you all over the place. But if you're really good, you get to go to heaven. Now, in heaven they have this big refrigerator full of lots of stuff to eat! Like ice cream, and chocolate and donuts and it never runs out. But the best part about heaven would have to be that you can talk to anybody you want to. Let's just say that I wanted to talk to... (thinks real hard) Cleopatra! Well, then I would go up to one of the Saints and I would get a permission slip and I would fill it out. Then I would hand it to Jesus (bows head). Hey! (Looks at small child again) You didn't bow your head! Okay, I warned you. And then, I would fly across heaven, cause when you get in they gives you wings, and I would have a nice chat with Cleopatra. I just hope everyone I like get accepted into heaven, or else I won't ever see them again. One more thing, if you ever ask Jesus (bows head) a question and he answers you, make sure you write down the answer really quick, so you don't mess it up. Because, if you mess up an answer from Him, it could get you in real trouble.

Audition (A play by Jane Martin)

(An actress in her late twenties runs up on the stage. She is nervous. She shields her eyes against the light. She is dressed in a slightly bizarre and trendy style. She carries in her arms a cat on a leash.)
Actress: Hi. Hey Hi. Wow. All right. Nice place. Nice,uh, nice theatre. Good vibes. Okay....for my.....can you hear me? Can you? No? Yes? You are out there, right? (She puts the cat on the floor, her foot on the leash) O.K., so we're all here. Let's see..Audition! RAH! Get that part! O.K. My name is.....shit! I forgot my name. Right. This would be construed as craziness. My name is......I did. I forgot my name. My stage name. See, I decided to use my new stage name for this audition for, uh....luck. It was.....it was very....look, what d'you care, right? My human world name is Mary Titfer. Titfer. You got it? Goodo! O.K. Can you hear me? All the way back? Loud and clear Captain Marvel! A- O.K.!......Now, one more introduction and we're under way. The, uh, small person on my leash is my cat 'Tat'. Get it? (points to herself). Titfer (points to cat.) 'Tat'. Right. You got it. Hey, we're waking up here! We're demonstrating consciousness. Okay. O.K. Now, you.... the imperial you....have a part. I, Titfer need a part. We are thus in tune. Synchronicity. Soooooooo, it's audition city! Now, 'I've got two parts for you today, and here's the surprise: I've got one classical piece and I've got one contemporary piece. Good. For my classical piece I will take off all my clothes. Now, why is this classical? Surly you jest. The body. The body is classical. It goes all the way back and all the way front. Har,har.Okay. O.K. Now, in the great tradition of auditions you may stop me at anytime. You can stop me one second after I start. But...BUT....and here's the stinger....(she takes a hammer out of her purse, and a nail) Bear with me okay? A simple task and I'll be back with you. (she nails the cat's leash to the floor.) There. Nice kitty. O.K. Stop me at anytime. Right. Just yell 'Thank you Miss Titfer'. Firm but courteous and zaparoonie. I stop. I nip the strip. But when I stop my classical piece, I shift imminently into my contemporary piece which is......full attention now......beating the kitty's head in with a hammer! Yipes! Holy Mackerel! Is this broad kidding? well, I wouldn't want to spoil it for you but I don't think she's kidding. So, option A....We will let this poor, desperate, deluded girl debase herself.....and I would, will, be debased. Mortified. I mean....no clothes here? In front of strangers? Or option b....We can yell 'Thank you Miss Titfer' and watch her clonk the kitty.....and remember, Miss Titfer is fast. It will happen in a flash. Kittyplasm....and haven't we,no, you actually killed the little puss? Or option C, the second to last option. We could give Mary Titfer the crummy, undemanding, twelve line, two scene part, which, let me assure you, any mildly competent average workday actress could do while standing on her head shouting 'You can take this job and shove it'........backwards. O.K. Last option. We could give her the part now and then when she splits, her and he furry hostage, we could take it away from her on the basis that she needs....shhhh....psychiatric attention. But, if you did that. If you did that, then Mary Titfer would find and Jacobean revenge. Kill the feline and, perhaps- disturbing thought- herself in a particularly garish and oriental manner RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU. Now, she might not have the nerve but on the other hand we don't know. We just don't know.

Fame (A Play by Christopher Gore)

(Hilary van Doren is a talented rising star of a ballerina whose dreams are sidetracked by an unplanned pregnancy. Here, she pleads her case to the nurse in the lobby of an abortion clinic.)
Hilary: You see, I was offered this place in the San Francisco Ballet. I haven't told anyone yet, but I'm gonna take it. I don't care what they think. I'm a good dancer. Better than good. Maybe even the best in the school. And that's not conceit, it's just simple honesty. If I stay in New York, everyone will think I bought my way into ABT. And I'm not starving myself for Balanchine's City Ballet. Not that I mind doing the corps de ballet bullshit. I'd sooner do it out of town. I'll pay my dues on the west coast, come back to New York a star. You see, I've always had this crazy dream of dancing all the classical roles before I'm twenty-one. I want Giselles and Coppélias coming out of my feet. And Sleeping Beauties, and the Swan. I want bravos in Stuttgart and Leningrad and Paris. Maybe even a ballet created especially for me. You see? There's no room for a baby

Butterflies are Free (Play by Leonard Gershe)

Jill: I can't talk about him. No, I will talk about him. Every once in a while it's good to do something you don't want to do, it cleanses the insides. He was terribly sweet, and groovy looking, but kind of adolescent, ya know what I mean? Girls mature faster than boys, boys are neater, but girls mature faster. When we met, it was like fireworks! It was a marvelous kind of passion that made every day seem like the 4th of July! Anyways.. the next thing I know, there we are, standing in front of the Justice of the Peace, getting married!? Its only been like two or three months and we're getting married?! I'm not even out of high school! I've got two big exams tomorrow and they were on my mind too.. and then I hear the words, "Do you Jack, take Jill, to be your lawful wedded wife?" UGH!!! Can you imagine going through life as "Jack and Jill" ?! Then I hear, "Until death do us part." And all of the sudden, its not even a wedding anymore, more like a funeral service! And there I am being buried alive!... Under Jack Benson! I wanted to scream, go running out into the night! But I couldn't.. It was 10 o'clock in the morning and well, you can't go running out into 10 o'clock in the morning. So instead, I passed out. If only I'd fainted, before I said "I do."

Chris Farley on Saturday Night Live

(The character makes 'quote marks' in the air at every "___")
Bennet: That's right, Bennet Brauer here with another commentary. didn't think the suits would have me back perhaps. Thought they'd have my derriere replaced by one of those cookie cutter store mannequins. Well maybe I'm not "the norm". I'm not "camera friendly." I don't "wear clothes that fit me." I'm not a "heartbreaker." I haven't "had sex with a woman." I don't know "how that works." I guess I don't "fall in line." I'm not "hygienic." I don't "wipe properly." I don't "own a toothbrush" or "let my scabs heal." I can't "reach all the parts of my body." When I sleep I "sweat profusely." But I guess the "powers that be" will keep signing my paycheck at least until John and Jane Q. Viewer start to go for the remote so they can go back to watching commentators who don't "frighten children" and don't "eat their own dandruff" and don't "pop their whiteheads with a compass they used in high school." Thank you Kevin.

Boy Meets World (TV Show)

(His guardian John is in a coma)
Shawn Hunter: John, how could you be in here? How could you screw up on your bike? I have never seen you screw up on anything. I'm the screw-up, remember? C'mon you remember...Don't do this to me, John. I don't do alone real good... I know you're in there but it's like you're not really here. You're not talking but I know you're here. So I'm just gonna talk, you can listen. (pause) John, even when I was at the Centre, it was all the things you taught me that made me wonder if it was the right place for me or not. But you didn't teach me enough. You, and Cory, and my parents, and the Matthews and the handful of people who really care about me, so don't blow me off, John! (looks up) Don't blow me off, God! I never asked you for anything before and I never wanted to come to you like this, but don't take Turner away from me; he's not yelling at me yet. God, you're not talking but I know you're here, so I'm gonna talk, and you can listen.[pause]God, I don't wanna be empty inside anymore.

Tommy Boy

Tommy: Dude, you'll never believe what happened to me today. It all started when I woke up this morning. You know usually I press the snooze button about four or five times...but today was different, when I heard the alarm, I just sprang out of bed and said to myself, "Today is going to be a great day!" I don't know why I said it, but I was feeling great! I got in the shower and found myself humming a cool song I heard the day before. While I was combing my hair in the mirror, I noticed that not only was it a great hair day, but my skin seemed different too....alive and glowing, and no it wasn't that new acne cream I'd been using...it was LIFE! So instead of dragging around, I threw on my clothes and headed out. When I got on the bus, the girls seemed to look at me differently. I thought maybe it was my confidence, or the hair, but then I thought who the heck cares, they were looking at me! So I looked back at them and they giggled. I was on top of the world! I went and got a seat in the back of the bus...then it came to me, I had a presentation due in first period... I wasn't about to let that ruin my day. I knew the material and I was on a roll. A few moments later, walking down the hallway, it was like a movie, almost every group of girls turned to look at me, it started to become really spooky actually. My next thought was, with my luck, I should be playing lottery. I got to my first period class and sat down. It's almost like I could feel Jamie, that hottie that sits behind me in class, staring at the back of my head...It felt great! And of course, I was called first to read my presentation to the class, so I strolled up to the front of the room with a gleaming smile...I actually winked at this girl who snickered at me in the front row...man was I getting bold! I couldn't help myself though, this never happened to me before, it was like a dream, and right when I was getting ready to start my presentation, the teacher called me aside...I thought I'd gone too far with the winking, but decided not to lose my cool and casually stroll over to her to recieve my reprimand. Dude, when she started talking to me, my stomach dropped to my feet, like I was on a fast roller coaster ride, and I could feel my face turning as white as a ghost. It was like the whole day flashed before my eyes. Well I thanked the teacher anyway, turned away from the class, swallowed my pride and zipped-up my fly.

Guys and Dolls

(Sarah is a very naive person, who has devoted her life to "saving" those who do not appear to want salvation. This monologue can be very comedic if Sarah is the picture of innocence and does not appear to realize how ridiculous she is.)
SARAH: Brothers and sisters, resist the Devil and he will flee from you. That is what the Bible tells us. And that is why I am standing here, in the Devil's own city, on the Devil's own street, prepared to do battle with the forces of evil. Hear me, you gamblers! With your dice, your cards, your horses! Pause and think before it is too late! You are in great danger! I am not speaking of the prison and the gallows, but of the greater punishment that awaits you! Repent before it is too late!
Just around the corner is out little mission where you are always welcome to seek refuge from this jungle of sin. Come here and talk to me. Do not think of me as Sergeant Sarah Brown, but as Sarah Brown, your sister. Join me, Brothers and Sisters, in resisting the Devil, and we can put him to flight forever.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

(Maggie is tormented by her longing for the husband she cannot possess and her craving for security. As her father-in-law draws closer to death, she worries that she and her husband will be given the smaller share of the inheritance because they have no children.)
MAGGIE: It's too bad, because you can't wring their necks if they've got no necks to wring! Isn't that right, honey? Yep, they're no-neck monsters, all no-neck people are monsters...
Here them? Hear them screaming? I don't know where their voice-boxes are located since they don't have necks. I tell you I got so nervous at that table tonight I thought I would throw back my head and utter a scream you could hear across the Arkansas border an' parts of Louisiana an' Tennessee. I said to your charming sister-in-law, Mae, honey, couldn't you feed those precious little things at a separate table with an oilcloth cover? They make such a mess an' the lace cloth looks so pretty! She made enormous eyes at me and said, "Ohhhh, noooooo! On Big Daddy's birthday? Why, he would never forgive me!" Well, I want you to know, Big Daddy hadn't been at the table two minutes with those five no-neck monsters slobbering and drooling over their food before he threw down his fork an' shouted, "Fo' God's sake, Gooper, why don't you put them pigs at a trough in th' kitchen?" - Well, I swear, I simply could have di-ieed!
Think of it, Brick, they've got five of them and number six is coming. They've brought the whole bunch down here like animals to display at the county fair. Why, they have those children doin' tricks all the time! "Junior, show Big Daddy how you do this, show Big Daddy how you do that, say your little piece fo' Big Daddy, Sister. Show your dimples, Sugar. Brother, show Big Daddy how you stand on your head!" -It goes on all the time, along with constant little remarks and innuendos about the fact that you and I have not produced any children, are totally childless and therefore totally useless! -Of course it's comical but it's also disgusting since it's so obvious what they're up to!

Angels in America

(Harper is a sad Mormon Valium addict. In this monologue she is listening to the radio and talking to herself, as she often does.)
HARPER: People who are lonely, people left alone, sit talking nonsense to the air, imagining... beautiful systems dying, old fixed orders spiraling apart... When you look at the ozone layer, from outside, from a spaceship, it looks like a pale blue halo, a gentle, shimmering aureole encircling the atmosphere, encircling the earth. Thirty miles above our heads, a thin layer of three-atom oxygen molecules, product of photosynthesis, which explains the fussy vegetable preference for visible light, its rejection of darker rays and emanations. Danger from without. It's a kind of gift from God, the crowning touch to the creation of the world: guardian angels, hands linked, make a spherical net, a blue-green nesting orb, a shell of safety for life itself. But everywhere, things are collapsing, lies surfacing, systems of defense giving way...This is why, Joe, this is why I shouldn't be left alone...
I'd like to go traveling. Leave you behind to worry. I'll send postcards with strange stamps and tantalizing messages on the back. "Later maybe." "Nevermore..."
I'm undecided. I feel...like something's going to give. It's 1985. Fifteen years till the third millenium. Maybe Christ will come again. Or maybe troubles will come, and the sky will collapse and there will be terrible rains and showers of poison light, or maybe my life is really fine, maybe Joe loves me and I'm only crazy thinking otherwise, or maybe not, maybe it's even worse than I know, maybe...I want to know, maybe I don't. The suspense...it's killing me...

Long Day's Journey Into Night

(Here, Edmund, suffering from tuberculosis - walks alone on the beach following an argument with his father and expresses his anger and bitterness.)
EDMUND: To hell with sense! We're all crazy! What do we want with sense? (He quotes, sardonically, from Dowson.)
"They are not long, the weeping and the laughter,
Love and desire and hate:
I think they have no portion in us after
We pass the gate.
They are not long, the days of wine and roses:
Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for a while, then closes
Within a dream."
The fog was where I wanted to be. Halfway down the path you can't see this house. You'd never know it was here. Or any of the other places down the avenue. I couldn't see but a few feet ahead. I didn't meet a soul. Everything looked and sounded so unreal. Nothing was what it is. That's what I wanted - to be alone with myself in another world where truth is untrue and life can hide from itself. Out beyond the harbor, where the road runs along the beach, I even lost the feeling of being on land. The fog and the sea seemed part of each other. It was like walking on the bottom of the sea. As if I had drowned long ago. As if I was a ghost belonging to the fog, and the fog was the ghost of the sea. It felt damned peaceful to be nothing more than a ghost within a ghost. (He sees his father staring at him with mingled worry and irritated disapproval. He grins mockingly.) Don't look at me as if I'd gone nutty. I'm talking sense. Who wants to see life as it is, if they can help it? It's the three Gorgons in one. You look in their faces and turn to stone. Or it's Pan. You see him and you die - that is, inside you - and you have to go on living as a ghost.

42nd Street

(Dorothy Brock is an established - and aged - Broadway star, who broke her ankle in on opening night - and was replaced by a younger, prettier, and more talented chorus girl named Peggy Sawyer.)
DOROTHY:I've got something to say to Miss Sawyer.
So, you're going to take my place. And you think you know how tough it must be for me? Do you really? I'm not so sure. Ever since I was a tiny little girl and saw my first Julian Marsh show I've dreamed of the day when I might work with the King of Broadway. And, my day had finally come, and I was filled with pride, joy and humility. Not to mention my happiness at a contract with a limousine, a redecorated dressing room, a private maid, and quite a hefty salary. When I started out for the theatre this afternoon, I wanted to tear your heart out. I wanted to hate you, I wanted to see you fail. You, singing my songs, wearing my costumes, playing my role! But sitting there in that theatre and watching you rehearse, I found I couldn't hate you... Because... you're good. Maybe even better than I would have been. The public wants youth, freshness, beauty, and Peggy, that's what you've got. Only I'm getting something too.
For ten years the theatre has kept me from the only thing I've ever wanted. And it was a broken ankle that finally made me realize it. Pat Denning and I were married this morning! I have only one last wish for you, my dear. Get out there and be so swell you'll make me hate you.
Oh, and Sawyer, one more thing. I hope you won't mind, but it's about the next-to-closing number. You've got to take it easy, you've got to let the audience come to you.

A Girl's Guide to Chaos

(Downtown New York, the 1980s. Cynthia contemplates her future, just after catching her ex-boyfriend and her best friend, making out in her kitchen.)
CYNTHIA: The realization hits me heavily, like a .44 Magnum smashing into my skull. My heart starts beating with a quick dread and my blood freezes in my veins. My stomach does backflips. The ordeal I am about to face is one of the most chilling, grisly, and macabre experiences known to woman.
Dating. I will have to start dating again.
Please, God, no, don't make me do it! I'll be good from now on, I promise! I'll stop feeding the dog hashish! I'll be kind, thoughtful, sober, industrious, anything. But please, God, not the ultimate torture of dating.
That's why I stayed with him for so long, probably. I couldn't stand going through it all again. Sure, he might be a trifle wild and intractable, I kept telling myself, but at least I know I'll get laid tonight, and tomorrow night. At least someone will go to the movies with me and not try to hold my hand.
Hand-holding. The WORST thing about dating. It's the most nerve-wrecking experience! Once I start holding hands, I'm afraid to stop. If I pull my hand away, will he think I'm being cold, or moody? Should I squeeze his hand and kind of wiggle my fingers around suggestively? Or is that too forward? What if my hand is clammy? A clammy hand is more offensive than bad breath or right-wing politics! A clammy hand means you're a lousy lay! Everybody knows that!
And what, dear spiteful God, will I wear?

Angels in America

BELIZE: You know what your problem is, Louis? Your problem is that you are so full of piping hot crap that the mention of your name draws flies.
Up in the air, just like that angel, too far off the earth to pick out the details. Louis and his Big Ideas. Big Ideas are all you love. "America" is what Louis loves. Well I hate America, Louis. I hate this country. It's just big ideas, and stories, and people dying, and people like you.
The cracker who wrote the national anthem knew what he was doing. He set the word "free" to a note so high nobody can reach it. That was deliberate. Nothing on earth sounds less like freedom to me.
You come with me to room 1013 over at the hospital, I'll show you America. Terminal, crazy, and mean.
I live in America, Louis, that's hard enough, I don't have to love it. You do that. Everybody's got to love something.

Little Shop of Horrors

(Audrey - the girl, not the plant - has lived her entire life in Skid Row, and dated a bunch of guys who have abused her. and here she speaks of what she has always wanted from life. )
AUDREY: I dream of a place where we could be together at last... It's just a daydream of mine. A little development that I dream of. Just off the interstate in a little suburb, far, far from urban Skid Row. The sweetest, greenest place - where everybody has the same little lawn out front and the same little flagstone patio out back. And all the houses are so neat and pretty... 'Cause they all look just alike. Oh, I dream about it all the time. Just me. And the toaster. And a sweet little guy - like Seymour...

Alice in Wonderland

ALICE: [Angrily] Why, how impolite of him. I asked him a civil question, and he pretended not to hear me. That's not at all nice. [Calling after him] I say, Mr. White Rabbit, where are you going? Hmmm. He won't answer me. And I do so want to know what he is late for. I wonder if I might follow him. Why not? There's no rule that I mayn't go where I please. I--I will follow him. Wait for me, Mr. White Rabbit. I'm coming, too! [Falling] How curious. I never realized that rabbit holes were so dark . . . and so long . . . and so empty. I believe I have been falling for five minutes, and I still can't see the bottom! Hmph! After such a fall as this, I shall think nothing of tumbling downstairs. How brave they'll all think me at home. Why, I wouldn't say anything about it even if I fell off the top of the house! I wonder how many miles I've fallen by this time. I must be getting somewhere near the center of the earth. I wonder if I shall fall right through the earth! How funny that would be. Oh, I think I see the bottom. Yes, I'm sure I see the bottom. I shall hit the bottom, hit it very hard, and oh, how it will hurt!

A Woman of no Importance

MRS. ALLONBY: The Ideal Man! Oh, the Ideal Man should talk to us as if we were goddesses, and treat us as if we were children. He should refuse all our serious requests, and gratify every one of our whims. He should encourage us to have caprices, and forbid us to have missions. He should always say much more than he means, and always mean much more than he says. He should never run down other pretty women. That would show he had no taste, or make one suspect that he had too much. No; he should be nice about them all, but say that somehow they don't attract him. If we ask him a question about anything, he should give us an answer all about ourselves. He should invariably praise us for whatever qualities he knows we haven't got. But he should be pitiless, quite pitiless, in reproaching us for the virtues that we have never dreamed of possessing. He should never believe that we know the use of useful things. That would be unforgivable. But he should shower on us everything we don't want. He should persistently compromise us in public, and treat us with absolute respect when we are alone. And yet he should be always ready to have a perfectly terrible scene, whenever we want one, and to become miserable, absolutely miserable, at a moment's notice, and to overwhelm us with just reproaches in less than twenty minutes, and to be positively violent at the end of half an hour, and to leave us for ever at a quarter to eight, when we have to go and dress for dinner. And when, after that, one has seen him for really the last time, and he has refused to take back the little things he has given one, and promised never to communicate with one again, or to write one any foolish letters, he should be perfectly broken-hearted, and telegraph to one all day long, and send one little notes every half-hour by a private hansom, and dine quite alone at the club, so that every one should know how unhappy he was. And after a whole dreadful week, during which one has gone about everywhere with one's husband, just to show how absolutely lonely one was, he may be given a third last parting, in the evening, and then, if his conduct has been quite irreproachable, and one has behaved really badly to him, he should be allowed to admit that he has been entirely in the wrong, and when he has admitted that, it becomes a woman's duty to forgive, and one can do it all over again from the beginning, with variations.

Beauty IS a Beast

A whole play for children.
Cast of Characters
PRINCESS Beauty: (f) A spoiled princess who learns a lesson
HONOR: (f) Beauty’s kind sister
NICK: (m) A young strong peasant who meets Beauty
FAIRY: (f) Beauty’s fairy godmother
ANDRES: (m) A blind prince from a neighboring kingdom
*JANIE: (f) Nick’s sister
SCRIBE: (m/f) A royal servant
KING (or QUEEN): (m/f) Beauty and Honor’s father (or mother)
*TUTOR: (m/f) Beauty’s tutor who has trouble tutoring her
*GUARD: (m/f) A guard who makes Beauty’s life difficult

*NICK’s brothers and sisters: PETER, PATTY, CINDY, JIMMY, SAM, and MANDY

*PEASANTS with speaking roles: JILL, MEG, MAY, MARY, SARAH, TIM, JO, MOLLY, JOHN, SALLY, LADY

There are also numerous non-speaking parts: GUARDS, PEASANTS, PARTYGOERS, SERVANTS, CHILDREN

*Parts that can be doubled. The following are some suggested ways of doubling parts:
Guard/Peter
Janie/Tutor
Jo/Joe/Jill/Lady
Sarah/Sally/Cindy
Mary/Meg/Patty
Peter/Tim/Mayor(May)/John
Sam/Jimmy/Bill

This play can be performed with as few as 15 actors or with as many as desired.

Time and Place
The Kingdom of Callentine

Once upon a time…


INTRODUCTION

(A single light comes up on the Fairy)
FAIRY: Now how is this story supposed to start. Let’s see… Oh, yes. Once upon a time there was a princess named Beauty who was lovelier than anyone else in the entire kingdom. But wait, that’s not really when the story started. It really started long ago, in a land far, far away… when Beauty was just a baby. Perhaps I should start by saying twice upon a time… Anyway… There was a royal family… the royal family of Callentine who had brought peace to their kingdom and led everyone out of the Dark Ages… by inventing the light bulb. Just kidding. They were kind and fair rulers who did what was best for the people. As a reward for their good deeds, I decided to make their newborn daughter the most beautiful person in the world. But as you will soon see, making Beauty that way was a big mistake.
(FAIRY snaps her fingers and lights go to black)

SCENE 1

(Lights come up on a medieval village. A castle rises [C] above the peasants’ homes [L, R]. Villagers wander, going about their business. Two stop when they see the beautiful PRINCESS)

SARAH: Isn’t she the most beautiful thing you have ever seen?

MARY: She is a vision of perfection.
(The PRINCESS notices them talking about her)

SARAH: Her parents must have been truly good to receive such a treasure.

PRINCESS: (Angry) What are you two staring at?

MARY: (Nervous) We were just…

PRINCESS: (Mocks her) “You were just” what? Staring? Gawking? Why don’t you go somewhere and mind your own business?

SARAH: Forgive us, Princess.

MARY: We didn’t mean to offend you. We humbly beg forgiveness.
(SARAH and MARY rush away nervously)

PRINCESS: Yeah, well forgive this.
(She throws stones at them)
Ha! Got them.
(Laughs)
That’ll teach them.

TUTOR: (He comes from castle) Must you treat the peasants that way?

PRINCESS: (Pulls his long beard) I must!

TUTOR: Can’t you behave like a lady?

PRINCESS: I will, if you will! (Laughs)

TUTOR: Quit acting like such a beast!

PRINCESS: Don’t call me names or I’ll have Daddy chop off your head like he did to the rest of my tutors.

TUTOR: I meant it in the kindest way.
(She smiles at his change in tone. She throws another stone at a passing peasant)
I’m just worried about you. You don’t seem to care for anyone or anything. Someday you’ll insult the wrong person and you’ll be sorry.

PRINCESS: No, it’s them who will be sorry. Guards!
(GUARDS appear and she points to TUTOR)
Take him away.

TUTOR: What? What did I do?

PRINCESS: He bores me. Off with his head.
(Laughs as the GUARDS drag him off screaming)
So what is on my schedule today?
(She snaps her fingers and a SCRIBE appears in a hurry)

SCRIBE: (Nervously struggling to hold on to numerous scrolls in his arms) Yes, Princess?

PRINCESS: (Knocks all the scrolls out of his arms) Read me my schedule.

SCRIBE: (Scrambles to find the right scroll on the ground) Well, you have a hair appointment at 9, a dress fitting at 10, a…

PRINCESS: Enough! I want to have a party instead.

SCRIBE: But Princess…

PRINCESS: BUT WHAT?
(PEASANTS stop to see what is going on)

SCRIBE: But of course… I’ll go arrange it immediately.

PRINCESS: Good scribe. (Pats him on the head) You always keep your head about you.

SCRIBE: Yes, quite. (EXITS)
PRINCESS: (To PEASANTS) What are you staring at?
(They scrabble away)

HONOR: (ENTERS) Hello, sister. How are you this fair day?

PRINCESS: Are you really that nice or are you just pretending?

HONOR: What ever do you mean good sister?

PRINCESS: You’re always so sweet. Don’t you ever get sick of being sweet?

HONOR: (Laughs) Oh, sister, you always speak in such strange riddles. You always make me laugh.

PRINCESS: And you always make me sick.

HONOR: Where is your fair scribe off to?

PRINCESS: He is preparing a party.

HONOR: Oh, dear.

PRINCESS: Oh, dear, what?

HONOR: I already had a party planned.

PRINCESS: You? You never have parties. You’re not the popular one.

HONOR: I know. I thought it was a silly idea too, but father insisted.

PRINCESS: Whatever for?

HONOR: Well… uh…
(Blushes)

PRINCESS: Well… uh… WHAT?

HONOR: You see… uh…

PRINCESS: Out with it, girl!

HONOR: There’s this prince…

PRINCESS: What prince?

HONOR: Prince Andres of Acrime.

PRINCESS: Never heard of him.

HONOR: He is soon to be the king of Acrime.

PRINCESS: Acrime? Where the devil is that?

HONOR: Sister? Did you not learn your geography lessons?

PRINCESS: Who cares about stupid geography?
HONOR: Well, Acrime is the large kingdom East of here. Daddy says the kingdom is larger than ours.

PRINCESS: Larger than ours?! Impossible.

HONOR: You’re probably right.

PRINCESS: So why are you having a party for this prince?
(HONOR blushes and is silent)
Oh, I know! The party is for me! So I can meet Andres. And I spoiled the surprise. How horrible of me. Well, I will be sufficiently surprised when you introduce me.

HONOR: Well, actually…

PRINCESS: I know you don’t want me to lie but it isn’t really lying. We wouldn’t want to disappoint father.

HONOR: But…

PRINCESS: I must hurry and get on my most lovely dress. I want to look my best for our guest. Not that I don’t always look my best. I know one can’t improve on perfect beauty, but I shall try.
(PRINCESS exits happily)

HONOR: (Sad) Actually, the party was for me.
(EXITS. FAIRY appears)

FAIRY: Ahhh. Poor Honor. That girl has put up with so much. Beauty has always treated her so badly, but Honor continues to be as kind as ever. I must do something for Honor. I must reward her for her goodness in some way. Maybe I could give her a golden

brush… a magic mirror… Oh, I know….
(Snaps her fingers)
How about a handsome prince?
(ANDRES walks in. Stands proudly)
Yes, that should do nicely. That will infuriate Beauty for sure.
(Thinks)
But how can I keep Beauty from stealing him? Oh, I know.
(Snaps her fingers and ANDRES stumbles and waves his arms around)
I’ll make him blind. That will protect him from Beauty’s powers.
(FAIRY disappears. PEASANTS go about their business until they see ANDRES)

SAM: Look! Over there. A stranger.

JANIE: He looks like a prince.

MEG: That’s Prince Andres of Acrime.

TIM: He’s rich.

JO: And powerful.

SAM: He must be here to see our Princess Beauty.

JANIE: Or maybe he’s here to see her sister, Honor.

MEG: But Beauty is so much prettier.

TIM: But Honor is so much nicer.

JO: Maybe he’s here to see us.

SAM: Dream on.

ANDRES: Good peasants.
(ANDRES is guided by servants because of his blindness)

JANIE: Hello, good prince.

ANDRES: Is this the castle of the fair princess of Callentine?

MEG: Maybe. Which princess?

ANDRES: Oh, yes. There is more than one.

TIM: Beauty and Honor.

ANDRES: Yes. This is the castle I seek. Thank you good people.
(He tosses them gold coins)

JO: Thank you good sir!
(ANDRES exits with servants)

SAM: But he never said whom he was coming for.

MEG: I’m sure we’ll find out. No one can ever keep a secret in this kingdom.

JANIE: Why are you looking at me?

TIM: Come, we’re late for the party.
(THEY all rush off to the party and FAIRY reappears)

FAIRY: I just love a party. They might as well call it a surprise party because Beauty is going to get the surprise of her life.
(Smiles)
And she ain’t gonna like it one bit.
(Snaps her fingers and lights go black)

SCENE 2: PARTY

(Many people are attending the party. Everyone is in fancy costumes and dances to the music. HONOR and the KING join in. BEAUTY hangs back and looks pretty)

HONOR: (After dancing) Come dance the next dance, sister.

PRINCESS: I don’t want to mess up my dress.

HONOR: But it’s so fun.

PRINCESS: There are some things more important than having fun.

HONOR: Like what?

PRINCESS: Go and enjoy yourself. I’ll wait here for the prince to arrive.

HONOR: He already has.

PRINCESS: What? And he didn’t say hi to me yet. Hasn’t he spotted my absolute beauty? Hasn’t he seen how radiant I am today?

HONOR: Uh… Beauty.

PRINCESS: What?

HONOR: He hasn’t seen anything.

PRINCESS: What do you mean?

HONOR: He’s blind.

PRINCESS: Blind? You mean he can’t see?

HONOR: I’m afraid not.

PRINCESS: He can’t even see my beautiful new dress?

HONOR: I’m sorry.

PRINCESS: (Nervous) Then… then I’ll have to go talk to him.

HONOR: That would be a lovely idea.

PRINCESS: Yes, talk. I can do that.

HONOR: Come. I’ll introduce you.

PRINCESS: Yes, yes. Okay. Just give me a minute.

HONOR: I’ll bring him over.
(HONOR goes to get ANDRES)

PRINCESS: Oh, dear. What am I going to say? What can we
talk about? “What do you think of my hair?” No, I can’t say that. “What do you think of my shoes?” No, that won’t work either. What shall I do?

HONOR: (Brings over ANDRES) Andres. This is my sister, Beauty.

(ANDRES holds out his hand. PRINCESS reluctantly reaches out her hand. ANDRES takes her hand)

ANDRES: It is a pleasure to meet you.
(He kisses her hand)

PRINCESS: So good to meet you too.
(Silence)
Uh, so. How do you like my… I mean… how do you like…

ANDRES: The party?

PRINCESS: Yes.

ANDRES: It’s wonderful. Especially the music. I love the music.

PRINCESS: I hadn’t noticed.

ANDRES: It’s delightful.
(Silence)

PRINCESS: Well, guess you want to run along.

ANDRES: Honor did say she was going to give me a tour of the kingdom after the party. I’m looking forward to it.

PRINCESS: You are?

HONOR: It’s such a beautiful day outside. It should be lovely.

ANDRES: Your sister has been so kind to me. I wish I’d heard about your kingdom years ago.

PRINCESS: (Insincere) Yes, me too.

HONOR: Come, Andres. Let’s have one more dance.

PRINCESS: You can dance?

ANDRES: Well, not really.

HONOR: But I can’t either, so we make perfect partners.

ANDRES: We do!

PRINCESS: Yes, I guess you do.
(Another dance begins and HONOR and ANDRES join in. PRINCESS watches unhappily)
Some sister Honor is. She goes and steals my prince.

PRINCESS: Well, I’ll show her. When I’m declared Queen of the Ball, as usual, then Andres will realize who the best princess is.

KING: Attention everyone! Attention!
(Everyone gathers around)
We now must crown the Queen of the Ball.
(PRINCESS crosses to her father proudly)
And for the first time, the voting was unanimous. The envelope please.
(SCRIBE brings envelope)
And the winner is… Princess Honor.
(HONOR is shocked, as is PRINCESS. ANDRES cheers, as do the PEOPLE)

PEOPLE and ANDRES: Hip-hip hurray! Hip-hip hurray.
(HONOR is crowned and given flowers. She is embarrassed)

HONOR: This is such a special day for me. I will remember this always.

KING: As our Queen of the Ball, you have the opportunity to make one royal decree.

PRINCESS: (to a nearby person) No one can top my last one: a chance to vote on which dress I look best in. I spent a whole day modeling my dresses. What a chore.

HONOR: As Queen of the Ball, I decree that tomorrow will be a holiday.

PEOPLE: No work! Hurray.

HONOR: And we will have a feast for ALL the people of our kingdom. Rich and poor.

PEOPLE: Hurray!

HONOR: And…

PRINCESS: She’s only allowed one thing. That’s two.
(She is totally ignored)

HONOR: We… we…
(HONOR is totally embarrassed. ANDRES steps forward)

ANDRES: Tomorrow we will have a wedding. Honor has agreed to marry me.

PRINCESS: What?

PEOPLE: Hip-hip hurray! Hip-hip hurray!
(PEOPLE crowd around ANDRES and HONOR and they all hurry off stage excitedly. SERVANTS linger, cleaning up)

PRINCESS: I can’t believe this. They didn’t even notice me today. I might as well be invisible.
(FAIRY godmother appears)

FAIRY: That can be arranged.
(She taps PRINCESS with her wand.)

PRINCESS: Hey! What did you just do?

FAIRY: I made you invisible.

PRINCESS: You did?

FAIRY: I did. You have been the center of attention for too long. It’s time you learned what it’s like not to be noticed.

PRINCESS: Who do you think you are?

FAIRY: I’m your fairy godmother.

PRINCESS: Aren’t you supposed to be nice to me?

FAIRY: I was once. I’m the one who made you beautiful when you were a baby. Now I’m here to correct my error.

PRINCESS: Error. That was no error.

FAIRY: It was Beauty. You may be lovely on the outside but you
are ugly on the inside.

PRINCESS: How dare you call me ugly!

FAIRY: You must stay invisible until you learn…

PRINCESS: Invisible huh? This could be fun.
(She kicks a servant who thinks its another one. They get in a fight as a result)
Oh, how lovely.
(She pulls another servant’s hair)

FAIRY: Oh, dear.
(PRINCESS picks up something and makes it float around)

MOLLY: It’s a ghost.
(SERVANTS scream and run out)

PRINCESS: This is great!

FAIRY: Maybe I need to rethink this.
(Zaps PRINCESS and she freezes)
Perhaps there is another way.
(She waves her wand)
Zippidy – wippidy – mippidy – do. You pick on servants and now they will pick on you!
(PRINCESS collapses and BLACKOUT)





SCENE 3

(KING, HONOR, and ANDRES gather to talk to the SCRIBE)

KING: This is dreadful. Are you sure she is nowhere to be found?

SCRIBE: I’m sorry, my king. We have looked everywhere. She has just disappeared.

HONOR: This is all my fault.

ANDRES: No, it isn’t.

HONOR: Yes, I never should have hosted that ball. Beauty is the one who always has them. It’s terrible of me to take that from her. She must be so mad at me.

KING: You are just as able to have parties as she is. She has no right to be upset about that.

HONOR: I must find her and talk to her. She must be devastated.

ANDRES: We will search everywhere for her, my princess. We won’t stop until we find her.

KING: (To the SCRIBE)
Gather every available person. The search must begin immediately. A hundred pieces of gold to the one that finds her.

SCRIBE: Yes, my king.

(They all depart)

FAIRY: This is all going according to my plan. Yes, I have a plan, believe it or not. You think I’m making this up as I go along, don’t you? Well, you’ll see. This story will have a happy ending. I’ll bet my wand on it. Now, to check on Beauty.
(Snaps fingers and blackout)

SCENE 4

(Outside the castle there is a strong man contest going on.
Different people compete, trying the lift various objects)

MAYOR: Now we’re down to two men. Nick and Joe. Joe will go first.

JOE: No problem.
(Crowd cheers him on. He strains and doesn’t pick up the object)

MAYOR: Now you, Nick.

NICK: I’ll give it a try.
(Tries to lift it. Strains. Then does. Crowd goes wild)

MAYOR: Nick is the winner!
(Girls wave to him and blow kisses. Guys pat him on the back and shake his hand)

NICK: Thank you everyone. You are too kind.

MAYOR: And your prize.
(Hands over bag)

NICK: Five pieces of gold! That will feed my whole family for a month.

MAYOR: Congratulations.

NICK: Wow!

JILL: That’s quite a prize.

NICK: You can say that again.

JILL: Do you need someone to help you spend it?

NICK: I plan using this to feed all my brothers and sisters.

JILL: Oh, you’re no fun. Come on. Live a little. Let’s throw a party.

NICK: I’m not going to waste this money on some silly party.

JILL: I’ll dance every dance with you. I won’t leave your side.

NICK: No, Jill. Forget it. I’d rather feed my family a month, then play for a day.

JILL: Would you do it for a kiss?

NICK: Good-bye, Jill.

JILL: Fine. Be that way. There are a million boys that like me.
I’ll go dance with one of them.

NICK: You do that.
MAYOR: Jill certainly is a beautiful girl, Nick. How come you don’t like her?

NICK: She doesn’t understand how important this money is to my family.

MAYOR: I must say I admire you, my boy. Not many young men your age would give up everything for a bunch of little orphan kids.

NICK: As far as I know I haven’t given up anything for them. My family and I have food, clothes, and a roof over our heads. What more could anyone want?

MAYOR: You got me there. Come, I want to introduce you to some friends of mine.

(MAYOR and NICK exit. PRINCESS enters in rags. She is completely messed up. She is dizzy and confused)

PRINCESS: Where am I?

MEG: Who are you?

PRINCESS: I’m Beauty.

JOHN: That’s a funny name.

PRINCESS: What’s so funny about it?

SALLY: Well, you’re not exactly…
(NICK enters and notices the PRINCESS is upset)


PRINCESS: (Notices her clothing)
Oh, what happened? Where are my lovely dresses? Who did this to me?
(Realizes)
My fairy godmother did this. Where are you? I demand you come
to me immediately.

MEG: She’s crazy.

SALLY: Let’s go, Meg.
(NICK goes up to PRINCESS)

MEG: See you later, crazy girl.

SALLY: (To MEG as they go)
They should call her Ugly, not Beauty.

BEAUTY: Yeah, well, if I weren’t so nice, I’d call you a thing or two.

NICK: What seems to be the trouble?
(PRINCESS notices how handsome NICK is)

PRINCESS: Uh… hi. I seem to have been greatly wronged and am seeking restitution.

NICK: Oh…

PRINCESS: Believe it or not, I am Princess Beauty.
(NICK tries not to laugh)
What’s so funny?

NICK: It’s just that… you look nothing like her.

PRINCESS: I know. My fairy godmother did this too me.

NICK: I thought fairy godmothers were supposed to be helpful.

PRINCESS: So did I. Where is she?
(Yells)
This isn’t funny, fairy godmother. If you don’t turn me back now, you’ll be sorry.

NICK: If you’re really Beauty, why don’t you just go home and tell them what happened? You can take a bath and get cleaned up and it will be okay.

PRINCESS: That’s an excellent idea.
(She marches up to the castle gate)
Hello, you stupid servants. Let me in. It’s Princess Beauty.
(They scramble and rush to open the door. But they stop her)
Get out of my way.

GUARD: Sorry, but you’re not Princess Beauty.

PRINCESS: I am so.

GUARD: You can’t possibly be.

PRINCESS: Step aside. I want to see my father.

GUARD: No way! Back off.

PRINCESS: Don’t touch me.
(They push her out and she lands on the ground)

GUARD: And don’t try that again or we’ll throw you in the dungeon.
PRINCESS: (Cries)
Now what am I going to do?

NICK: (Helps her up)
Do you have anywhere else to go?

PRINCESS: No. No where.

NICK: Come with me. We’ll get you cleaned up and fed. Then we’ll decide what to do.
(NICK takes PRINCESS by the hand and leads her away)

HONOR: (Comes to gate)
Have you seen any sign of my sister?

GUARD: No, Princess.

HONOR: No one else has seen her?

GUARD: Oh, sure. Lots of people have come claiming the reward your father offered. They say she’s anywhere from the stables to the moon. We even had one peasant come and claim she WAS Princess Beauty.

HONOR: Really?

GUARD: She looked nothing like her. She was all dirty and ugly.

HONOR: Didn’t you offer to help her?

GUARD: Uh, well…

HONOR: We should help all the people of our kingdom, especially those who are suffering.

GUARD: I’m very sorry, Princess. I will not error again.

HONOR: Please let us know immediately if there is any sign of Beauty.
(HONOR exits)

BILL: Hey there! I found her. I found the Princess Beauty!
(Points off L. LADY appears)

LADY: (Old and strange and dressed quite funny)
Here I am!
(They laugh as the lights fade to black. A spotlight comes up on FAIRY)

FAIRY: Well, well, well. Beauty has found herself a handsome peasant boy. A most unexpected development. A most unexpected and PLEASANT peasant development. A day or so among the “little people” might be exactly what Beauty needs to see things differently. Now for the difficult part. I must teleport all of you into Nick’s tiny home. It’s much smaller than this castle here. If you don’t mind I’ll have to shrink you down a bit. You will be no bigger than mice. You must all agree to stay in hiding though. Oh, yes and watch out for the family cat. He gets awful hungry this time of day. Everyone ready? Here we go.
(Snaps her fingers and black out)
What happened to the lights? What’s going on here? Did someone forget to pay the light bill? This is ridiculous.
(Remembers the audience. Turns on a small light)
Oh. I suppose all of you are more upset than I am about this. Now, no one panic. I’ve got everything under control.
(Her little light goes out)
I think.


SCENE 5

(NICK takes PRINCESS to his humble home. It’s a simple peasant’s home)

NICK: Here we are.

PRINCESS: (Not pleased) Oh.

NICK: What’s wrong?

PRINCESS: You live here?

NICK: That’s right. You’re used to your huge castle and all your fancy stuff.

PRINCESS: You’re making fun of me aren’t you?

NICK: I’m sorry. It’s just a little hard to believe you’re the princess.

PRINCESS: Well, I don’t care what you think. I’ll get along just fine without you.

NICK: Now, don’t be like that. You’re welcome to stay as long as you like. Aren’t you hungry?
(Holds out some bread to her)

PRINCESS: (Eyes bread) Just a little.

NICK: Then eat.
(She takes it and eats greedily)
You are hungry.

PRINCESS: Where’s that big family of yours you told me about on the way over here?

NICK: They’re probably out for their afternoon walk.
(Hears them coming)
There they are now.
(They march in happily)

PETER: Hello, Nick!

NICK: Hello, family. I have great news.

PATTY: You found a goose that lays golden eggs?

NICK: Almost as good. I won the strong man contest. I won five pieces of gold.

KIDS: WOW! Way to go.

JANIE: That’s wonderful. That can feed us for a year.

NICK: Well, maybe not a year, but it will sure help.

CINDY: (She notices PRINCESS) Who’s this, Nick?

JIMMY: Is it your girlfriend?

NICK: This is a friend in need.

SAM: What’s her name?

PRINCESS: Beauty. My name is Beauty.
(Some of the kids laugh)

JANIE: Don’t laugh. Even though she may not be beautiful on the outside, she must be beautiful on the inside. That’s the most important Beauty.

NICK: Well said, sister.

JANIE: Children. Run along and do your chores. Dinner will be ready soon.
(KIDS leave except for JANIE and NICK)

PRINCESS: If only that were true. I’m afraid I’m ugly inside and out.

JANIE: You mustn’t say that.

PRINCESS: But I am ugly on the inside. That’s why I was turned ugly on the outside too, because that’s all that was important to me.

JANIE: Come with me. Let’s fix you up and we’ll see if we can’t find that beauty again.

(JANIE and PRINCESS exit out back L. There is a knock R)

NICK: (Answers door)
Yes?

SCRIBE: I am the royal scribe. We are offering a reward for anyone who knows where Princess Beauty is. 100 pieces of gold.

NICK: 100 pieces? That’s a fortune!

SCRIBE: So if you see her…

NICK: I will let you know.

SCRIBE: Good day.

NICK: Uh, wait a minute. How do I know if it’s her?

SCRIBE: She’s the most beautiful woman in the kingdom. You can’t miss her.

NICK: But what if something happened? What if she got dirty or messed up somehow? How could you tell it was she?

SCRIBE: That’s a good question. Let me see… Oh, I know. She has a birthmark on her foot. You can’t miss it when she takes off her shoes, which she rarely does. It’s the one imperfection in her perfect beauty.

NICK: Thank you. I’ll let you know.

SCRIBE: Good day, then.

NICK: (Puts two and two together)
I wonder…
(There’s another knock at the door)
Who could that be?

JILL: Hi, Nick.

NICK: Oh, hi, Jill.

JILL: Aren’t you happy to see me?

NICK: Well…

JILL: I decided to forgive you for insulting me today.

NICK: You have, huh?

JILL: Yes, you were such a brute to me, but I can’t help myself. I still like you.

NICK: Lucky me.

JILL: So do you still want to go to the dance with me?

NICK: I already told you…

JILL: It won’t cost us anything. I hear Princess Honor is paying for everything.

NICK: Princess Honor?

JILL: It’s her wedding ball. Everyone is invited. And it’s free!

NICK: I heard it was canceled.

JILL: What?!

NICK: Princess Honor refuses to get married until Beauty is found.

JILL: Leave it to Beauty to ruin my plans. I hope they never find her.

NICK: That’s a terrible thing to say.

JILL: She’s so mean and awful. The only good thing about her is
her looks.

NICK: I’m sure she’s a good, honest person like the rest of us.

JILL: I doubt it.

NICK: So I guess we don’t have to worry about the dance now.

JILL: I guess not. Do you want to go for a walk instead?

NICK: No, thanks.

JILL: Why not?

NICK: I have company.

JILL: You always have company.

NICK: Guess you’ll be going then…

JILL: What’s his name?

NICK: Whose name?

JILL: Your guest?

NICK: You mean, her name?

JILL: It’s a “her?”

NICK: Actually, she says she’s Princess Beauty but she looks nothing like her.

JILL: So do you like her?

NICK: I just met her.

JILL: But do you like her?

NICK: There’s something about her… something special…

JILL: I can see I’m not wanted. I better go.

NICK: Please don’t be mad, Jill.

JILL: But I thought you liked me?

NICK: I do… as… a friend…

JILL: But I’m so beautiful. How could you not like me?

NICK: There are more important things than beauty…

JILL: Fine, then. Good-bye… forever.
(She runs out)

NICK: I’d be worried about her but she said the same thing to me last week.
(KIDS return)
Are you finished with your chores?
(They nod)
Are you washed up for dinner?
(They look at each other nervously)
NICK: You know the rules. No washing. No dinner.
(They reluctantly exit to wash up but stop when they see PRINCESS enter)
Wow. You look great.
(Kids nod)
What did you do, Janie?

JANIE: A little scrubbing and a nice dress did a little bit of magic.

SAM: You’re pretty.

CINDY: Nick thinks so, too.

NICK: Run along kids and wash up.
(They do)

JANIE: What’s wrong, Beauty?

PRINCESS: I don’t understand why you’ve been so kind to me.
I’ve never done anything for you. I don’t have money to give you or anything else.

NICK: We are always willing to help those in need.

JANIE: Before they died, mother and father made us promise to always help people.

NICK: Half these kids aren’t even really our brothers and sisters. They’re orphans.

JANIE: Like us.

PRINCESS: But why? You don’t owe them anything.

NICK: There’s more to life than owing people something.

JANIE: I best go out and get the stew. It’s cooking over the fire outside.

NICK: And Beauty can help serve.

PRINCESS: Serve?

NICK: Would you mind?

PRINCESS: I’ve never served anyone.

NICK: This is a good time to start.

PRINCESS: Do I have to?

JANIE: She’s our guest Nick. She shouldn’t need to.

NICK: Whatever you say.
(JANIE exits)
I can’t believe you.

PRINCESS: What?

NICK: Janie was nice enough to clean you up and give you her best dress. Now you won’t help her with dinner.

PRINCESS: But I’m a princess. We don’t serve.

NICK: You’re a spoiled brat is what you are.

PRINCESS: How dare you!

NICK: How dare you.

PRINCESS: What about you?

NICK: Huh?

PRINCESS: I don’t see you serving either.

NICK: But I’m a man.

PRINCESS: Well, who’s the spoiled brat now?

NICK: That’s different.

PRINCESS: Oh, I see. The women serve the men. That’s how it works.

NICK: It’s no worse than EVERYONE having to serve the princess.

PRINCESS: It’s a totally different thing all together.

NICK: Wait, wait. Let’s not fight. I have an idea. Why don’t we both go help Janie?

PRINCESS: I suppose that would be a good compromise.

NICK: Let’s do it.
(Kids enter as they exit)

PATTY: There go Nick and his girlfriend.

CINDY: He likes her doesn’t he?

PETER: I’ll bet he marries her.

JIMMY: He will not.

PETER: Will so.

JIMMY: Will not.
(JANIE enters with kettle, followed by PRINCESS and NICK with bowls)

PATTY: Dinner!

JANIE: Sit children and we’ll serve you.

CINDY: I want Beauty to serve me.
(PRINCESS sighs and gives a bowl to CINDY)

JIMMY: I want Beauty to serve me too.
(PRINCESS does)

PETER: Me too.

JIMMY: Me first!

PRINCESS: (Throws down a bowl)
What do I look like? A servant?

JIMMY: (Cries) She yelled at me!

PRINCESS: Oh, golly.

JANIE: (Tries to comfort him)
It’s okay, Jimmy. She didn’t mean it.

PRINCESS: Quiet! I can’t stand all that noise.
(Other kids start to cry)
Ah!

NICK: (To PRINCESS)
Now, look here. You can’t go around and yell at my family.
We’ve tried to be nice to you and look how you treat us.

PRINCESS: Fine, I’ll leave.

MANDY: (Youngest girl stops her)
Beauty. Please don’t go.

PRINCESS: I…

MANDY: You can stay. I’ll take care of you. I’ll feed you and make you pretty dresses.

PRINCESS: (Plops down and cries)
It doesn’t matter what I do. You all still like me. I don’t understand.

MANDY: It’s because you’re beautiful.

PRINCESS: Not anymore.

MANDY: I can see it inside you.

PRINCESS: (Hugs MANDY)
Thank you.

MANDY: (To NICK)
Please let her stay.

OTHER KIDS: Please.

NICK: Only if she cleans up that bowl of stew she threw down.

MANDY: I’ll do it for her.

NICK: No. Only she can do it or she needs to go.

MANDY: Please, Beauty. Please clean it up. We want you to stay.

JIMMY: I’m not mad at you. Please, don’t leave.

PRINCESS: Fine. I’ll clean it up.

KIDS: Yeah!
(PRINCESS starts to clean)

JANIE: That’s good enough.

NICK: No, she has to clean it all.
(PRINCESS continues)

PRINCESS: Hey, you know. This isn’t so bad. In fact, it’s almost fun. Give me a broom, I want to clean the rest of the room.
(CINDY gets her a broom)
This is fun.

NICK: Okay, okay. You did it. You can stop now.

PRINCESS: No, this is great. I’ve never had this kind of fun.

NICK: I’ve created a monster.
(KIDS cheer PRINCESS on as lights fade to black)

FAIRY: (A light appears on her)
And clean she did. Beauty attacked every piece of dirt like she was dueling an evil, fire-breathing dragon. “Take that, dirt. Take that!” She had never done anything as difficult, or as fun, or as wonderful. She cleaned until the sun faded in the West and she couldn’t see the end of the broom anymore. She was tired but happy… and forever transformed.

SCENE 6
(PRINCESS is sitting, her feet propped up on a chair. She is
Tired from cleaning. It is night. A candle is lit)

NICK: (Enters quietly)
You’re finally done?

PRINCESS: I even cleaned the bottom of the table.

NICK: (Looks under it)
I can’t believe it.

PRINCESS: I’ve never enjoyed myself that much before. And I’ve never been this tired.

NICK: You were incredible. It would have taken us a week to do that much cleaning. You have paid us back and more.

PRINCESS: Finally, a compliment.

NICK: I have been kind of hard on you.

PRINCESS: Kind of? I’ve never been treated so poorly.

NICK: This was definitely a day of firsts for you.

PRINCESS: You can say that again.
(She moans)

NICK: What’s wrong?

PRINCESS: My feet. They hurt so badly.

NICK: It’s those shoes. They look too small for you.

PRINCESS: Maybe so.

NICK: Can I take them off for you?

PRINCESS: No, that’s okay. I’m fine.

NICK: No, really. I’ll rub them for you.

PRINCESS: Oooh. A foot rub. How I miss those.

NICK: May I?

PRINCESS: No.

NICK: Please.

PRINCESS: Oh, I’m too tired to argue.
(He sits and she rests her feet in his lap)
I’ll have to warn you…

NICK: (Removes her shoes. He stares, stunned) The birthmark.

PRINCESS: Isn’t it ugly?

NICK: Ah… aah…
(Speechless)

PRINCESS: Nick? What’s wrong?

NICK: You’re the princess!

PRINCESS: I’ve been trying to tell you that.

NICK: (Falls on his knees) Oh, your highness. I’m so sorry.

PRINCESS: Nick, please don’t grovel. That’s why I liked you. You didn’t feel like you had to treat me that way. I’m just a normal peasant girl now.

NICK: But why?

PRINCESS: My stupid fairy godmother did this to me. Correction: My smart fairy godmother. She’s made me like cleaning.
(Yells out)
It worked, fairy godmother. It worked! I’m happy not being a beauty.
(Looks at NICK)
I never thought I could live without my beauty, but I guess I can.
(CINDY and SAM wander in unnoticed)

NICK: Who said you weren’t beautiful?

PRINCESS: I look dreadful.

NICK: I don’t think you look so bad.
(CINDY motions in other KIDS)

PRINCESS: Really?

NICK: Really. You look good enough to kiss.
(He leans in and KIDS start giggling)
What are you all doing in here? You’re supposed to be in bed.

MANDY: We wanted to see you kiss her.
(KIDS giggle)

NICK: Go back to bed.
(KIDS exit)
Sorry about that.

PRINCESS: That’s okay.

NICK: So what do we do now?

PRINCESS: I don’t know.

NICK: Should I go get the Scribe? We can show him your birthmark and then you can go home.

PRINCESS: And you can get your hundred gold pieces for
bringing me back home.

NICK: How did you know about that?

PRINCESS: Janie told me.

NICK: I don’t want any reward.

PRINCESS: You’re crazy not to take it.

NICK: I should be paying them a hundred pieces of gold for letting me spend time with you.

PRINCESS: But I’ve been terrible to you and your family.

NICK: You may have upset me at times. But there’s something about you. The way you are that makes me never want to let you go. It’s not your beauty, it’s you.

PRINCESS: Oh, Nick. (They hug)

NICK: Your fairy godmother took the beauty on the outside and put it on the inside.

PRINCESS: Thank you.

NICK: No, let’s thank your fairy godmother.
(FAIRY appears)

FAIRY: You called?

PRINCESS: There you are! I ought to…
(Grabs her)
Give you a big hug.

FAIRY: Well, this is certainly a change.

PRINCESS: I can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done.

FAIRY: Perhaps I over did it a bit.

NICK: I suppose you’re going to change her back now.

FAIRY: I can and I will.

PRINCESS: No, wait. I just got used to being this way.

NICK: But don’t you want to be a princess?

PRINCESS: But if I become a princess, I can’t be with you.

NICK: You’d give all that up for me.

PRINCESS: You and your family were so good to me. You’re the first one to care for me for who I am, not what I look like. And I
feel so good. Before I just felt bad all the time.

FAIRY: Oh, what to do, what to do. Fairy godmother rules say I must change you back since you learned your lesson.

PRINCESS: Can’t you break them, just this once?

NICK: But what about your family, Beauty. They’re worried about you. If you don’t go back…

PRINCESS: Oh, my goodness. I forgot about them. How awful of me.

FAIRY: Nobody’s perfect.

PRINCESS: Especially not me.

FAIRY: What will it be, Beauty?

PRINCESS: Why can’t I have both?

FAIRY: Both?

PRINCESS: Both Nick and my family.

NICK: Beauty?

PRINCESS: Yes, Nick.

NICK: You must go home.

PRINCESS: But, Nick…

NICK: Your family needs you. I know what it’s like to lose someone you love. It leaves an emptiness in your life that you can never fill. When my parents died…

PRINCESS: If you think that’s what’s best…

NICK: I do.

PRINCESS: But I don’t want to become so mean and terrible again.

FAIRY: You can be any way you want to be now. I promise.

PRINCESS: Then I better go.

NICK: I’ll miss you, Beauty.
(Takes her hands)

PRINCESS: I’ll miss you too.

FAIRY: Ready?

PRINCESS: Ready.

FAIRY: Here we go!
(ZAP! And lights go black)

PRINCESS: It’s so dark.

FAIRY: Something’s wrong?

PRINCESS: Are we home yet?

NICK: (Runs into something)
I’m afraid not.
(There is a knock at the door)
I wonder who that is. I guess we’ll never know because I can’t
find the door.

FAIRY: Now what’s the spell for turning on lights.
(She claps her hands twice)
Clap on!
(The lights return)
That was easy.

NICK: I’ve got the door.
(Opens it)

JANIE: It’s me, Nick. I’ve brought someone.
(She leads in HONOR and the KING with SCRIBE and GUARDS)

PRINCESS: Sister! Father!
(She runs and hugs them)

KING: Beauty? Is it really you?

HONOR: What happened to you?

PRINCESS: Something wonderful.

KING: I don’t understand.

PRINCESS: I haven’t been the nicest person in the world and my fairy godmother here decided to turn me inside out.

HONOR: I’m so glad your safe.

PRINCESS: I don’t know what would have happened to me if it hadn’t been for Nick.

KING: Nick?

NICK: (On his knees)
Yes, your highness.

KING: Please rise.
(The kids all start to gather)
Hello, children.

CINDY: Are you really the king?

KING: I’m really the king.

CINDY: I don’t believe you.

NICK: Cindy, show some respect.

KING: That’s okay. She seems like a sweet girl.

PRINCESS: Thank you all for taking care of me. You’ve all been
so wonderful.

MANDY: Are you leaving us?

SAM: Please, don’t go.

NICK: She must go. She’s a princess.

PRINCESS: But… I can’t just go back to the way I was. I like
my new life.

KING: What are you saying? You don’t want to come home?

PRINCESS: I just don’t want to be who I was before. I can never
be as good as Honor.

HONOR: What do you mean?

PRINCESS: I’m still not as beautiful as you are, sister. I don’t think I ever can be.

HONOR: But you are the most beautiful woman in the kingdom.

PRINCESS: I used to think so, but not anymore. Now I think you’ve always been the most beautiful, we just couldn’t see it.

FAIRY: I can return your beauty to you now.

PRINCESS: No, I don’t think I want my beauty anymore.

NICK: I think you’re beautiful now.

PETER: Don’t change, Beauty.

PRINCESS: I don’t think I will.

HONOR: Father? Can’t we let Beauty stay here?

KING: My daughter? A peasant? Never.

HONOR: Then why don’t you get rid of the peasants.

NICK: What?!

HONOR: That sounded terrible. What I mean is why don’t you make all the peasants nobles, lords, and ladies? We can give them all some of our riches and they can all live as well as we do.

KING: I suppose we could do that.

PRINCESS: Oh, please, father.

KING: Okay. We’ll do it!

ALL: Hurray!

KING: We will open the royal treasuries. We’ll give away all our excess clothes and food. No one will ever suffer in our kingdom again!

ALL: Hurray!

KING: And we’ll start with our friends Nick and Janie.

NICK: Please, your highness. We don’t need anything. We are happy as we are.

KING: What?

JANIE: We have everything we need.

KING: But you don’t have silver plates and purple robes. You don’t have golden chairs and fuzzy slippers.

PRINCESS: All things we can live without.

HONOR: How about no more taxes?

NICK: It’s a deal.
(Shakes KING’s hand)

KING: No… no… no more taxes. Are you sure we can do that?

HONOR: Yes, father. We can. We have more money than we know what to do with and soon I’ll be married to Andres and living in his kingdom.

KING: Then who will lead my kingdom?

PRINCESS: Perhaps Nick would be willing.

NICK: Me?

PRINCESS: You could make him a prince, father.

NICK: Me?

PRINCESS: And then we could get married.

NICK and KING: Married?

KIDS: Hurray!

HONOR: I think it’s a wonderful idea!

KING: I think we’re out voted, Nick.

NICK: It looks that way.

KING: This is certainly one of the most unusual things that has ever happened in my kingdom.

PRINCESS: You can say that again.

NICK: You sure this is what you want to do, Beauty.

PRINCESS: I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.
(They hug)

HONOR: It looks like we’re going to have a double wedding!

KIDS: Hurray!

PETER: I get to be best man!

CINDY: I get to be the maid of honor.

MANDY: I want to be the flower girl.

KING: What have I gotten myself into?
(Lights fade to black)

FAIRY: (A light comes up on her. She’s sobbing happily) Wasn’t that a touching story? Oh, I’m sorry. I’m a sucker for a happy ending.
(Gets herself under control)
Things were never the same in the kingdom again. Peasants were freed from their burden of taxes and numerous holidays were declared for the upcoming weddings of Beauty to Nick and Honor to Andres. And they all lived happily ever after, of course.
(Stops as if someone has asked her a question)
Me? I’m off to Hawaii for our centennial fairy godmother convention. I heard the big island is going to blow it’s top. That will be quite a show. Almost as good as this one. Bye now!
(Snaps her fingers and lights fade to black)


END OF PLAY